Nick, most of the international fishing forums have a dedicated section for jokes, normally called Just for laughs....what do you think....
I will reproduce some of the best jokes I've come accross, courtesy of Pakula.com.....
1st Joke
Subject: Men Have Better Friends
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called
his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife
that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her
husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept
over and two said that he was still there.
You gotta love your mates
2nd Joke
9 Words women use
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1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F**CK YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
3rd Joke
Two mates (Mal and Leon) are out fishing at their favorite fishing spot, just fishing quietly and drinking a few beers.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mal says,
"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Leon continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
Joe, the off topic section isn't very full so perhaps for the time being we can continue to use that for jokes.
4th joke....this one'll blow your mind off!!!!
Crazy Facts
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head
off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
....and last, but certainly by no means least....
we have the classic il-maltin mhawnx bhalhom....
Maltese - Wisest of all breeds!!
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An office manager from Wal-Mart in Toronto, Canada was given the
task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man from England on his right, the man
replied, "A THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no
warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the
fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.. "And now you sir?"
he asked the second man from Italy.
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't
know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know
of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a
very popular clich? for speed." He then turned to the third man
from Calgary, Canada who was contemplating his reply.
Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant.
Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The
interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
Turning to the fourth and final man from Malta,
the interviewer posed the same question.
The last man [Maltese] replied, "After hearing the three previous
answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is
DIARRHEA."
WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the Maltese man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants.
The Maltese Got the Job.
Could not resist this one too.....
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was
admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water,and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
This is a classic!!!!
Subject: Four married guys go fishing.........
Four married guys go fishing.
After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy:
"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this
weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the
house next weekend."
Second guy:
"That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new
deck for the pool."
Third guy:
"Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will
remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realised that the fourth guy has not
said a word. So they asked him.
"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy:
"I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear sun-block."
this was sent to me by VISA
Married couple:
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder:
Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months
passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, Are we stuck together forever?'
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns,
looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes, you can get married in Heaven.' he informs the couple,
'Great, but we were just wondering, what if things don't work out?' said the couple. 'Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! St. Peter shouts. 'Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?'
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your a**!"
"AMEN," replied the congregation.
Ahahahaahah loool nice topic guys :D :D:D
Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex
When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.
Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.
You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.
You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.
Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
The Fishing Groom
A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.
He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.
"I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife."
"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."
"Well, what about anal sex?"
"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."
"There is always oral sex."
"Nope, she has pyorrhea."
"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?"
"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"
2 good ones camkev
The second was a blast kev hahaj
The phone rings in the house of the catholic priest,
"Is that Father Antonio",
"It is"
"This is the Maltese Income Tax Department,do you know a Mr Camkev"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation"
"He is"
"Has he recently donated 10,000 Euro to your church?"
"He will!"
blueskip
hey camkev didnt know u were so generous and RICH
A woman gets out of the shower & stands in front of the mirror naked, & comments to her husband on her breasts being too small, instead of disagreeing with her, he suggests that if she rubbed toilet paper on them every day, they would get bigger!:o
When she asked how long it would take, he stated it would take several years to have the full effect, she asked how rubbing toilet paper on her breasts could make them bigger, & he commented that, "It worked for your arse didn't it".
I hear that the chances of him being able to walk again are quite good, but he will be taking his meals through a straw for many years to come!;D
blueskip
One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs his dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down to the driveway he goes
Coming out of his garage the rain is pouring down: it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow and sleet mixed in with the rain. The wind is blowing at over 50mph.
Minutes later he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house. Turns the TV to the weather channel and he finds it is going to be very bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible". To which she sleepily replies, "Yeah, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?"
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How do Chinese parents name their kids?
The parents take a couple of dishes with them and head upstairs. They reach the top of the stairs and throw the dishes downstairs.
"CHING!!! CHONG!!!"
A man is out in his row boat when suddenly a passing speed boat raises huge waves and the man's oars fall overboard! He is stranded out in the middle of the lake!
After about two hours, he sees another row boat going by with a man and two women in it! The first man yells, "Hey buddy, can I borrow one of your oars?"
The other man yells back, "They're not whores ... they're my sisters
Black Parrot
A black guy walks into a bar with a beatiful parrot on his shoulder. "Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something. Where'd you get it?"
"Africa," says the parrot.
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Stolen Bike
A truck driver is driving through a little town in Georgia wit a truck load of bowling balls. In this town there is 2 state troupers who hate truck drivers with a passion. The truck driver sees the two and turns off at the next exit. He sees a little black boy on a bike hitch hicking he picks up the little boy but tells him, "you cant ride up here but you can ride in the back. So he put's the little black boy and his bike in the back and get's back on the interstate. the two state cops see him again and pull him over they start giving him hell just looking for something to write him up for. They can't find anything so they are about to let him go then one says to the other, "We forgot to check the back." So one goes to the back opens the doors, slams them back comes up to the truck driver. The cop is whiter than a ghost and scared as hell, and says "Get the hell out of my town, get the hell out of my county, get the hell out of my state and don't ever come back." So the truck driver leaves. when they get back into the car one looks at the other and says "what the hell did you see back there?" the other says, "That guy was carring a truck load of black babys and one had already hatched and stolen a bike".
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You're So Black
You're so black you blead coffee.
You're so black you could leave a hand print in charcoal.
You're so black you went to night school and the teacher counted you absent.
Oh dear Camkev, "political correctness" would have had you hung, drawn, & quartered, for telling those two over here, make sure you haven't got any twin towers over there, they can aim at! ;D
blueskip
A nun having a bath gets a knock on the bathroom door.
"Who is it" she asks worried
"Blind man from the village" comes the reply.
Well she thinks, it can do no harm letting a blind man in.
"Come in " she replies.
The man walks in, takes a good look and says
"Nice tits love, now where do you want these blinds fitted?"
Dave
Good one dave,tks blueskip!!!!I m still ailve and portomaso is still here. ;)
not for long cause as soon as 'Achmed the Dead Terrorist' hears of this u are in trouble
hose who would like to see Achemd go to
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOXCAKL9ESc
Subject: The Pope
After getting all of the Popes' luggage loaded into the limo, (and he
doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing
on the kerb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at
the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to
work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver. The Pope
pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop
takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets
on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a
hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who ya got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!'
tajba din king
that was is excellent fishfinder!
THAT'S LOVE!
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.
He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."
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A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
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AFFAIR WITH DENTIST
Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours.
But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."
"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."
"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
Great joke man!
Good joke Camkev. keep them coming :)
Mirror mirror on the door
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
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A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun."
The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic."
"Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing.
"What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!"
"That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."
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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
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Bedroom American Football
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says "seven points."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie, score."
