Jokes!

[Tatanka]

Mother to daughter advice:

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

[bigboy]

Irraguna qabel titkellem!!
Darba kien hemm salesman tal-hoovers, habbat il-bieb
ta' wahda mara, u
kif fethet il-bieb lanqas taha cans tiftah halqa li ma
bediex ilablab.

Qalilha:
'Sinjura illum ha nurik x'kapaci taghmel din
il-hoover.M'hemmx hmieg li ma tnaddafx!'

Fil-pront qabad barmil mimli trab u hmieg u
zvojtjah fuq it-tapit. Il-mara nhasdet, imma fil-pront
qalilha:
'Tinkwieta xejn, ghax din l-ahhar teknologija u
nassigurak li jekk ma
tnaddafx kollox,naqbad u niekol li jkun jifdal jien. '

Fil-pront saqsietu:
'Xi ngiblek ghal mieghu, Ketchup jew mustarda? Ghax
illum bla dawl siehbi!!'

[bigboy]

Jesus at the bar!
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly  Irishman came in.
With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked
for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked towards the end of the bar and said,

"Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a Maltese, who swaggered into the bar and yelled,
"Orrite Brudder, aghmilli pinta lager. Dak mhux it-tifel tal-mastrudaxxa?" The barkeeper nodded, so the Maltese told him to give Jesus a lager too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked towards the Maltese, but the Maltese jumped back and exclaimed:"Ara tmissni!! Ghandi cans nohrog board u jekk tmissni tfottini!!"

[ganni]

lol bomba din big boy

[Freeman]

Kien hemm job opening ghal mal FBI fuq it times, u kif timmaginaw hafna nies applikaw, l'applikazzjonijiet marru ghand il human resources u din qacctet xi 1400 mitt ruh min din il lista, marret ghand ic chief b'lahjar 3.
Ic chief ghamel appuntament ma dawn it tlieta, iltaqaw kolla go kamra zghira u dan qabad lil lewwel wiehed u hadu miju barra go bitha kbira, go din il bitha kien hemm container tal 20, ipponta subajh lejh u qallu, " aqbad dan is shotgun, mur go dak il container, hemm il mara tijek marbuta fuq siggu u sparala. L'ewwel wiehed hasiba ftit u wara 2 minuti qabad jibki u qallu " irridu hafna dan il job imma mhux ha noqtol il marti ghalieh", ic chief irrisponda
"jiddispjacini imma ma tghodx ghalina, irrid inkun cert li tghamel dak li nghidlek hi xhini ic cirkostanza"

Dahal it tieni wiehed u talbu jghamel listess haga, dan dahal gol container u wara 5 minuti instema hafna biki u hareg lura ma martu u qallu, " sorry sir imma mhinix lest noqtol lil marti" ic chief qallu, " ma jimpurtax imma ma tghodx ghalina"

Dahal it tielet wiehed u talbu jghamel listess haga, dan qabad is shotgun fhinu u dahal gol container b'certu determinazzjoni, wara 2 secondi instemaw 6 tiri infila, 5 secondi silenzju imbad hafna dghaaaa ikrah u tisbit go da l'ost** container, wara zewg minuti hareg dar ragel bis shotgun fhidu mimmli demm, mar fejn ic chief tah is shotgun f'hidu u qallu " Iccekjah naqra das senter ghax ma nahsibx li tajjeb, tajta sitt tiri ghaz zo**, xeba siggu kelli intija biex qtilta.

[ganni]

lol freeman bomba din ukoll. wahda ahjar min ohra gejjin dan lahhar haha

[Tatanka]

A woman goes into a shop to buy a rod and reel as a gift

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter where there's a shop assistant wearing dark shades. "Excuse me sir" she says "can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

The assistant replies "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's only ?20.00".

The lady said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The assistant rings up the sale and says, "That will be ?25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was ?20.00?"

"Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is ?20.00, but the duck call is ?3.00, and the catfish stink bait is ?2.50."

[Tatanka]

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. After makind love, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called." she says speaking in a cheery voice.

"Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. that sounds terrific...

Great!...

Thanks...

Okay...

Bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

(I hope no one in the forum makes up that excuse Hmmmmmm)

[camkev]

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...
who lives with a female roommate Maria...

During the course of the meal, his mother couldnt help but notice how pretty Anthonys roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two,and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his moms thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, Ive been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You dont suppose she took it, do you?"
Well, I doubt it, but Ill e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote;



Dear Momma,
Im not saying that you did take the sugar bowl from my
house, and Im not saying that you did not take it. But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Anthony



Several days later, Anthony received a response e-mail from

his Momma which read.......



Dear Son,
Im not saying that you do sleep with Maria, and Im not
saying that you do not sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar
bowl by now.

Love,
Momma.


Lesson: Never lie to your momma

[bigboy]

 

Gurnata qabel ir-referendum ghall-Ewropa, Toni dar fuq Mary u qalla " Mer, ara li tivvota IVA ghax jekk nidhlu fl-unjoni nsiru nies."

"Halli f'idi Ton."  Nsomma, ir-referendum ghadda, dhalna fl-unjoni u Toni mar xtara zewg containers, mela wiehed bis-saqqijiet u l-iehor bil-qliezet ta' taht tan-nisa.

"Mer, jien ghall-Italja, ha mmur inbigh dawn iz-zewg containers.  Narak 4 gimghat ohra."

Nsomma, ghaddew l-erba gimghat u Toni wasal lura b'dahqa minn widna sa widna...."X'ghidtlek Mer, bihhejt kollox u f'erba gimghat qlajt LM1000."

