Jokes!

[ramio]

This I had to share with you guys, I'm still crying with laughter.

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink.


The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The Bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:

A salt shaker,
A shot of Baileys,
A shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue,
Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.'

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth........smooth,
Rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

In one second the sharp lime taste hits....

At two seconds the Baileys curdles.....

At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like
consistency hits.....

At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, Jesus what do you call that drink?'

She smiles widely at him and says, 'Blow Job Revenge.'

[camkev]

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One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair.  There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person.  Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that."  Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10."  So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane."  Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down.  The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you.  I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free.  But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins.  No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff."  Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"


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For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."


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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."


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This man, his wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along. While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife.

The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road. What are you pulling me over for? Queried the startled driver. The officer responded, "I pulled you over for creating a "Road Hazard, for other drivers!" What hazard? Asked the man. "A puppy bounced out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it." Now your Drivers License and Proof of Insurance please. Thank you Sir... And the 'Bitches' name, Sir. Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch! Sir, I was referring to the dog! Oh... Her name is Maisy. What do you want her name for, officer? Well Sir, after I write your ticket for "Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to cite your dog, Maisy, for Littering!


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After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"


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At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."


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A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"


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Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."


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A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."


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A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"


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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."


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A couple went to a doctor because the man was feeling down, tired all the time. The doctor said I will give a shot of vitamins, a prescription for some pep pills from the drugstore, and an empty jar for checking your sperm count - bring it back in next week so I can check it. When the guy came back to the doctor, the doctor said "Why, this jar is empty, I told you I needed to do a sperm count." The guy said, "I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, my wife tried with her left hand and she also tried with her right hand, she even tried with her teeth. We could not get that jar open!"

[Robert]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,  "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "These are Carols."

[ramio]

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
     
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
       
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
       
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
       
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
       
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
       
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
       
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
       
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
       
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
       
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
       
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'   

[fishfinder]

>
> Ragel, mara u l-kunjata marru vaganza gewwa Gerusalem.
> Waqt li kienu hemm, il-kunjata mietet.
>
> Id-deffien qalilhom, 'tistghu jew tibghatuha lura b'vapur ghal-2000 lira,
> jew inkella tindifen hawnhekk go din l-art sagra ghal-75 lira.'
>
> Ir-ragel hasibha ghal ftit, imbghad qallu li ha jkollu jibghatha lura
> f'pajjizhom b'vapur.
> Id-deffien staqsa, 'Ghaliex ha toqghod tonfoq 2000 lira biex tibghatha lura
> l-kunjata,
> meta tkun tant haga sabiha li tindifen gewwa Gerusalem, u tkun infaqt biss
> 75 lira'.
> Ir-ragel irrisponda, 'Zmien twil ilu kien miet ragel hawn, gie midfun hawn,
> u tlett ijiem wara qam mill-mewt. Ma nistax niehu dak ir-riskju.
>

[bigboy]

illostja fishfinder tajba kinet din eeeee

[maxxat75]

hahahaha.. tajba fishfinder

[fava]

Darba kien hemm ragel u mar ghal kacca ma siehbu filodu.
Wara xi nofsiegha li kienu ilhom hemm, addew qatgha ghasafar u kien preparat biex jispara dan!
Hekk kif tella is-senter, siehbu lemah funeral addej minn magenbhom.
Qallu "Ieqaf ieqaf, tisparax!!"....
Qabes il-kaccatur, qallu "Il-ghala bhalek waqqaftni biex ma nisparax!?"
Qabes siehbu, qallu "Ilni hajti kolla ma naghtiex rispett lil mara, f'dan il-hin kien haqqha ftit rispett!"


Translation
Once there was a man and went hunting with his partner in the morning.
After Half an hour that they have been hunting a group of Birds passed by and he was ready to shoot.
As he aimed and was ready to shoot his partner saw a funeral passing next to them.
Stop Stop don't shoot!!!! he said
The Hunter told him " why did you stop me from shooting!?"
And his partner replied " it's been all my life that I didn't gave any respect to my wife, and in this moment she diserves a little respect!"     Fishfinder

[mike.d.]

just reading about licenzja tal-yachts. thought this may apply, or may be deleted.
  the government today announced today it is changing its national emblem to a condom, because it more accurately reflects its political stance, a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of prxxks, and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being screwed.

[fisheye]

One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived, and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach the step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reaches back and unzipps her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reaches back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifts up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrased the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turns around furiously and says, ?How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!? Shocked, the man says, ?Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.?

[fisheye]

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older. "Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I amsure that mine is the oldest profession." "No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some emblance of order from this chaos.So engineering is older." "But," chirped the triumphant politician,"who created the chaos?"

[Perla 165]

hahaha tajba fishfinder looooooooooooooool viva gerusalem LOOOOOL

[mulett75]

QABEL IT-TIEG

Ragel: Fl-ahhar! Kemm ili nistennieh dal-mument.
Mara: Jaqaw tridni nitlaq?
Ragel: Mela qed tiggennen? X'int tahseb jew!
Mara: Imma thobbni?
Ragel: Dazgur! Dejjem!
Mara: Qatt qlibthieli?
Ragel: F'gieh Alla l-Imbierek! U zgur li le.
Mara: Taghmel sess mieghi biss?
Ragel: U zgur. Kull cans li nsib, ma nitlifhiex.
Mara: Se ssawwatni?
Ragel: Int x'int, mignuna?
Mara: Nista nafdak?
Ragel: Uuuu!
Mara: Qalbi!


WARA IT-TIEG: AQRA MIN TAHT

[mulett75]

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground..

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple str uggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

[mulett75]

God Bless Maltese generosity. A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit N. Africa .Two million Africans have died and over a million are injured. The countries effected are ruined and the governments do not know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock........
United States is sending troops to help. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France ) is sending food and money. The Maltese, not to be outdone, are sending all the illegal immigrants back to replace the dead Africans.