After about ten minutes later he old man farts again and says, Touchdown I'm ahead 14 to 7.
Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining real hard the old man tries so hard he poops in the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."
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The Perfect Man
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.
The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
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An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very load voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here... you want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"
All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation...and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"
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A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.
It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading: "keep off the grass."
After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
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Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, ?You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker.?
Janet responded, ?Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's ?politically correct? for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.?
Hillary asked, ?Well,... how do you deal with the problem??
?Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can.?
That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him! She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.
Bill rolled over and asked, ?Janet, is that you??
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Messing With The Sheiks' Women
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting freaky with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a cop," said the first man.
"Then we will shoot your dick off!" said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen," said the second man.
"Then we will burn your dick off!" said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
The third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
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A: What do you call a gay man's scrotum?
Q: Mud flaps!
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The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking around his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes.
One of the old villagers came up to him and said. "Good morning, Vicar, how be you and the wife?"
The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also. I left her in bed smoking."
The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Four kinds of Sex
The first is Smurf Sex - This happens during the honeymoon period of a relationship, you keep doing it and doing it, until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex - This is at the beginning of your marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, anyplace, even in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex - You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have had some kids, so you have to do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is
Hallway Sex - This is where you pass each other in the hallway, look each other in the eye and say, ?F@CK YOU!?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Penis Size
TRUE FACT:
Male sperm (Y) swim faster and die sooner than female sperm (X), because female sperm contain heavier genetic material, which slows them down but allows them to live longer.
THEREFORE:
Males with longer penises tend to produce more male offspring because they deposit the sperm closer to the egg and Y sperm cells win the "sprint." Males with shorter penises tend to have more female offspring because sperm is deposited further from the egg, Y sperm die off thus allowing X sperm to win the "marathon."
CONCLUSION:
Look at your family. This tells you whether or not your father had a big
one.
(That's why i have 2 boys and my father had 3 boys!!!!!!) ;)
So that's why I have 3 sons!!!!...always wondered why!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
......Now we're going personal..... I have 2 girls >:(
i am with u benri 2 girls...........do dogs count????
Good one boys ;) (Kevin tarax kbir ax taqa an nejk :P)
guys next Friday we will bring the measuring tape and we will solve this issue no problem.
The biggest will pay for everyone ;D
Haha good one :P
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "But why?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three Men And A Baby" What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with
fear."
Lion says: "if I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."
Says the chicken: "big deal, I only have to cough, and the entire planet
sh**'s itself."
**************************
A few Days off
I decided that I needed a few days off and realized that I had run out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy, thinking he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.
I came in to work early the next day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde-it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I was doing.
"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."
A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.
"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."
With that, I jumped down and started walking out.
My blonde coworker started following me and the Boss asked where she was going.
"I can't work in the dark," she said.
***************************
A man and an ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the
man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks
the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will
be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with
the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for
a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
**************************************
A ventriloquist
A ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting in his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welsh man "Can I talk to your dog?"
>> >Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
>> >Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
>> >Dog: "Doing all right."
>> >Villager: (look of extreme shock)
>> >Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
>> >Dog: "Yep"
>> >Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
>> >Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
>> >Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
>> >Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
>> >Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."
>> >Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
>> >Horse: "Cool"
>> >Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
>> >Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
>> >Horse: "Yep"
>> >Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
>> >Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
>> >Villager: (total look of amazement)
>> >Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
>> >Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f**king liar!
Read this one guys, and if it doesn't make you cry with laughter tell me next Friday:
IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY
ARTERY - - - - - - - - - The Study of Paintings
BACTERIA - - - - - - - Back Door of a Cafeteria
BARIUM - - - What Doctors Do When Patients Die
BOWEL - - - - - A Letter Like A. E. I. 0 or U.
CAESARIAN SECTION - - - A Neighbourhood in Rome
CAT SCAN - - - - - - - - - Searching for Kitty
CAUTERISE - - --- - - Made Eye-Contact With Her
COMA - - - - - - - - - - - - A Punctuation Mark
D & C - - - - - - - - - - - Where Washington Is
DILATE - - - - - - - - - - - - - To Live Longer
ENEMA - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Not A Friend
FESTER - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Quicker
FIBULA - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A Small Lie
GENITAL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Not A Jew
G. I. SERIES - - - - - - - - A Soldier Ballgame
HANGNAIL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Coat Hook
IMPOTENT - - - - - - Distinguished, Well-Known
LABOUR PAIN - - - - - - - Getting Hurt At Work
MEDICAL STAFF - - - - - - - - - - Doctors Cane
MORBID - - - - - - - - --- - - - A Higher Offer
NITRATES - - - - - - - - Cheaper Than Day Rates
NODE - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Was Aware Of
OUTPATIENT - - - - - - A Person Who Has Fainted
PAP SMEAR - - - - - - - - - - A Fatherhood Test
PELVIS - - - - - - - - - - - A Cousin To Elvis
RECOVERY ROOM - - - - - Place To Do Upholstery
RECTUM - - - - - - - - - Bloody Near Killed Them
SECRETION - - - - - - - - - - Hiding Something
SEIZURE - - - - - - - - - - - - - Roman Emperor
TABLET - - - - - - - - - - - - - A Small Table
TERMINAL ILLNESS - - Getting Sick At The Airport
TUMOUR - - - - - - - - - - - - - More Than One
URINE - - - - - - - - - Opposite Of You?re Out
VARICOSE - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Nearby
VEIN - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Conceited
ramio I just hope for ur sake that there wont be any Irishman at the BBQ otherwise u are in DEEP SHIT man
If He cannot laugh at that one I'll tell him a couple of maltese jokes.
now try these ones, I'm off to sleep. Good night.
First aid
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball
Headed directly towards a group of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his
hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to
roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained: "I'm a physical therapist. Please allow me to help. I Know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me." "Ummph, oooh, nooo, I'll be alright.....I'll be fine in a few minutes", He replied breathlessly as he remained in the foetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she felt so guilty that she continued to insist on helping him.
The man finally relented: "Well, if you really think it would do
some good....." She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
side; she loosened His pants, and she put her hands inside and began
to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"
To which he replied: "Bloody brilliant, but my thumb still hurts
like hell."
*********************************************
Good manners
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students:
"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young Lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
"Just a minute, I have to go pee."
"That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be Right back."
That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word 'Bathroom' at the dinner table.
And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted....
***********************************************
Meaning of the word ?Tragedy?
President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the
classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the
word "tragedy."
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of
a "tragedy."
One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend,
who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over
and kills him, that would be a tragedy." " No," said Bush, "that would be
an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50
children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a
tragedy."
'I'm afraid not." explained the president. "That's what we would
call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can
give me an example of tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a small boy
raised his hand.
