Jokes!

[Kaptan Jr]

Subject: Don't mess with us Maltese--GOOD ONE!


A lawyer and a Maltese are sitting next to each other on a

long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Maltese are so
dumb that he could get over on them easy...So the lawyer
asks if the Maltese would like to play a fun game.
The Maltese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he
politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you
a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me
only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer,
I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Maltese
attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play
the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the
distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Maltese
doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a
five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Maltese's turn. He asks the lawyer,
'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down
with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all
references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all
the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour
of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Maltese
and hands him $500. The Maltese pockets the $500 and goes
right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes
the Maltese up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill
with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Maltese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and
goes back to sleep.


Don't mess with us Maltese.

[Kaptan Jr]

A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend.After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she hadlovingly done on many occasions.Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.

[mrk274]

darba kien hemm wahda tahdem fl fabrika tal ixkupi, u din kienet
tisma hafna min omma...din omma kienet tejdilha biex meta tkun taghmel
> >>>>>toilet
> >>>>>qatt ma thares l isfel ghax tiehu skandlu... Din it tifla darba
> >>>ghelbita l
> >>>>>kurzita u harset; Hadet Qata kbira xhin rat hafna suf...marret tigri
> >>>fejn
> >>>>>l assistant manager u qaltlu ha nzarma min dan ix xol ghax qabditni l
> >>>>>marda
> >>>>>tal ixkupi!!... u dan beda jinkwieta, hada fejn l general manager u
> >>>dan
> >>>>>pprova jikonvincija tibqa ghax kienet wahda li tahdem hafna u ittella
> >>>>>production...dan saqsija 'ghalfejn trid titlaq?', u din qaltlu ghax
> >>>>>qabditni l marda tal ixkupi ghax hemm isfel ghandi hafna suf, dan
> >>>tbissem
> >>>>>u
> >>>>>dlonk neza l qalziet tieghu u qal dak kulhadd ghandu!!...f daqqa din
> >>>>>ghajtet 'Ara Mad*n** ta dan bil lasta b kollox!!!

[ramio]

Tom and Harry go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Tom  missed the tube & Harry came on the bus!!

******

  A Muslim was sitting next to a catholic on a plane. The catholic ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

  He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

  The catholic handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

******

  Pete calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

  Pete replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

******

  Two couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex one of the men says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

******


  Patric takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses &  lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want, don?t you?'

  'Yeah,' says Patric. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

******


  Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

  A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

******


  Peter the prison electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not  servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

******

  Andy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like  mad in the garden. Andy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

  He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

  Andy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

  ******


  Mick & Patric are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'

  Patric says 'Whats his name?'

  Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

[camkev]

The manager of a small business and his secretary decided to go over to her place for some "gymnastics". Afterwards, they both fall asleep

When the manager wakes up and looks at his watch, he discovers that it is after 8 o'clock in the evening.

He jumps up in a panic wondering what he's going to say to his wife. He tells the secretary to quickly take his shoes out into the yard and rub them around in the grass. Then he finishes dressing and goes home.

When the man opens the door to the house, his wife is standing in the doorway fuming and asks him where the hell he's been until 8:30 in the evening?

The man calmly replies that he and his secretary are having an affair and that they had fallen asleep after going to her place this afternoon.

His wife looked at him very carefully and when she saw the state of his shoes, she exclaimed: "You liar, you've been FISHING!"

[bigboy]

good one haha

[Tatanka]

Click on this link to view a funny video on fishing activities.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuVmJ8TPTNU  and also there is another one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UknIpBG0YxY this one seems to hurt.

[Kaptan Jr]

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
>
> One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and
> made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.
>
> Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'
>
> Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the
> police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
>
> 'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,'
> Grandma said, and she proceeded to the end of the line.
>
> A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the
> prostitutes. When he got to Grandma he was bewildered and exclaimed,
'Wow,
> still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'
>
> Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip
> the skin back and suck 'em' dry.'
>
> The policeman fainted.

[ganni]

Lol nice one kaptan

[Kaptan Jr]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the
door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do
you have a vagina'.She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he
asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'.
She slams the door again.Later that night when her husband gets home she
tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the
wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be
home just in case this guy shows up again'.The next morning they hear a
knock at the door and both run for the door.The husband says to the wife in
a whispered voice
'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same
guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he
is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
'Do you have vagina'......'Yes' she says......
The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my
wife's alone and start using yours ?'!

[ganni]

il ahwa kaptan tajba din

[Kaptan Jr]

> Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
> smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the
> end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
>
> Arlene: What in the hell is that?
>
> Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
>
> Arlene: Where did you get it?
>
> Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
>
> The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
> announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
>
> The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
> (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
> brand of condom she prefers.
>
> 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
>
> The pharmacist fainted.
>
> (For those who have never smoked - Camel is a brand of cigarettes)

[Kaptan Jr]

>    Broccoli Casserole   >   A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.    > This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.  >   They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.  >  > The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort,  > thanks to her nervousness and the b roccoli casserole  > The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.  > Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve  > herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.  >  > It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the  > poof.  >  > Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed,  > her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that  > had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and  > said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.  >  > The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile  > came across her face.  >  > A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel  > the pain again.   This time, she didn't even hesitate.  > She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip..  >  > The father again looked at the dog and yelled,  > 'Skippy!'  >  >  Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!'  > A few minutes later the woman had to let another  > rip. This time she didn't even think about it.    She let  > a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.  >  > Once again, the father looked at the dog with  > disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her,  > before she shits on you!'

[Kaptan Jr]

 > A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought

> she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he

> called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

> 

> The Doctor told him there is a simple info rmal test the husband could

> perform to give the Doctor a  better idea about her hearing loss.

> 

> Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her,

> and in a normal conversational  speaking tone see if she hears you.  If

> not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

> 

> That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the

> den.  He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what

> happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

> 

> No response.

> 

> So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife

> and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

> 

> Still no response.

> 

> Next he moves into the dining room where he is about

> 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

> 

> Again he gets no response.

> 

> So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's

> for dinner?" Again there is no response.

> 

> So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

> 

> > 

> 

> "Ralph , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

[ramio]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE


1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2.. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..

3. I take my wife everywhere....
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked wher e the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late
for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

10. R emember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust!'