"Mela qlajt ghalqa wkoll!  Jien f'erba gimghat, b'saqqu wiehed u bla qalziet ta' taht qlajt LM3000."

[Freeman]

expensive Mary bigboy

[mulett75]

Malti trid tkun......

Malti midneb li kien għadu kemm miet, mar awtomatikament l-infern. Hekk kif ġie quddiem ix-xitan, ix-xitan baqa' impressjonat malli ra l-kondotta tal-Malti. Ix-xitan qallu :
'Int ħaqqek premju mingħandi ta' kemm kont raġel ħażin f'ħajtek'
Hekk kif sema' hekk il-Malti ħa pjaċir u minnufih staqsih x'kien ser ikun il-premju tiegħu. Ix-xitan kompla:
'Bħala premju ħa nħalli lilek tagħżel f'liema żona ta' l-infern ħa tqatta' l-eternita fit-tbatija'

Il-Malti xejn ma għoġbitu din il-biċċa xoghol imma irraġuna li aħjar din l-offerta milli xejn.
Ix-xitan ħa lill-Malti f'sala kbira li kien fiha tliet bibien, u qallu:

'Dawn huma it-tliet żoni ta' l-infern fejn il-midimbin jiġu maħqura u ittorturati għal dejjem. Int tista tagħżel waħda li trid minnhom'.

Il-Malti resaq bil-mod lejn l-ewwel bieb li kien miżbugħ iswed. Imwaħħla mal-bieb kien hemm lista tat-torturi li jingħataw ġewwa din iż-żona.

Il-lista kienet tghid hekk:
6.00am-11.59am  Xebgħa frosta fuq dahrek
12.00pm-5.59pm  Torturi varji bix-xokkijiet
6.00pm-5.59am     Isalbuk rasek 'l isfel

Malli ra l-lista u sema' t-twerżieq li beda ġej minn ġewwa din il-kamra, l-Malti ħaseb li aħjar imur jara x'joffru t-tnejn l-oħra. U mar quddiem it-tieni bieb li kien miżbugħ lewn id-deheb. Imwaħħla mal-bieb kien hemm lista tat-torturi li jingħataw ġewwa din iż-żona. Il-
lista kienet tgħid hekk:
6.00am-11.59am  Jisomtuk bil-misħun jagħli
12.00pm-5.59pm  Isallbuk rasek 'l isfel
6.00pm-5.59am    Xebgħa injama bl-imsiemer imsaddin

Malli ra l-lista u sema' t-twerżieq li beda ġej minn ġewwa din il-kamra ukoll il-Malti ħaseb li aħjar jieħu ċans u jmur jara x'toffri l-aħħar kamra.

U mar quddiem it-tielet bieb li kien miżbugħ nofsu blu u nofsu aħmar. Imwaħħla mal-bieb kien hemm lista tat-torturi li jingħataw ġewwa din l-aħħar żona. Il-lista kienet tgħid hekk:
6.00am-11.59am   Torturi varji bix-xokkijiet
12.00pm-5.59pm   Jisomtuk bil-misħun jagħli
6.00pm-5.59am     Jgħaddu minn fuqek bir-romblu tat-tarmak

Il-Malti qal din agħar mill-oħrajn għax jekk ma jhanxrukx bl-ewwel tnejn, bl-aħħar waħda żgur jagħmluk pulpetti. Imma nnota wkoll li minn ġewwa din il-kamra ma bediex ġej għajjat bħat-tnejn l-oħra. U din il-ħaġa għamlietlu kuraġġ. U qal lix-xitan li hu iddecida li jmur f'din il-kamra.

U hekk sar. Ix-xitan fetaħlu l-bieb u hu daħal ġewwa. Hekk kif sab ruħu ġewwa, il-Malti baqa' imbellah malli beda jara n-nies: min miexi għall-kwiet, min jitkellem, min relaxed jieħu te'.

Mar fuq l-ewwel raġel li għadda minn ħdejh u staqsieh:
'Hawn x'qed jiġri?'
Dan-ir-raġel kien Malti wkoll u qallu:
'Ha ngħidlek xbin, hawnekk kullħadd Malti u kollox immexxi minn awtoritajiet Maltin għalhekk ma nbatux' u l-ieħor staqsieh:
'U t-torturi ma jsirux?'
Il-Malti l-ieħor komplielu:
'Ma tarax jew......Torturi varji bix-xokkijiet ma jagħtukx għax id-dawl iżjed maqtugħ milli jaħdem, jisomtuk bil-misħun jagħli ma jistgħux għax rari jkollna l-ilma fil-vit, u jgħaddu minn fuqek bir-romblu tat-tarmak ma jistgħux għax ix-xufier tar-romblu jaħdem mal-gvern u fit-tmienja jiffirma u jitlaq.'

[ramio]

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


**************************************


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


******************************************


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


******************************************


Little Johnny's  kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.  'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?!'


******************************************


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.

[The_Gaffer]

Mundinu:
Nothing personal, but I had to remove the last joke you posted.  This forum is visited by the local fishing community and also many foreigners. While classified as a joke, we cannot allow race, colour or  creed to be the the subject for a laugh.  What might seem amusing to some, might be offensive to others.

Joe Baldacchino (The Gaffer)
Senior Moderator.

[ramio]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend,
who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
'Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt,' the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, 'Would you be willing to give  up one-fourth of your sex life?'
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will
be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe
this is a good omen so he says, 'Sure,' and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again,
'Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.'
The same stranger is at his side again and whispers,
'Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?'
Shrugging, the golfer replies, Okay.' And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another
eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, 'Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?'
'Definitely,' the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says,'I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.'

'Nice to meet you,' the golfer replies,


'I'm Father Bernard.'