In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying Mr. Bush
was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that
would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you
tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either".
**********************
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongsidethe woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you couldstart at any moment. "I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you, " says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
********************************
Taxi Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus,
went up on
the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver
said,
"Look
mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of
me!"
Thepassenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a littletap
would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really
your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a
funeral van for the last 25 years."
RUDE JOKES BEWARE
A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.
She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"
He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."
She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."
St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."
She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that." <<...
----------
What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats? Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
----------
Why do hippos do their romancing underwater? You know how hard it is to keep a five-hundred pound pussy wet? <<...
----------
A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
So, he gets a cup of coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it."
The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
----------
How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean.
---------
can i say one in maltese?
These are the reasons why beer is better than woman :P
1. You can enjoy a BEER all month.
2. BEER stains wash out.
3. Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car.
4. When BEER goes flat you toss it out.
5. A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER.
6. BEER labels come off without a fight.
7. After you have a BEER, the bottle is still worth a dime.
8. A BEER won't get upset if you come home with BEER on your breath.
9. You can have more than one BEER a night and not feel guilty.
10. You can share a BEER with your friends.
11. You always know that you are the first one to pop a BEER.
12. BEER looks the same in the morning.
13. BEER doesnt have a mum
:D
One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went fishing.
Pleasure is where you find it
Hehe ;D
mela darba kin emm guvni u mar go bar u staqsih andek 'ice tea tal peach?u l barman qallu'le m andix'.
L-ghada dan il-guvni rega' mar ghand l-istess bar u staqsih'andek ice tea tal- peach?' u l barman qallu 'mhux diga adtlek il birah li m andix!!!jekk terga tigi ghada tistaqsi,nisparalek.'
L-ghada dan il guvni rega mar jistaqsi fl istess bar u qallu 'andek revolver?' u l barman wiegbu 'le' u rega staqsa il guvni, 'mela tista ittini ice tea?'
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he
grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by
puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her
Straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage,
flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
'Now. Tell HIM you have a headache.'
tajba joe
Only read a couple and I'm laughing my head off...will read the rest when I'm having a bad day at work :D
lofl!!! tajba Gaffer
the duck
a duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich, the barman looks at him and says "hang on your a duck".
"i see your eyes are working" says the duck, "and you can talk"! says the barman.
"i see your ears are working too" says the duck, "now can i have that beer and sandwich please" "sorry about that, its just we dont get many ducks in here, what are you doing around here" asks the barman.?
"i"m working on the building site across the road, "i"m a plasterer,
the barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper and starts to read it, so the duck reads his paper,drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman gooday and leaves.
one day a circus comes to town, and the ringmaster goes in the bar for a pint, the barman tells him all about the duck, "sounds marvelous" says the ringmaster, "tell him to give me a call". so the next day when the duck comes in the barman says, "hey mr. duck, i think i can get you a top job paying really good money", "i"m allways on the lookout for the next job" says the duck, "where is it "?
"at the circus" says the barman,
"the circus" repeats the duck,
"thats right" says the barman,
"thats the place with the big tent"says the duck,
"yeh" says the barman,
"with all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans, and the tent has canvas sides and a big hole in the middle" askes the duck,
"thats right" says the barman,
the duck shakes his head in amazement and says.
"what the f*** would they want with a plasterer"??. ;D
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
Bertu w ohtu Katarin
Fil-gnien kienu t-tnejn qeghdin,
Bertu kellu seba' snin
Sentejn izghar Katarin.
Qallha Bertu, bhal mignun:
"Ghandi bewla ta' gallun..!"
W ghalhekk hass li kien jaqbillu
Jhaffef johrog il-firillu.
"Ghall-erwieh... ittawwal naqra
X'bewla niezla taht l-ghajnbaqra!"
Izda ohtu Katarin
Mohhha kien fir-rebekkin!
"Dak xi jkun? Mnejn gie?
F'sormok Bert... dak m'ghandix bhalu!"
Bertu wiegeb ... ftit mifxul:
"Allur'inti minn fejn tbul?"
Katarin bla xejn inkwiet
Haffet nizzlet il-qalziet,
Qaltlu: "Dan ghal kollox jghodd,
Insejhulu Pastizzott!"
Bertu hares iccassat,
Qatt ma kien ra skerz bhal dak;
Donnu doughnut, donnu fula,
Donnu qasma f'nofs ravjula;
Donnu wicc ta' barbgann,
Jew inkella hot-cross-bun,
Jew bezzun mixquq pulit...
Qallha: "Nista' mmissu ftit?"
Idu fuqu issa qieghed,
Qalbu ttaqtaq u titrieghed,
'Mma kif mar is-salt jaghtih,
Tfaccat ommu minnufih.
Qajmet pandemonju kbir,
Qaltlu: "Puh, kemm int hanzir!
Ghadek ckejken bhal gurdien,
Daqs missierek gej nittien!!"
U b'hekk Bertu ha lezzjoni
Illi l-mara......tentazzjoni.
L-ghaxar Kmandamenti:
1. Titwieled ghazien biex tghix mistrieh.
2.Hobb is-sodda tieghek bhala innifsek.
3.Strieh matul il-gunata biex torqod matul il-lejl.
4. Jekk tara lil xi hadd jistrih,ghinu.
5.Ix-xoghol hu strapazz,qieghed xi haga ratba tahtek.
6.Taghmilx illum dak li tista taghmel ghada.
7.Ghamel l-inqas li tista u dak li ghandek taghmrl ghid lil haddiehor jaghmlu.
8.Bl-ghazz qatt ma miet hadd.
9.Jekk tigik xewqa li tahdem,poggi bilqieghda u stenna li tghaddilek.
10.Jekk ix-xoghol salmura tal-gisem,l-ghazz balzmu tal-madalena.
hahah tajbin dawn maxxat ! jaqaw tipratikom xi naqa jew? :P:P
Mhux bil fors.. ma iridx inkn midneb ta' jien :P
good one Maxxat ;D
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.
When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"
"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.
The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hunting with a wife
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"
The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My wife."
hahahaha nice joke guys !! ;D
Chris 8)
The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on... take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows...
You can't kill Two Birds
with OneStone !!!
Maybe not "Politically correct" this one ::)
Very Politically incorrect...please refrain from jokes of this nature as they are totally unacceptable....
The_gaffer
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says,"Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious? "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you do have all the equipment." MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
One day Jim was out fishing and was not having any luck at all, he tried lures, worms and other types of bait and was just not catching anything. Tom was fishing about 20 feet from him and was catching fish as fast as he cast his line out. Jim was getting very jealous of this show off, so he asked the Tom what he was using for bait. The man said " I am using worms, but I dip them in whiskey" Jim got really interested in this technique so he asked Tom if he could try one of these drunk worms. Tom had no problem with this request so he handed Jim one of the worms. Jim placed the worm on the hook and cast out no sooner than his hook hit the water, Jim's pole began to bow like crazy, he set his hook and started to reel it in. Once he got his catch up to the shore he noticed that the worm had the fish by the throat.
