Jokes!

[robby017]

Paddy went to Tescos.

In Tescos he bought a pack of Diet Coke & picked up a bag of sugar, however he did not pay for the sugar & was taken to court.


When asked by the Judge why he stole the bag of sugar he replied, 'On the back of the Coke pack, it said sugar free

[skip]

[freediver]

FISHING TRIP

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.  Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.  After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home, frustrated.

The following week, when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave was already there.  He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
"I didn't have to," Dave replied. I went home from work last night and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows.  Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'...  When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM!"

[gozo123]

thats a good one lol

[The_Gaffer]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'Over the fence into our yard!'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped!'

'That must've been scary', said the teacher


'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say "Fuck" , the Rottweiler ate him!' 

[The_Gaffer]

There are five secrets to a perfect relationship.


1) Its important to have a women who cooks, cleans and has a job. 

2) Its important to have a women who can make you laugh. 

3) Its important to have a women who you can trust and does'nt lie. 

4) Its important to have a women who is good in bed and likes being with you. 

5) Its VERY VERY important that these four women don't know each other. 

[gzarb]

lool, nice

[Kevin G]

Don't know if this one has benn already posted, if so you may delete it. here it comes.



Strange Funeral Procession !

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

"Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

[blueskip]

Katie Price decides to buy a new car as a reward for being in the jungle for 14 days, so she calls into the Bentley Dealership & approaches the salesman.
"Can I have a new Bentley converted for Harvey"?
"Certainly Madam, what flavour windows would you like"?

[blueskip]

During the recent gales, an immigrant family were killed by a falling tree, a spokesman for Birmingham City Council stated "We had no idea they were living up there"!

[blueskip]

This year's "must have" toy is a talking muslim doll, nobody knows what it say's because nobody has had the courage to pull the string yet!

[SPITEC]

Are you serious blueskip!!!! It says booooom

[The_Gaffer]

