Jokes!

[craus]

nice one. reminds me of my school days

[craus]

my turn now

Why fishing is better than making love

    * When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good.
      If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

    * Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither.
      And don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

    * In fishing you lie about the one that got away.
      In loving you lie about the one you caught.

    * You can catch and release a fish. You don't have to lie, and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

    * You don't necessarily have to change your line to keep catching fish.

    * You can catch a fish on a 20-cent frozen squid.
      If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

    * Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

[robby017]

Bet you never thought of this... New Treatment For Sunburn

A guy fell  asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible

sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being

diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he

was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with

saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will

Viagra do for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll

keep the sheets off his legs.'

[craus]

Everyone has to watch this .
this has to be the funniest fish commercial in the world..
listen to the commentary

its a classic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pewILmqHZ3I

[robby017]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''



When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.


Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

[mulett75]

Kien hemm puluzija u kien mohhu biex jaghti citazzjoni lill wiehed ragel tal MUZEW. Dan il-puluzija ma setax isib skuza tajba biex iwahhal dik l-imbierka citazzjoni lill ta MUZEW.
Darba wahda tal MUZEW kien ghaddej fuq ir rota u l-puluzija waqfu.

Puluzija "taf kemm ili biex intik citazzjoni? imma qatt ma ir nexili?"
Tal MUZEW "naf, imma int qatt ma tista ittini citazzjoni"
Puluzija "U ghliex?"
Tal MUZEW "Ghax jien, San Gorg Preca dejjem mighei"
Puluzija "ha wahhalek citazjoni ghax qedin tnejn fuq ir-rota"

Translation (ramio):

A policeman had been for a long time trying to give a fine for some controvention to this very religious guy.

One day the policeman met the guy pedeling along with his bicycle. He told him how hard it had been trying to fine him, but all was in vain.

The guy replied that it was impossible because God was always with him.

The policman said "Thats it then, here's a fine for being two on a bike"

[noztheviking]

PLEASE TRANSLATE MULLET 75

[MartinB]

To be honest i think its not that funny in english..it one of those "lose's something in translation" cases.

[visa]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
 
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
 
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
 
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money?   You didn't steal it, did you?"
 
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by 
the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
 
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
 
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
 
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

[visa]

 


Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.


To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.


Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......



ate the cookies........

drank the milk.......

sh*t on the paper.......



screwed the other three cats.......

claimed he injured his back while doing so.......



filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......



put in for Workers Compensation.................and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............





AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

[visa]

 
Three little ducks go into a Bar.....   

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck...

"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

[visa]

 

The Importance of Walking

     My grandpa started walking
     five miles a day when he was 60.
     Now he's 77 years old
     and we don't know where he is.
   
     I like long walks,
     especially when they are taken
     by people who annoy me.
   
     The only reason I would take up walking
     is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
   
     I have to walk early in the morning,
     before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
   
     I joined a health club last year,
     spent about 400 bucks.
     Haven't lost a pound.
     Apparently you have to go there.
   
     Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
     I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
         
     If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
     start with a small country.
   
     I know I got a lot of exercise
     the last few years,......
     just getting over the hill.
 
    We all get heavier as we get older,
     because there's a lot more information in our heads.
     That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
   
     AND

     Every time I start thinking too much
      about how I look,
     I just find a Happy Hour
      and by the time I leave,
     I look just fine.
   
   

[visa]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven a tall, Exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.


The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......



On  one condition'


Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly And meaningfully said....











'Clean my house.'






(YOU GO, GIRL!)

[blueskip]

In a national survey carried out in the UK entitled "Are there too many foreigners in the UK"? 18% said yes, 82% couldn't respond because they dont speak english!

[mike.d.]

they say that beer contains femail hormones, i think they are right, after 8 pints i talk sh*t and cant drive.