Kent and three of his buddies have gone fishing every Saturday for nearly forty years. One Saturday, the guys are fishing along a highway when a funeral processional drives by. Well, Kent lays down his pool, stands up in the boat, takes off his lucky hat and places it over his heart. This processional is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass. Once it passes, Kent sits down, puts his hat on and cast out without saying a word. Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions. One of em finally speaks up and says, "that sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by." Kent replied, "It seems the least I could do seeing as how I've been married to the woman for over forty years!"
A blonde wanted to go ice-fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy foot-stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!" Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!" The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Who are you --- God?" The voice replied, "NO, I OWN THE ICE-RINK!"
Henry's son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was. "Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away." "Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off." "But that's just what I did, mommy."
wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him. The husband:
- Oh dear, it was so dirty that I had to rub it so hard... it almost hurts!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While making love, he says:
- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two friends:
- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
- Of course! How many people are coming?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don?t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don?t bark.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One woman stops a taxi.
- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you haven?t arrived to the airport yet neither.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
- You know, my son, I didn?t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.
Prosit kev i liked these ones :P bit rude though lol anyway i expect nothing more from yu LOOOL
THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
nice one, love it !
looooooooooool nice 1 gaffer
hahahahahaha vera Bommbaaa loooooool tajba !!
Nice one joe !! ;D ;D ;)
Chris 8)
hehe gr8 joke ..keep posting more good stuff
CHECK FOR ALZHEIMERS.
the folloeing was developed as a mental age assesssment by the SCHOOL OF PSYCHIATRY AT HARVARD UNIVERSITY.
take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
the average person over 40 years of age cannot do it !
1) this is this cat.
2)this is is cat.
3)this is how cat.
4)this is to cat.
5)this is keep cat.
6)this is an cat.
7)this is old cat.
8)this is fart cat.
9)this is busy cat.
10)this is for cat.
11)this is forty cat.
12)this is seconds cat.
now go back and read the third word in each line from top to bottom.
nice one mike
Pharmacist Phun
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
*********************************************************
Sign Language
I was doing yard work after the storm this past weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me so she shouted back, "What?" I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. My wife wasn't sure about what I meant and said, "What?" I repeated the gestures. "EYE KNEE-THE RAKE"
My wife nodded that she understood and signalled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to figuring out
that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her,
"What the hell was that ?"
She replies,
"EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"
********************************************************
THE BARBER
> > A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before
> >can get a haircut?"The barber looked around the shop full of
>customers
> >and said, "About two hours."The guy left.
> >
> > A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
> >"How
> >long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looked around at the shop
> >and said, "About three hours."The guy left.
> >
> > A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How
> >long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looked around the shop
>and
> >said, "About an hour and a half."The guy left.
> >
> > The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.
> >Follow that guy and see where he goes.He keeps asking how long he has
> >to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
> >
> > A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing
>hysterically.
> >
> > The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
> >
> > Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
*******************************************
The Koala and the Little Lizard.
A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past
and looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and.
falls into the river
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him
to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Fuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
***************************************************
Tit for Tat
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are
their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives they find it overloaded and only the wife and
the nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick
of the blind man as he taps it on the side walk and says to him:
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!
The blind man replies: "If you had put a rubber on the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up!"
Great Jokes Man!!!!
> A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for
> 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
> Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy
> out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the home-
> owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,
> kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
>
> While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
> 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his
> clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and
> hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
> neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do
> whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
> nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If
> he gets angry, he'll kill us both.. Be strong, honey.
> I love you!'
>
> His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck - he was
> whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks
> you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him
> it was in the bathroom.
>
> 'Be strong. I love you, too!'
>
> AFTER A WHILE..........
>
> OOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
> HHH
>
> ------------------------
hahhaha Lool dawn min fejn igibhom lahwa!!! nice joke Kaptan Jr. !!
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive.'
'How much?' asked Grandpa.
'$10.00 a pill,' Answered the son.
'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.'
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.. He called Grandpa and said, 'I told you each pill was $10, not $110.00.
'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma!'
A bad day at work..
ouch.................................
This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a
bad day at work think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana .
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio
station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana , who was sponsoring a
worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
~~Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a
bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work,
so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's
not so bad after all . Before I can tell you what happened to me, I
first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my
office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's
a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial
water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the
sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to
the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air h ose. Now
this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with
no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my
whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few
seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but
the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot
water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now,
since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to
it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched
what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into
the crack of my ass.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the c ommunicator. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other
divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the
dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin
my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was
wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running
down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my
butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I
couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat
to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.' Whenever you
have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the
Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course my child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
The priest answered: 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn
you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?! '
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, and so asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
Tajba Ramio ;D ;) :D :D :P
nice 1 ramio!
Old man rocking on his porch
An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.
Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!
Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!
Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!"
A man is out in his row boat when suddenly a passing speed boat raises huge waves and the man's oars fall overboard! He is stranded out in the middle of the Harbour!
After about two hours, he sees another row boat going by with a man and two women in it! The first man yells, "Hey buddy, can I borrow one of your oars?" The other man yells back,
"They're not whores ... they're my sisters!"
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,
And noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said I am a Father. '
The little boy replied.
My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.
The priest looked up from his book and answered.
'I am the Father of many. '
The boy said.
My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!
The priest, getting impatient, said.
I am the Father of hundreds ' and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said.
Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar. ' !!! :D
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.'
So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and the boyfriend said 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl said 'Put them between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm them up'.
So he did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said 'My nose is cold.'
The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'
So he did and his nose began to get warm.
He lifted his head up from between the girls legs and said 'Do you know what I think my penis is frozen solid'
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis'
Slightly concerned the mother said, 'Why, yes. Why do you ask' The daughter replies, 'Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they
God sends for 3 world leaders and tells them that he is really angry
> With all the problems the world gives him and has decided to destroy the
> planet in 3 days.
>
>
> Bush goes back to Washington and tells his people:
> 'I have good news and bad news................
> The good news is there really is a God,
> The bad news is that we have really goofed up and the world will end in 3
> days.'
>
>
> Jiang Zemin returns to the People's Republic of China and tells his
> people,
> 'I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is there is a God after all,
> The worse news is he is going to stop our plan for world domination in 3
> days.'
>
>
> Lawrence Gonzi returns to Malta with a big smile and says,
> 'I have good news and unbelievably better news!