--------------------------------------------------------------------
>       
>        A highway patrolman was astonished to see a car speeding along
>  on the Mellieha
>        highway.
>        Glancing at the car he was astonished to see a blond behind
the
>  wheel was
>        knitting. The Trooper saw this, cranked down his window and
>  yelled......
>        "PULL OVER"
>        "NO."yelled the blond " SCARF"
>     
>       
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>     
>     
>        Two blondes from Sliema were flying to London from Luqa.
Fifteen
>  minutes into
>        the flight, the Captain announced, 'One of the engines has
>  failed and the
>        flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three
>  engines left.'
>        Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced, 'One more engine
>  has failed and
>        the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry, we have
>  two engines left.
>        '
>     
>        An hour later the Captain announced, 'One more engine has
failed
>  and the flight
>        will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine
>  left.'
>     
>        One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said, 'If
we
>  lose one more
>        engine, we'll be up here all day
>     
>     
>     
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>     
>     
>        Two nuns of "The Immaculate... " in Sliema are ordered to
paint
>  a room in the
>        convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is
that
>  they must not
>        get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring
about
>  this for a
>        while, the two nuns decide to lock thedoor of the room, strip
>  off their habits
>        and paint in the nude.
>        In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
>     
>        "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
>     
>        "The Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the
>  door.
>     
>        The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no
harm
>  can come from
>        letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.
>     
>        "Nice paint color", says the man, "Where do you want me to put
>  the blinds?".
>     
>     
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>     
>     
>        This elderly gentleman from Floriana was suffering from
>  Alzheimer's. His wife
>        of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him
any
>  longer. He
>        would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes
even
>  who he was. She
>        took him to the Little Sisters of the Poor nursing home in
>  Hamrun.
>        At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork,
a
>  young nun had
>        the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly
>  leaning to his
>        left. The nun ran over and put a pillow on his left side to
prop
>  him up.
>     
>        A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again,
the
>  sister ran
>        over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting
>  leaning forward. This
>        time, the sister strapped him into the chair. About this time,
>  his wife, having
>        completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do
you
>  like the
>        place?"
>     
>        "It's okay," he said. "But, these nuns won't let me fart."
>     
>     
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>     
>     
>        A young British couple were married, and celebrated their
first
>  night together
>        at the Clypso Hotel In Marsalforn, doing what newlyweds do,
time
>  and time again,
>        all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the
>  bathroom but finds no
>        towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to
>  please bring one
>        from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he
opened
>  the door,
>        exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she
sees
>  all of him
>        well.
>        Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped
and
>  stared, and she
>        asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his
>  anatomy. He, also
>        being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's
>  what we had so
>        much fun with last night."
>     
>        And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
>     
>     
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>     
>        Kont qed nitkellem ma' dal-qassis mill-Hamrun. Saqsejtu jekk
>  hemmx xi qaddis
>        Malti!
>        "Mela le? Ahna l-Maltin, ilhu hafna li ghandna qaddis. U famus
>  hafna! Jismu
>        "San Fottik"
>     
>     
>     
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>     
>     
>        Omm: "X'qal missierek meta ghidtlu li int tinsab tqila?"
>        Tifla: "Tridni nhalli d-daghwiet u l-kliem hazin?"
>        Omm: "Naturalmet!"
>        Tifla: "Xejn."
>     
>     
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>     
>     
>        A lady approaches a priest at a Sliema restaurant and tells
him,
>  "Father, I
>        have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they
only
>  know how to
>        say one thing."
>        "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
>     
>        "They only know how to say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you
want
>  to have some
>        fun?"
>     
>        "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a
solution
>  to your problem.
>        Bring your two female parrots over to the rectory and I will
put
>  them with my
>        two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the
>  bible. My parrots
>        will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase
and
>  your female
>        parrots will learn to praise and worship."
>     
>        "Oh Thank you!" the woman responded.
>     
>        The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the
priest's
>  house. His two
>        male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their
cage.
>  The lady puts
>        her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female
>  parrots say, "Hi,
>        we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
>     
>        One male parrot looks over at the other male and exclaims,
"Put
>  the beads away,
>        Our prayers have been answered!!!"
>     
>     
>     
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>        Mela darba kien hemm Mary u Peter li kienu ilhom mizzewwgin, u
>  kif kulhadd jaf
>        fid-dar dejjem jinqala xi hsara. Kif Peter kien sejjer ix -
>  xoghol Mary marret
>        fuqu u qaltlu li kellhom il-vit tal- kcina jqattar.
>        Kif sema hekk dar fuqha u qalla, " Mela int hsibtni xi
>  Plumber!!" Hekk kif kien
>        sejjer daret fuqu u qaltlu, "Peter inqatet il-bozza tal-Linfa"
>     
>        Dlonk dar fuqha u qalla , "Mela hsibtni electician!!"
>     
>        Fil-hamsa ta` fl-ghaxija Peter gie lura mix- xoghol u jsib il-
>  bozza mibdula u
>        l-vit tal-kcina mibdul.
>     
>        Peter staqsa lil Mary u din qaltlu, "Mela kien hemm Joe ta`
>  hdejna gie u
>        ghamilhomli miskin. X`hin lesta imbaghad ghidtlu xi jrid
>  tax-xoghol u qalli.
>        'JEW TAGHMILLI GATEAUX JEW ITTINI NEJKA '
>     
>        Dlonk Peter kuntent kuntent qalla, "mela int ghamiltlu
>  gateaux?"
>     
>        Qabzet Mary, u qaltlu, " MELA INT HSIBTNI XI DULCIERA"
>     
>     
>     
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>     
>        A depressed young woman rejected from Medical School was so
>  desperate that she
>        decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea. When
>  she went down to
>        Pieta, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on
>  her, and said,
>        "Look you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Syracuse in the
>  morning and if
>        you like, I can stow you away on my ship. This trip we are
going
>  all the way to
>        Genoa, I'll take good care of you and bring you food every
day."
>        Moving closer he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added
>  "I'll keep you
>        happy, and you'll keep me happy.
>        The girl nodded. What did she have to lose? That night, the
>  sailor brought her
>        aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he
>  brought her
>        three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made
passionate
>  love until dawn.
>     
>        A week later, during a routine search, she was discovered by
the
>  captain. "What
>        are you doing here?" he asked. "I had an arrangement with one
of
>  the sailors."
>        She explained. "He's taking me to Italy, and every night he
came
>  and screwed me.
>        " "He sure did lady!" Said the captain. "This is the Gozo
ferry"
>

[mellieha]

A cvouple of good one's

[freediver]

   BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of  his
mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

GIRLFRIEND : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
BOYFRIEND : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

TEACHER : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
PUPIL : "The moon".
TEACHER : "Why?"
PUPIL : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun
gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

TEACHER : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?"
PUPIL : "A teacher".

WAITER : "Would you like your coffee black?"
CUSTOMER : "What other colors do you have?"

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

TEACHER : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
SAM : "It's a family tradition".
TEACHER : "What do you mean?"
SAM : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
TEACHER : "What about your mother?"
SAM : "She's a woman".

TOM : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
DAVID: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's
performance repeated".

TEACHER : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and
stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
STUDENT : "Brotherly love".

TEACHER : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before
eating?"
SAM : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

PATIENT : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
DOCTOR : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out  of
ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've
treated. The others all died".

TEACHER : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
STUDENT : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and
at the same time."

TEACHER : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's
Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his
father didn't punish him ?"