Jokes!

[robby017]

Prince Charles & Camilla's Wedding Night



Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.  That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace.


Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, they are killing me.'


Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour.  But it would not budge.


'Harder' yelled Camilla.


'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling!  But it's just so bloody tight!'


'Come on, give it all you've got ' she cried.


Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'


In their bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'

[Destination Sea]

Ten for these well done

[robby017]

part 2................Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this one's even tighter' .



At which point, Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen:  'That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'

[freediver]

Subject: A visit to the doctor


The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex often helped men last
longer during the act. The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't
do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too
open.

He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he
realised his solution. On the way home from work, he pulled his truck
over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if
examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and
started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pant leg. Not
wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut
and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck
rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

[freediver]

ANGER MANAGEMENT
 
 
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"
 
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
 
Husband: "How does that help?"
 
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

[robby017]

BRAINS OF BRITAIN

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant:
Homosexuals.

Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you






BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.

Contestant:
Leicester


 


BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:
I don't know.

Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant:
Arm

Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant:
Strong.

Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant:
Louis

Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?


 

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant:
France.

Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.

Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.

Contestant:
Paris.


 

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant:
The Conservative Party.


 

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


 

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant:
Goosey?


 

GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


 

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO ( MANCHESTER )

Phil:
What's 11 squared?

Contestant:
I don't know.

Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant:
Is it five?


 

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant:
Forrest Gump.


 

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant:
Er. ... ..

Richard:
He makes bread . . .

Contestant:
Er .. .....

Richard:
He makes cakes . . .

Contestant:
Kipling Street?


 

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant:
Barcelona.

Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .


 

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question:
What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant:
The Pacific.


 

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


 

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant:
Magna Carta?


 

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?


 


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Caller:
Japan.

Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller:
Er ........ Mexico ?


 

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.


 

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant:
Holland?

Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant:
No.


 

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant:
Er... .... ..

Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .

Contestant:
Blimey?

Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .

Contestant:
(Silence)

Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

Contestant:
Walked?


 

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant:
Nostalgia.


 

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant:
Jewish.

Presenter:
That's close enough.


 

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant:
Jesus.

[The_Gaffer]

Far out Robby....the Kor Blimey one blew me away!!!!

[The_Gaffer]

The jokes here are real stuff, I can vouch on the geography ones...I've watched USA tv where contestants where asked questions regarding geography, man the answers were horrible

[Destination Sea]

Vera Gaffer ...Blimey hija bomba   proset robby

[camkev]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[mulett75]

Super one Radio in the beging- Presentor - "What was Hitler's name?" The competitior answer "Hajl"
Net Radio "Xjimu hu re?" spettatur "Hipp Hipp" ghax meta nifirhu ahna naghjdu hipp hiip hu re.

[name]

BEER BY SEVEN  YEAR OLDS

A  handful of 7 year old children were  asked  'What they thought of beer'. Some interesting  responses, but the  last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.' --Tim, 7 years  old

'Beer  makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.' --Mellanie, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at  parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very  funny.' --Grady, 7 years  old

''My Mum and Dad  talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.' --Toby, 7 years   old< I>

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have  too much. --Sarah, 7 years  old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.' --Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years   old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.' --Shirley, 7 years   old


AND THE BEST   RESPONSE

'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.' --Jack, 7   years

[name]

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night

and

he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies,

he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says,

"You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied,

"It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour,

it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says,

"You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies,

"Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

[malvizzu]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two doubles of Jamieson Whiskey.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman saw them, went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk -l for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't tink I can do any more of dis oim drunk and me knees is killin me"!

Murphy said, "Howdya tink oi feel?  Oi can't even remember which pub oi lost de sausage in".

[robby017]

In a recovery room a man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery.



His wife was sitting by his side holding his hand. His eyelids just opened for a few seconds.
He looked at his wife as if he was returning from out of body experience, hallowed by bright white light. With a broken smile and in a groggy voice he mumbled at his wife, "You are so beautiful."




Then he fell asleep and started snoring again waking up other recovering room surgery patients and annoying nurses."



His wife had never seen him so ugly and yet so romantic. So she suppressed all her disgust of environment, held his hand tighter and chose to stuck there for a while.




After a while the man opens his eyelids again but wider and for longer time. He loves the comfort of his wife and says, "You are cute!"



The wife was disgusted, threw his hand on the bed and demanded an explanation, "It was 'beautiful', last time and how it is 'cute' this time. What happened to my beauty?"




The man answered, "Honey, I am recovering to reality from the influence of Anesthesia.