> The good news is that God thinks I am one of the 3 most important people
> in the world.
> The better news is that
> The economy crisis,
> The illegal immigrants' problem
> The housing shortage
> And also all road maintenance problems
> Will finish in just 3 days'
>
>
> ALLELUIA....... BLESS THE LORD!!!!
>
>
18 Reasons why Fishing is better than Sex
18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines..
17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.
15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing,you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago
13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
12 - When you see a really good Fisherperson, you don't have feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.
10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.
7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.
6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.
1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"
Fishing For a Sale A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Maxxat, name one important person we didn't have with us 20 years ago.
Maxxat: Me!
:P
A mounted Police Officer was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.'
from Bikri
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
huh? wtf? LOOOL :P
no matter what political party you have got to love this.
a little boy goes to his dad and asks "what is politics".
dad says "well son, let me try to explain it tis way:
i am the head of the family, so call me the PRESIDENT.
your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the GOVERNMENT.
we are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the PEOPLE.
the nanny, we will consider her the WORKING CLASS.
and your baby brother, we will call him the FUTURE.
now think about this and see if it makes sense,
the boy goes to bed thinking about what dad said.
later in the night he hears his baby brother crying, so he goes to check on him.
he finds the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
so the boy goe to his parents room and finds his mum fast asleep, not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny"s room. finding the door locked, he peeks in the key holeand sees his dad in bed with the nanny, so he gives up and goes back to bed.
the following day he says "dad i think i understand politics" "good son tell me what its all about".
the little boy replies. the PRESIDENT is screwing the WORKING class while the GOVERNMENT is fast asleep. the PEOPLE are being ignored, and the FUTURE is in deep sh*t
A married man was visiting his mistress one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James," she pleaded, "I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome, clean-shaven face."
James quickly replied, "My wife loves this beard, Jocelyn. I couldn't
possibly do it. She would kill me!"
"Oh, please?" Jocelyn asked again, in a sexy little voice.
"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "She loves it ... I just can't!"
But Jocelyn was seductively persistent, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, a worried James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face. Suddenly she was wide awake and sitting bolt upright in the bed. She said tersely,
"Jesus Christ, Michael! What the hell are you doing here? My husband will be home any minute!"
Little Jacob was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little Jacob said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it is not called Sexual Intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jackie's Mom wants to talk to you.'
A feminist visits KABUL just after the fall of the Taliban and is not very pleased to see that women must walk 5 paces behind the men. A year later she returns and is delighted to find that the men must now walk 5 paces behind the women, she asked the interpretor What brought about the change ? HE just replied LAND MINES
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'
'Perfect ' her husband said.'
I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'
A man walks into a bar with a tiger on a lead, Do you serve Imimgrants in this bar, Of course we do replied the bar man, WE are not racist or predudiced in this bar. GOOD says the man. I wil have a Cisk for me and a imigrant for the tiger thanks
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad News, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Are you sure that dead donkey buyer was not called Gordon BROWN cos we have a prime minister of that name that pulls off stunts like that every day with other peoples money HA HA HA
Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
The Farmer's Daughters
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get ome spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck? --" and the farmer shot him.
WAS stood in the square in Buggiba when a imigrant came up to me and asked me Wots the quickest way to GET TO THE hospital.??? So i pushed him under a 49 bus HA HA HA
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver
won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend
you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have sex with a nun.'
She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, You have to be single
#2, You must be Catholic.
# 3, I have to save my virginity, you will have to enter me from behind.
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single, Catholic, and
Im happy to enter from behind!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy, in a way that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and
I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy
dress
party.'
At school little Johnny learns about medicines.
The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of
medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: Tylenol?
Very good! And what is it used for?
It is used for headache.
The second pupil said: Nytol
Excellent. And what it is used for?
To help you sleep
Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: Viagra
'Johnny. What is it used for?'
I think it can be used for diarrhea.
Who told you this? 'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father
'take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder'.
2 migrants were on safari in lion territory. Their attention was drawn to a lot of commotion coming from some bushes and they went to investigate.They saw one lion licking another lions ass. The migrant asked his friend "is this how lions court?" The other migrant answered "No, that lion has just eaten an englishman and is trying to get rid of the bad taste!"
A Somalian illegal immigrant in Malta is now out of the can earlier then he thought [ thanks to the Refugee Commission, the Jesuits and other humanitarian agencies ] ??.
He stops the first man he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr Maltese man for letting me in this country, giving me housing, a monthly subsistence cheque, free medical care and free education!'
The man says moving his head from left to right, 'you are mistaken my friend, I am Pakistani.'
The Somali man goes on and encounters another passer-by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Malta !'
This person says, 'I no Maltese, me from Nigeria , me footballer, me play for big club Bubaqra United.'
He walks on and stops the next person, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful things in Malta !'
This person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from the West Bank Palestine , I am not Maltese!'
Finally, he sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you Maltese?'
She says,' No, I am from Ukraine !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Maltese people?'
The Ukrainian lady checks her watch and says ..
(ROLL DOWN FURTHER)
? Probably at work!! '
When asked if I prefered Leg or breasts I told the stranger that I had a particular fondness for hairy pussys,HE then informed me that this was not an option when ordering a KFC bargain bucket
A recent survey of 100 sexually active men what they enjoyed most about a blow job, 99-9 said the ten minutes of silence
HAHAHAHA nice one !!! :P
Chris 8)
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that stuff?'
HI how many animals can you fit in a pair of tights?. Answer = 2 calves,1beaver,1,ass, 1pussy,countless hares, the occasional cock, and 1 dead fish that body can find
A little British humour
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire
length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well
dressed,
middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
'Americans
are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left
was under
that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also
arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the
little dog,
tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! This American
should be
put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans
often
seem
to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork
in the
wrong
hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now,
sir, you
seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!
Never be late !!!!
Retirement Dinner
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Ethel is a prostitute, but she did not want her Grandma to now what she did for a living. One day the police raided the brothel where Ethel worked, They marched all the working girls outside and lined them up, Just at that moment Ethels grandma walks past and sees the commotion,And spots Ethel. quick thinking Ethel tells grandma that they are lined up waiting for free oranges, so grandma decides to join the end of the quew to get her free orange.The police eventually reach grandma and begin to question her, How do you manage to do it at your age grandma? OH I JUST take out my teeth pull back the skin and suck em dry, The police man fainted
Harley Davidson died and whent to heaven,He started boasting to God on how he had created the best moter cycle the world had ever seen. God disagreed saying BMWs were a better designed bike. Harley said what the chuff do you knowabout design ? YOU CREATED woman and look at the problems we have with them. WELL EXCUSE ME says God B ut I think youll find a lot more men are riding my chuffing creation than yours
Subject: Il-manieri
Waqt wahda mis- sezzjonijiet taghha fil-klassi, l-Ghalliema bdiet taghllem dwar kif ghandu jkollok manjieri tajbin. Hija bdiet tistaqsi l-istudenti Taghha,*
'Michael, li kieku kellek date --- ikla, ma tfajla, kif se Tghidilha li ghandek bzonn tmur sat-toilet?'
