Jokes!

[fishfinder]

LOL GOOD ONE

[camkev]

Mr Borg comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue.

I think we're going to have a baby!

The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs Borg receives a telephone call from Enemalta Corporation (Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid

"Am I speaking to Mrs Borg?"

"Yes...... speaking"

Enemalta guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Enemalta guy.

"What are you saying? It's in your files...... HOW?? "

"Yes ............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue"

?GOD!!!!!......... This is too much.........."

Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"

"I know that ....... let me talk to my husband about this tonight.....he will speak to your company tomorrow"

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Enemalta office in Marsa the next morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Enemalta, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

[fishfinder]

  Good one. Keep them coming these jokes

[robby017]

 LIE DETECTOR!

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,
their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late..

'Where have you been?
Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair. 

'Son,' said John,
'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up,
sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied..
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John.
'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John
and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha
and knocked her out of her chair.     

[Destination Sea]

 

[robby017]

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL hahahaha never saw that coming,,, tajba mundinu

[fish-noob]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now....... Tell him you have a headache.

[robby017]

Forwarded as received
Friday Reflections: 
Commandment 1

Marriages are made in heaven! But so are thunder and lightning!

**********

Commandment 2

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.

**********

Commandment 3

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

**********

Commandment 4

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

**********

Commandment 5

When a man opens the door of the car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

**********

Commandment 6

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one!

**********

Commandment 7

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

**********

Commandment 8

Every man wants a wife who is charming, pretty, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

**********

Commandment 9

Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives are starting to treat husbands like toxic waste.

**********

Commandment 10

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

[robby017]

lool

[robby017]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

[robby017]

Mrs. McGervey was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O'Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. McGervey and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. McGervey, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.

[Kevin G]

>>
>>
>> Darba wahda tifla staqsiet lil missierha: "In-nies kif gew fid-dinja?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Missierha wegibha: "Alla halaq lil Adam u Eva u dawn kellhom it-tfal.
>> B'hekk gew l-ewwel nies fid-dinja."
>>
>>
>>
>> Jumejn wara t-tifla staqsiet l-istess mistoqsija lil ommha. Din wegbitha:
>> "Hafna u hafna snin ilu kien hemm biss xadini. Minn hemm gew l-ewwel
>> nies fid-dinja."
>>
>>
>>
>> It-tifla thawdet. Marret ghand missieha u qaltlu: "Dan kif inti ghidtli
>> li n-nies halaqhom Alla u l-mummy qaltli li gew mix-xadini?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Missierha wegibha: "Semplici binti. Jien ghidtlek fuq il-familja tieghi,
>> u ommok qaltlek dwar il-familja taghha."

[noztheviking]

PLEASE TRANSLATE SO US NUMPTYS CAN HAVE A LAUGH AS WELL, THANK YOU

[Destination Sea]

@ noztheviking   Translation to joke by kevin G
One day a small girl asked her father how the human were created and  inhabited the earth
Her father explained that god created adam and eve and they had children. Thats how the human race  started on earth. Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question and she replied that  long time ago there were monkeys and humans evoled from there. The young girl became confused and went back to her father and said. Howcome you said that humans where created from god and mummy said they came from monkeys.
Her father smiled and  said its simple my dear. I told you about my family origins and your mun told you about hers.

[noztheviking]

THANKS FOR THAT DESTINATION SEA, NOZ