Jokes!

[robby017]

THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC


On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation,
crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to
make love to her,
he replied, 'It's Lent'.
In tears, she sobbed,
'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?' 

[camkev]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gi
The next year he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year."

And that's how the fight started....

******************************

My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the TV?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....

******************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror and she is not happy with what she sees
and says to her husband, "I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "You're eyesight is damn near perfect."

And that's how the fight started....

******************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 20 seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started....

******************************

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

******************************

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

Then I said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

******************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.

So, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started.....

******************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

******************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started...

***********************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt".
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me",and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too"

And that's how the fight started.....

***************************

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

The waiter said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's how the fight started....

[camkev]

 


Barack Hussein Obama was looking  for a call girl.  
He found three such girls in a local pub, a  blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he  said,  

'I am the President of the  United States.

Now how  much would it cost me to spend  some time with you?'


She replied, $200.

To  the brunette he asked the same question.    


 
Her reply was $100.


 


He then asked the redhead  
Her reply was,  

'Mr. President, if you can  get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my  wages,

 
get that thing of yours as  hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of  gas,  

keep me warmer than it is in  my apartment and screw me the way you have retirees,  

then it isn't going to cost  you a damn cent!'  

[camkev]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.  The music was really, really  loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of  songs, I started to feel better.   I finished my pint and noticed that  everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[shanook]

fqajtni kev.....kemm dhaqt bil qalb

[name]

Experimental Pill
   

A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex.

He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.

About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said.

It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table."

The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill
was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway."
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Pregnancy Advice
   

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.

'Actually, yes, I do.'

'Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No. I rather like it.'

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from?
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Rules Are Rules
   

Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
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Costume Party
   



A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

"Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life."
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Nice Smelling Hair
   

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR.
Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."
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Under The Table
   

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
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Blonde Painter
   

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
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Diagnosis
   

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better

[name]

The candy with the hole



This should make you smile.
You have to love little kids.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ..............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Women



Women

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
"Hello - How are you!We've been waiting for you.Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her."Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love.
The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. " I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery.
I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.
And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am.
What a bummer!  How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
" Czechoslovakia ."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry...There will be Hell to pay later!
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[camkev]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yY3NniApsc&feature=related

[robby017]

Fortuna in video at 5.31 in video above lol... cuf cuf

[joe2384]

You Got Male

A little boy goes to his daddy and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Your mum and I first got together in a chatroom on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met up at a cyber cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us had used a firewall, and since it was to late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said,

"You Got Male"

[name]

L-GHAWDXIN M'HAWNX BHALHOM.



> A young Gozitan guy moves to the States and goes to a big department store looking for a job.

> The manager asks, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

> The guy said, 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home....you

> know....J.B.Stores....Tal-Lira!'



> Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job.

> 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did but

> let me give you a bit of advice, if a customer comes looking, say, for

> toothpaste, you might suggest he also purchase a toothbrush, or dental floss etc .. you get the idea?'

> 'Of course,' the young man said.





> His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

> After the store was locked up, the manager came down.

> 'How many sales did you make today?'

> The guy said, 'One.

> The manager groans, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?'

> The guy says, '$101,237.64.'



> The manager exclaims, 'What? $101, 237.64? What did you sell him?'

> The kid said, 'First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook.

> Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast so I told him he was going need a boat. So we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine sea craft.

> Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero.'



> The manager says, 'You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!'



> The guy replied, 'No no no... he came in here to buy a box of tampax for his wife and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's already fucked up, you might as well go fishing!'

[name]

Subject: Password




A woman was helping her husband set
up his new computer, and at the appropriate time in the process, told him
he would now need to enter a password..

Something he would use to log-on.

Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he would try for
the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly

obvious to his wife that he was keying in:

P...

E...

N...

I...

S...

His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD INVALID............NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[robby017]

Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake.

The water was enticing and Snow-White decides to take a bath.

So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake.

The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

Snow White relents and says "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around."

Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into water before she can.

The moment the Dwarfs hear the Splash, they turn around and see Snow White standing Naked.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for an ad, what product is being advertised?

Scroll down for the answer.






















"Seven Up"

[robby017]

What is the difference between the suicide man and the virgin?

The suicide man Tries To Die,

and the virgin Dies To Try! 

[Kevin G]

 It's Hell to be Old 
   

OLD people  have problems that you haven't
even considered yet! 
     
An 85-year-old man was requested by his 
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his  physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a  jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen  sample
tomorrow.' 

The next day  the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the  jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the 
previous day. 

The doctor  asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing.   Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.. 

'Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. 
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still  nothing. 

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your 
neighbor?'   
   
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.'