Michael irrisponda, 'Tini minuta ghax ghandi bzonn naghmel pipi.'
L-Ghalliema irispondit billi qalet, 'Le hazin !'
' U int Peter XI tkun ir- risposta tieghek?'*
Peter qal, 'Skuzani, imma ghandi bzonn immur sal kamra tal banju.
Nigi
Lura Ma ndumx.'
'Hekk hafna ahjar, imma xorta mhux pulit li tuza IL kelma `tal banju`Waqt L-ikel'*
'U int Little Johnny, tista' tuza mohhok ghal darba u tghidilna IL manjieri tajba tieghek XI jkunu?'*
Kieku nghidilha hekk, 'Darling, tista' tiskuzani ftit jekk
Joghgbok?*
Ghandi bzonn niehu b'idejn habib kbir tieghi, li nispera li nlaqqek Mieghu Wara din l-ikla.
> IT-TRADUTTUR
>
>
>
>
>
> KURUNELL Good evening Malta. thank you ever so much for inviting me to
> give this speech and I promise that I will be brief, and to the point.
>
> TRADUTTUR Mela bonswa Malta, grazzi talli stedintuh biex ikellimkhom,
> u jwieghedkhom li ha jkun qasir u ppuntat.
>
> KURUNELL Being a former navy captain, I often make my journeys by ship.
>
> TRADUTTUR Huwa jhobb joqghod jigi bid-dghajsa.
>
> KURUNELL And I daresay that Malta was no exception.
>
> TRADUTTUR U llum behsiebu jaghmel l-istess.
>
> KURUNELL Now that I am finally here about to start my speech I
> find myself wildly enthusiastic to set off.
>
> TRADUTTUR Issa li sa fl-ahhar wasal, ghandu genn biex jitlaq.
>
> KURUNELL But I am fully aware that my speech needs a translation.
>
> TRADUTTUR Izda jaf li d-diskors tieghu ha jkollu bzonn traduzzjoni.
>
> KURUNELL And that is why according to the EU Constitution, I have brought
> along a translator.
>
> TRADUTTUR U ghalhekk skond l-Unjoni Ewropea, gab mieghu it-traduttur.
> (JIPPONTA LEJH INNIFSU)
>
> KURUNELL I would like to reassure you that Her Majesty the Queen will
> shortly be here along with two of her trusty dogs of course.
>
> TRADUTTUR Jixtieq jghidilkom li dalwaqt gejja r-regina maz-zewgt iklieb
> taghha.
>
> KURUNELL And everyone is quite amazed at what a lovely pair they are.
>
> TRADUTTUR U kulhadd mistaghageb x'par ghandha.
>
> KURUNELL I would like to start by apologising
>
> TRADUTTUR Jixtieq jibda billi jghidilkom sorry
>
> KURUNELL Because as you all know, in the past few years, I have created
> several new positions within my department, and this has caused a lot of
> shifts.
>
> TRADUTTUR Ghax bhal ma tafu, f'dawn l-ahhar snin, ivvinta xi jobs godda
> u dawn ikkagunaw hafna caqliq.
>
> KURUNELL But now, although I feel bad about this, I'm afraid that there
> are some of these that I think I'm going to have to extract.
>
> TRADUTTUR Imma issa qed ihossu hazin u jahseb li se jaqla.
>
> KURUNELL This is because there are some things that I need to remedy.
>
> TRADUTTUR Dan huwa peress li hemm certi affarijiet li ghandu bzonn
> jirremettihom.
>
> KURUNELL I'm sorry to say, but I also believe that there are more
> problems in another department that is lower down than mine.
>
> TRADUTTUR Tghidlu qalbu li ghandu xi problemi wkoll fid-dipartiment
> t'hemm isfel.
>
> KURUNELL For some reason, it is no longer functioning as it should.
>
> TRADUTTUR Ghal xi raguni m'ghadux jahdem sew.
>
> KURUNELL However, I am now proud to report that things are finally
> looking up.
>
> TRADUTTUR Imma issa jista jghidilkom b'wiccu minn quddiem li kollox qed
> ihares 'il fuq.
>
> KURUNELL I feel that as a body, my organisation is currently getting
> tougher.
>
> TRADUTTUR Huwa jhoss li gismu bhal-issa qed jibbies.
>
> KURUNELL In fact, I am very much looking forward to the day when I will
> finally reveal all my plans to the general public.
>
> TRADUTTUR Fil-fatt, igri jasal dak in-nhar meta jkun jista jikxef
> kollox quddiem in-nies.
>
> KURUNELL But for now, I will give you one important message.
>
> TRADUTTUR Imma ghalissa, ha jaghtikhom messagg importanti.
>
> KURUNELL I will give you this message without beating about the bush.
>
> TRADUTTUR Dan il-mesagg ha jtihulkom minghajr ma joqghod isawwat lil
> Bush.
>
> KURUNELL Remember that as Maltese, you are all pulling the same rope.
>
> TRADUTTUR Ftakru li bhala Maltin, inthom kollha qed tigbdu l-istess habel.
>
> KURUNELL And in my estimation, I put you down as a religious nation, and
> you have all the saints to help you.
>
> TRADUTTUR U ghan-nizla kull qaddis jghin.
>
> KURUNELL I swear
>
> TRADUTTUR Ha jidghi.
>
> KURUNELL That whenever I hear that you need my help
>
> TRADUTTUR U malli jkun jaf li ghandkom bzonn l-ghajnuna tieghu
>
> KURUNELL I will start pulling that rope along with all the saints
>
> TRADUTTUR Ha jaqbad jigbed bil-qaddisin kollha.
>
> KURUNELL Thank you.
>
> TRADUTTUR Ta xejn hi
Ryan Air pilot Paddy is flying into Manchester Airport, the plane develops engine trouble so paddy calls the tower. HELP, HELP, Easter, Pancake day, New Years Eve,Bank holiday Monday, Halloween, Bonfire night.!!!! suddenly a voice comes back, FOR CHUFFS SAKE PADDY ITS, MAYDAY !!!!!!!!
a woman in her late 30s is at home happily jumping naked, up and down on her bed squealing with delight.
her husband watches her for a while and asks,"do you have any idea how stupid you look ? whats the matter with you"?
the woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "i dont care what you think. i just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am i healthy, but i have the breasts of an 18 year old."
the husband replies, "what did he say about your 42-year old arse"?
