Jokes!

[caldaland]

Weight Report

A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz

[robby017]

You Gotta Love the Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


.................................................................................................




Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes.   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


..............................................................................................

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians."   Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

...................................................................................................




Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney.   "Where are ye callin' from?"


...

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch!   What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."


...

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.



...

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .   

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[robby017]

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits.

She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me.

I've lost my business and if I don't get some money,
I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win
the lottery .'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery!

I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.



Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me?

I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.

I don't often ask you for help, and I've always been a good servant to you.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...

'Sweetheart, how can you ever win the lottery without buying a ticket!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

[robby017]

Thought of the day...........


A Lion would never cheat on his wife......









......but a Tiger Wood!

[MartinB]

Subject: 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.' 

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.' 

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!' 

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.' 

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??' 

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'   

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! 

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.' 

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. ' 

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets' 

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They
seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.' 

12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

[Reelin]

hehehe

[robby017]

A Blonde's Year in Review


January 
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. 

February 
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... 
Helllloooo!!!....... bottles won't fit in printer !!! 

March 
Got really excited..... f inished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...... its box said '2-4 years!' 

April 
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!! 

May 
Tried to make Kool-Aid..... comes with wrong instructions.... 8 cups of  water won't fit into those little packets!!! 

June   
Tried to go water-skiing....... couldn't find a lake with a slope.   

July 
Lost breast-stroke swimming competition..... learned later, the other swimmers cheated: they used their arms!!!

August 
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.   

September   
The capital of    California is 'C'..... isn't it???   

October 
Hate M & Ms..... they are so hard to peel. 

November   
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said '1 hour per pound' and I weigh 108!! 

December   
Couldn't call 911. 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!! 


       

[robby017]

     
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. 

She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.   

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box, and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.   

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched
to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. 

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?' 

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!' 



(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

 











'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'      

[jean]

Excuses Excuses !!


 
A married couple at the Zoo walk past the gorilla enclosure. Says the woman: " Mark , do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behaviour"?

"Look, see that no one is looking and I'll expose one of my breasts to it and just watch how horny it gets, just as you men do".

Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla begins to get a hard-on and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free. "See" says the woman, "Now I know why you react the way you do, men can't control their animal instincts, just as gorillas can't".

Says Mark : "Now expose both breasts and let's see what happens".

The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets now even more excited and is now desperately trying to escape the enclosure.

Says Mark : "This is incredible, now pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum to it and let's see what happens!!!"

The woman pull her skirt up turns around with her bum to the gorilla which by now, extremely aroused, bends the bars apart and breaks free of the cage, grabs the woman and starts tearing her clothes off....

The woman yells: " Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!!!"

Mark replies: "Well, why don't you give him one of those excuses that you usually give me:

......That you don't feel like it;
That you have a headache;
That you're tired;
That your throat is aching;
That I must understand you as a woman;
That you are depressed;
That it's one of 'those' days;
That you are having a very busy week;
That all you need is just to cuddle;
That you're all tense;
That you have to wake up very early tomorrow;
That you woke up very early today;
That you walked for so long and your feet are aching;
That caresses and hugs is all that you want today;
That you're so tense that all you want is a good massage to make you relax;
That you feel like watching TV;
That you don't wanna miss the soaps;
That you've just come from the hair salon and therefore you can't do it and ruin your hair........ ....."

............ ."Go on..... explain all that to the gorilla and if he understands, then I agree that we men are just like animals when it comes to sex!!!"

[jean]

A crusty old man walks into the local church and says to the secretary,

"I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, dammit! I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that kind of language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."
"I see," says the pastor. " And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

[maltembu]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' 

'Of course my child. What  may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's  birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid  they'll confiscate it.  Is there any way you could carry it through customs  for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked,

'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

[benri]

Apple today announced that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from €499 to €699 depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[robby017]

joke of the year din bry!!!!!!!

[robby017]

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

        Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the White Spot restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

        10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

        10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.  Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

        10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

        10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.  Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot restaurant because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

[name]

 
THIS MUST COUNT AS THE BEST MOTHER-IN-LAW JOKE!


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.  So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret.  After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!   
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,' I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.