Jokes!

[camkev]

A man goes to see a docter, and tells him that something is wrong with his ass. So the docter said, "Go behind the screen i've seen it all before." When the man returned from behind the screen the doctor said, "Oh my god! What happened to you?" The man replied, "Well I was in the jungle for a month, and it was the elephant's mating season." The doctor looked at the mans ass again and said, "Yes, but the elephants penis is only 6 inches wide." The man looked at the doctor and said, "Yeah, but he tryed to finger me first!!"
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Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill." The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00." "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

[freediver]

woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those  headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.."


"No more headaches?" the husband asks,
''What happened?"


His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.."




It Worked! The headaches are all gone.."


The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."


His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"


The husband agrees to try it



Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.


He puts her on the bed and says,

"Don't move, I'll be right back."


He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.


His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"


The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time.


The wife sits up and her head is spinning.


Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back.."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's Not My Wife..."


 
His funeral service will be held on Friday.

[visa]

________________________________________
Cannibal story

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $7.00
Fried Explorer: $9.00
Freshly Baked: Labor Party, Liberals/Nationals, Democrats or Greens : $150.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,  "Why such a huge price difference for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

[robby017]

Unfortunately they are everywhere!!!




 
IDIOT SIGHTING  1 
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I
gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a
twenty pence piece

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my
request.  I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're
sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.
 
Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.
 

IDIOT SIGHTING  2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us
that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough
motor on the opener.  I thought for a minute, and said that we had the
largest one GARADOR  made at  that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,

'NOOO, it's not.. Four is larger than two..'
 
We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park ,Nr
Watford UK
 
IDIOT SIGHTING 3
 
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the
Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign
  on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't
  think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
 
Story from Potters Bar , Herts, UK
 
 
IDIOT SIGHTING 4
 
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco. She
asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
 
From South Oxhey Herts , UK ...
 
 
IDIOT SIGHTING 5
 
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask..'
 
Happened Luton Airport ... UK
 

IDIOT SIGHTING 6
 
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged colleague.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!'
 
She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex , UK

 
IDIOT SIGHTING 7
 
When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
  the drivers  side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
 
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire UK
  .
 
STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and the scary part is that is they have the
RIGHT TO VOTE!

[robby017]

A Miscommunication

There were these twins, Jim and John.
Jim was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that
John's wife died the same day Jim's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for John
said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."
Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort of glad
to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom
was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always
losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in
the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked
like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four
guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they
wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she
split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.

[maltembu]

Hospital IRS Audit

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a local hospital.
While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the
hospital and said,
"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the
roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every
now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went,
on in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's
left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We
save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then
they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CFO.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all
the little foreskins and send them to the
IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

[robby017]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one
Day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years
Old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
Great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the
Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
Protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
Parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house,
Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who
Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a
Huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the
Stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the
Situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word..

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the

Table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
Her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her
Over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way
Right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still,
Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to
Rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
Pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!

[camkev]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off
the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of
condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[robby017]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me, they're for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do either."

[camkev]

There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA space center. The redhead says to the flight technician "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week. The blonde says "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?" The blonde says "Well then I'll go at night."


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A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The flight attendant proceeded to go around the airplane checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the Blonde woman she noticed that it was for Coach seating, not first class. She tells the woman, "You're ticket says coach maam and we have a full flight today. I'm going to have to ask you to move." To which the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the woman that she must move. Again, the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Also confused, they go get the captain. He tells the woman that she must move. The blonde starts to say, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful..." when he interrupts and asks, "Can I whisper something in your ear?" "Sure" she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear. Suddenly she gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face. The flight attendants are startled. "How did you get her to move?" "I told her that first class wasn't going to L.A."


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A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you."

She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"

The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."


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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued,
"and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"


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A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."


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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.


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A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."


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A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."


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A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static." "Sorry about, that," replied the store clerk. "We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"


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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."


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A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies......................"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Finally, a smart blonde.


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There was a married blonde who was very concerned about her stupidity to her husband, so she decides to make it up to him by painting the house while he's at work.

When her husband came home, the house was suspiciously green and smelled like paint, so he went to her wife to see what's going on. When he went in the bedroom, she was still painting while she was wearing a ski jacket over a leather jacket. The husband said "I like what you did to the house, but why are you wearing a ski jacket over a leather jacket?" The blonde responds "When I was reading the instructions on the can, it said 'FOR BEST RESULTS, USE TWO COATS!'"


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There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head that was going on vacation to a native island. The brunette brought a portable fridge with her. The red-head asked her "Why are you carrying a fridge with you?" The brunette replies "To keep all of our food in." The red-head is carrying a shotgun with her. The brunette asks "Why do you have that shotgun?" The red-head says "Just in case we run out of food, we can kill something to eat." The blonde is carrying their car door with her. They both ask the blonde "Why are you carrying our car door?" The blonde says "Just in case it gets too hot, I can roll the window down."


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As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[OKUMA-1976]

Three Legged Chicken

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.

Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph!

The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!

Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"

The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."

"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"

"Don't rightly know, I ain't caught one yet!"

[maltembu]

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short Skirts and g string...

One day, a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please", the man says.

The clerk nods, and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf...

The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on, and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips, she is tired, irritated, and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but I've got to admit it's Quivering a little."

[visa]

        Little  Gozitan on an airplane







A stranger was  seated next to a little girl (from Gozo) on the
airplane. He turned  to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if  you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The  little Gozitan girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly  and said to the stranger,
'What would you like to talk about?' 

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear  power?' and he smiled.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an  interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a  cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet, a deer excretes  little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse  produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?' 

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little Gozitan's  intelligence, thinks about it and says,
'Hmmm, I have no idea.' 

To which the little Gozitan replies,
'Do you really feel  qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know  shit? 

[rammx]

hope the stranger wasn't a priest 

[robby017]

loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool tajba rammx...... good joke visa