Jokes!

[maltembu]

Little Jacob was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Jacob said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it is not called Sexual Intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jackie's Mom wants to talk to you.'

[noztheviking]

A feminist visits KABUL just after the fall of the Taliban and is not very pleased to see that women must walk 5 paces behind the men. A year later she returns and is delighted to find that the men must now walk 5 paces behind the women, she asked the interpretor  What brought about the change ? HE just replied LAND MINES

[maltembu]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'

'Perfect ' her husband said.'

I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.

You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'

[noztheviking]

A man walks into a bar with a tiger on a lead, Do you serve Imimgrants in this bar, Of course we do replied the bar man, WE are not racist or predudiced in this bar. GOOD says the man. I wil have a Cisk for me and a imigrant for the tiger thanks

[ramio]

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad News, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'


Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

[noztheviking]

Are you sure that dead donkey buyer was not called Gordon BROWN cos we have a prime minister of that name that pulls off stunts like that every day with other peoples money HA HA HA

[camkev]

 

  Computer Diagnosis   

  One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

[camkev]

   
 

   



  The Farmer's Daughters   

  There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get ome spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck? --" and the farmer shot him.

[noztheviking]

WAS stood in the square in Buggiba when a imigrant came up to me and asked me Wots the quickest way to GET TO THE hospital. So i pushed him under a 49 bus HA HA HA

[Kaptan Jr]

 
A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver

won't stop staring at her.


She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend

you.'



She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am

and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear

just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or

ask that I would find offensive.'



'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have sex with a nun.'



She responds,

'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, You have to be single

#2, You must be Catholic.

# 3, I have to save my virginity, you will have to enter me from behind.



The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single, Catholic, and

Im happy to enter from behind!'



'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'



The nun fulfills his fantasy, in a way that would make a hooker blush.



But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.



'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'



'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and

I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy
dress
party.'

[Kaptan Jr]

At school little Johnny learns about medicines.

The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of
medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: Tylenol?
Very good! And what is it used for?
It is used for headache.
The second pupil said: Nytol
Excellent. And what it is used for?
To help you sleep
Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: Viagra
'Johnny. What is it used for?'
I think it can be used for diarrhea.
Who told you this? 'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father
'take a Viagra, maybe  that little shit will get harder'.

[The_Gaffer]

2 migrants were on safari in lion territory. Their attention was drawn to a lot of commotion coming from some bushes and they went to investigate.They saw one lion licking another lions ass. The migrant asked his friend "is this how lions court?" The other migrant answered "No, that lion has just eaten an englishman and is trying to get rid of the bad taste!"

[Kaptan Jr]

A Somalian illegal immigrant in Malta is now out of the can earlier then he thought [ thanks to the Refugee Commission, the Jesuits and other humanitarian agencies ] ??.

He stops the first man he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr Maltese man for letting me in this country, giving me housing, a monthly subsistence cheque,  free medical care and free education!'

The man says moving his head from left to right, 'you are mistaken my friend, I am Pakistani.'

The Somali man goes on and encounters another passer-by.  'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Malta !'

This person says, 'I no Maltese, me from Nigeria , me footballer, me play for big club Bubaqra United.'

He walks on and stops the next person, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful things in Malta !'

This person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from the West Bank Palestine , I am not Maltese!'

Finally, he sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you Maltese?'

She says,' No, I am from Ukraine !'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Maltese people?'

The Ukrainian lady checks her watch and says ..



(ROLL DOWN FURTHER)




? Probably at work!! '

[noztheviking]

When asked if I prefered Leg or breasts I told the stranger that I  had a particular fondness for hairy pussys,HE then informed me that this was not an option when ordering a KFC bargain bucket

[noztheviking]

A recent survey of 100 sexually active men what they enjoyed most about a blow job, 99-9 said the ten minutes of silence