"your name never came up" she replied.
Why Parents Drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,
' The search team just landed a helicopter '
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
' ME . '
Good reason not to flirt...
A couple was invited to a fancy dress party, but the wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go alone.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was,
she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in
his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally,
since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her earand she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse
in the back seat. She slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening"
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
love it.
is there anyway we can post picture jokes, or is it not allowed. i mean some i have e mailed me can i forward them on to you, if so how ?
This I had to share with you guys, I'm still crying with laughter.
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The Bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:
A salt shaker,
A shot of Baileys,
A shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue,
Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.'
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth........smooth,
Rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits....
At two seconds the Baileys curdles.....
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like
consistency hits.....
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, Jesus what do you call that drink?'
She smiles widely at him and says, 'Blow Job Revenge.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"
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For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
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This man, his wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along. While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife.
The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road. What are you pulling me over for? Queried the startled driver. The officer responded, "I pulled you over for creating a "Road Hazard, for other drivers!" What hazard? Asked the man. "A puppy bounced out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it." Now your Drivers License and Proof of Insurance please. Thank you Sir... And the 'Bitches' name, Sir. Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch! Sir, I was referring to the dog! Oh... Her name is Maisy. What do you want her name for, officer? Well Sir, after I write your ticket for "Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to cite your dog, Maisy, for Littering!
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After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
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At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
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A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"
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Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."
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A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."
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A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
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A couple went to a doctor because the man was feeling down, tired all the time. The doctor said I will give a shot of vitamins, a prescription for some pep pills from the drugstore, and an empty jar for checking your sperm count - bring it back in next week so I can check it. When the guy came back to the doctor, the doctor said "Why, this jar is empty, I told you I needed to do a sperm count." The guy said, "I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, my wife tried with her left hand and she also tried with her right hand, she even tried with her teeth. We could not get that jar open!"
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
>
> Ragel, mara u l-kunjata marru vaganza gewwa Gerusalem.
> Waqt li kienu hemm, il-kunjata mietet.
>
> Id-deffien qalilhom, 'tistghu jew tibghatuha lura b'vapur ghal-2000 lira,
> jew inkella tindifen hawnhekk go din l-art sagra ghal-75 lira.'
>
> Ir-ragel hasibha ghal ftit, imbghad qallu li ha jkollu jibghatha lura
> f'pajjizhom b'vapur.
> Id-deffien staqsa, 'Ghaliex ha toqghod tonfoq 2000 lira biex tibghatha lura
> l-kunjata,
> meta tkun tant haga sabiha li tindifen gewwa Gerusalem, u tkun infaqt biss
> 75 lira'.
> Ir-ragel irrisponda, 'Zmien twil ilu kien miet ragel hawn, gie midfun hawn,
> u tlett ijiem wara qam mill-mewt. Ma nistax niehu dak ir-riskju.
>
illostja fishfinder tajba kinet din eeeee
hahahaha.. tajba fishfinder
Darba kien hemm ragel u mar ghal kacca ma siehbu filodu.
Wara xi nofsiegha li kienu ilhom hemm, addew qatgha ghasafar u kien preparat biex jispara dan!
Hekk kif tella is-senter, siehbu lemah funeral addej minn magenbhom.
Qallu "Ieqaf ieqaf, tisparax!!"....
Qabes il-kaccatur, qallu "Il-ghala bhalek waqqaftni biex ma nisparax!?"
Qabes siehbu, qallu "Ilni hajti kolla ma naghtiex rispett lil mara, f'dan il-hin kien haqqha ftit rispett!"
Translation
Once there was a man and went hunting with his partner in the morning.
After Half an hour that they have been hunting a group of Birds passed by and he was ready to shoot.
As he aimed and was ready to shoot his partner saw a funeral passing next to them.
Stop Stop don't shoot!!!! he said
The Hunter told him " why did you stop me from shooting!?"
And his partner replied " it's been all my life that I didn't gave any respect to my wife, and in this moment she diserves a little respect!" ;D Fishfinder
just reading about licenzja tal-yachts. thought this may apply, or may be deleted.
the government today announced today it is changing its national emblem to a condom, because it more accurately reflects its political stance, a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of prxxks, and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being screwed.
One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived, and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach the step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reaches back and unzipps her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reaches back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifts up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrased the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turns around furiously and says, ?How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!? Shocked, the man says, ?Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.?
A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older. "Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I amsure that mine is the oldest profession." "No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some emblance of order from this chaos.So engineering is older." "But," chirped the triumphant politician,"who created the chaos?"
hahaha tajba fishfinder looooooooooooooool viva gerusalem LOOOOOL
QABEL IT-TIEG
Ragel: Fl-ahhar! Kemm ili nistennieh dal-mument.
Mara: Jaqaw tridni nitlaq?
Ragel: Mela qed tiggennen? X'int tahseb jew!
Mara: Imma thobbni?
Ragel: Dazgur! Dejjem!
Mara: Qatt qlibthieli?
Ragel: F'gieh Alla l-Imbierek! U zgur li le.
Mara: Taghmel sess mieghi biss?
Ragel: U zgur. Kull cans li nsib, ma nitlifhiex.
Mara: Se ssawwatni?
Ragel: Int x'int, mignuna?
Mara: Nista nafdak?
Ragel: Uuuu!
Mara: Qalbi!
WARA IT-TIEG: AQRA MIN TAHT
This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground..
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple str uggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
God Bless Maltese generosity. A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit N. Africa .Two million Africans have died and over a million are injured. The countries effected are ruined and the governments do not know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock........
United States is sending troops to help. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France ) is sending food and money. The Maltese, not to be outdone, are sending all the illegal immigrants back to replace the dead Africans.
Subject: Don't mess with us Maltese--GOOD ONE!
A lawyer and a Maltese are sitting next to each other on a
long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Maltese are so
dumb that he could get over on them easy...So the lawyer
asks if the Maltese would like to play a fun game.
The Maltese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he
politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you
a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me
only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer,
I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Maltese
attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play
the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the
distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Maltese
doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a
five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Maltese's turn. He asks the lawyer,
'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down
with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all
references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all
the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour
of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Maltese
and hands him $500. The Maltese pockets the $500 and goes
right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes
the Maltese up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill
with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Maltese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and
goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with us Maltese.
