Jokes!

[OKUMA-1976]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers,

'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1, you have to be single and

2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'

[fishfinder]

http://youtu.be/IpollSJgv1g

[caldaland]

Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? asked Jane's best friend. "Why shouldn't I?" said Jane. "Well, maybe he is having an affair?" "No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."

[fishfinder]

 Screams of Passion


the Italian fellow said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her

  body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I

  made her scream, non stop for five minutes."

  The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body

  with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I

made  her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

  The Maltese said: "That's nothing!!!. Last night I massaged my wife

man,you know-

  all over her body with a special butter.

  I caressed her entire body  with the  butter, and then made love and

I  made her scream for two long hours."

  The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours?

phenomenal!

  How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

  The Maltese: replied   Ostra "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

[blueskip]

On an Air Malta flight from Gatwick to Luqa a blonde got up from economy & went & sat in First Class, she was asked to move by the cabin crew but refused!
The stewardess went to the pilots & asked them to radio ahead for the police to be there when they landed to take the blonde into custody. The co-pilot said "leave this to me I am married to a blonde & I speak blonde", he went up to the blonde & whispered something in her ear, she got up said "Thank you very much" & went & sat back in her seat in economy.
The cabin crew asked what he had said to her to get her to move when they had failed, & he said that he told her that First Class wasn't going to Luqa!

[fishfinder]

MALTESE Technology

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet. A story was subsequently published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of copper wire 250 years old, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network -- 50 years earlier than the British."


One week later, the  Times of Malta reported: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in BIRZEBBUGIA a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Casey has concluded that 250 years ago, MALTA had already gone wireless."     


Makes you bloody proud to be Maltese ........

 

[shanook]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat,
and one says to the other, "I hear that the people
in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling,
"Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk
towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers......

"What part did you get?"

[maltembu]

John Murphy hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.

You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years.

Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[visa]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
________________________________________


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
________________________________________


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
 
________________________________________

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
________________________________________


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
________________________________________


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
________________________________________


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
________________________________________


One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'




 

[shanook]

John I am slowly getting there.... thanks for reminding me :)PPPP

[OKUMA-1976]

In an alcohol factory the regular wine taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.


A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him anyway.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."


"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass.

"It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels."

"Correct."

A third glass.

''It's champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father!"

[Rush]

GHAND IL PERIT

Koppja li kienu qed jahsbu biex jizzewgu marru ghand perit biex

jghamillhom il-pjanta tad-dar u japplikallhom ghall-permessi etc. etc..


Wara li il-perit wriehom xi pjanti li kellu lesti l-gharus qallu li

Ma ghogbu xejn minnhom.

" Tajjeb mela xkellek f'mohhok, perezempju il-kamra tas-sodda kif

tixtieqa?"

"Tonda"

"U l-kamra tal-banju?"

"Tonda"

"U l-kcina?"

"Tonda"

"U s-salott?"

"Tond"

"Skuzi ta, imma hekk ser ikollok hafna hela, hemm xi raguni

Ghala trid kollox tond?"

"Ghax il-kunjata qalet li la tixjieh anke f'ROKNA toqghod!!!"

[Rush]

Have a good laugh...the little boy was brilliant!


AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.  I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Giuseppe Pagano ?

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father.  I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Guseppe, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.  Was it Tina Minetti?

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.  'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.  But you've sinned and have to repent.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.  Now you go and behave yourself.'

Giuseppe walks back to his friends, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and the names of five good girls.'

[Maria]

Tajba din.

[robby017]

An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!"