A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend.After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she hadlovingly done on many occasions.Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.
darba kien hemm wahda tahdem fl fabrika tal ixkupi, u din kienet
tisma hafna min omma...din omma kienet tejdilha biex meta tkun taghmel
> >>>>>toilet
> >>>>>qatt ma thares l isfel ghax tiehu skandlu... Din it tifla darba
> >>>ghelbita l
> >>>>>kurzita u harset; Hadet Qata kbira xhin rat hafna suf...marret tigri
> >>>fejn
> >>>>>l assistant manager u qaltlu ha nzarma min dan ix xol ghax qabditni l
> >>>>>marda
> >>>>>tal ixkupi!!... u dan beda jinkwieta, hada fejn l general manager u
> >>>dan
> >>>>>pprova jikonvincija tibqa ghax kienet wahda li tahdem hafna u ittella
> >>>>>production...dan saqsija 'ghalfejn trid titlaq?', u din qaltlu ghax
> >>>>>qabditni l marda tal ixkupi ghax hemm isfel ghandi hafna suf, dan
> >>>tbissem
> >>>>>u
> >>>>>dlonk neza l qalziet tieghu u qal dak kulhadd ghandu!!...f daqqa din
> >>>>>ghajtet 'Ara Mad*n** ta dan bil lasta b kollox!!!
Tom and Harry go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Tom missed the tube & Harry came on the bus!!
******
A Muslim was sitting next to a catholic on a plane. The catholic ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
The catholic handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'
******
Pete calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Pete replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'
******
Two couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex one of the men says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
******
Patric takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want, don?t you?'
'Yeah,' says Patric. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'
******
Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
******
Peter the prison electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
******
Andy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Andy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Andy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'
******
Mick & Patric are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Patric says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'
The manager of a small business and his secretary decided to go over to her place for some "gymnastics". Afterwards, they both fall asleep
When the manager wakes up and looks at his watch, he discovers that it is after 8 o'clock in the evening.
He jumps up in a panic wondering what he's going to say to his wife. He tells the secretary to quickly take his shoes out into the yard and rub them around in the grass. Then he finishes dressing and goes home.
When the man opens the door to the house, his wife is standing in the doorway fuming and asks him where the hell he's been until 8:30 in the evening?
The man calmly replies that he and his secretary are having an affair and that they had fallen asleep after going to her place this afternoon.
His wife looked at him very carefully and when she saw the state of his shoes, she exclaimed: "You liar, you've been FISHING!"
good one haha
Click on this link to view a funny video on fishing activities.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuVmJ8TPTNU and also there is another one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UknIpBG0YxY this one seems to hurt.
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
>
> One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and
> made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.
>
> Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'
>
> Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the
> police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
>
> 'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,'
> Grandma said, and she proceeded to the end of the line.
>
> A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the
> prostitutes. When he got to Grandma he was bewildered and exclaimed,
'Wow,
> still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'
>
> Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip
> the skin back and suck 'em' dry.'
>
> The policeman fainted.
Lol nice one kaptan
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the
door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do
you have a vagina'.She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he
asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'.
She slams the door again.Later that night when her husband gets home she
tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the
wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be
home just in case this guy shows up again'.The next morning they hear a
knock at the door and both run for the door.The husband says to the wife in
a whispered voice
'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same
guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he
is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
'Do you have vagina'......'Yes' she says......
The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my
wife's alone and start using yours ?'!
il ahwa kaptan tajba din :D
> Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
> smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the
> end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
>
> Arlene: What in the hell is that?
>
> Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
>
> Arlene: Where did you get it?
>
> Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
>
> The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
> announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
>
> The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
> (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
> brand of condom she prefers.
>
> 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
>
> The pharmacist fainted.
>
> (For those who have never smoked - Camel is a brand of cigarettes)
> Broccoli Casserole > A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. > This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. > They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. > > The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, > thanks to her nervousness and the b roccoli casserole > The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. > Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve > herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. > > It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the > poof. > > Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, > her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that > had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and > said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'. > > The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile > came across her face. > > A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel > the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. > She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.. > > The father again looked at the dog and yelled, > 'Skippy!' > > Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' > A few minutes later the woman had to let another > rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let > a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing. > > Once again, the father looked at the dog with > disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, > before she shits on you!'
> A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought
> she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he
> called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
>
> The Doctor told him there is a simple info rmal test the husband could
> perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
>
> Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her,
> and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If
> not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
>
> That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the
> den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
> happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
>
> No response.
>
> So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife
> and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
>
> Still no response.
>
> Next he moves into the dining room where he is about
> 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
>
> Again he gets no response.
>
> So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's
> for dinner?" Again there is no response.
>
> So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
>
> >
>
> "Ralph , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2.. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..
3. I take my wife everywhere....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked wher e the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late
for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'
10. R emember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust!'
> 1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
>
> 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?
>
> 1st woman: I Froze to Death.
>
> 2nd woman: How Horrible!
>
> 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to
> get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
>
> 2nd wom an: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
> was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
> found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
>
> 1st woman: So, what happened?
>
> 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
> started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
> searched, and down Into the basement. Then I went through every closet and
> checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
> and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
> attack and died.
>
> 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ...............
> we'd both still be alive. !!
araw il clip ta dil link bis sound naqa gholi http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jp9BSW38bXg&feature=related#
umbad ghiduli xjidrilkom haha
Paddy Murphy the renown Irish lover gets married that evening he takes his stunning bride up to the honeymoon suite She dashes off into the bed room to prepare for Paddys nuptials, When Paddy enters the bedroom she who must be obeyed is lying spreadeagled stark naked on the bed she looks at Paddy and whispers in a low sultry voice, YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT DONT YOU PADDY, YES says Paddy All the chuffing bed by the looks of it !!!!
Tajba Gann,ili ma nara wahda bhad din!!
3 BODIES TURN UP AT A MORTUARY ALL WITH SMILES ON THEIR FACES. POLICEMAN ASKS THE CORONER , WHY ARE THEY ALL SMILING ?. THE CORONER REPLIES FIRST GUY DIED OF A HEART ATTACK AFTER HAVING FANTASTIC SEX WITH HIS WIFE. HENCE HIS SMILE. SECOND GUY WON THE LOTTERY AND SPENT THE LOT ON WHISKEY AND DIED OF ALCOHOL POISONING HENCE HIS SMILE THE THIRD GUY WAS THE UNUSUAL ONE PADDY MURPY FROM BELFAST STRUCK BY LIGHTENING!! POLICEMAN ASKS WHY THE CHUFF WAS HE SMILING CORONER REPLIES THE PILLOCK THOUGHT HE WAS HAVING HIS PHOTO TAKEN
A man was sun bathing naked, he covered his privates when he saw a little girl. He told her he was hiding a little bird,she left and he fell asleep. Later he woke up in pain and in hospital he did not know what had happened. the little girl came to visit, She told him that when he was asleep she had played with the bird but had spit at her so she had broke its neck burnt its nest, and crushed the chuffing eggs.
nice one mate ;D
A little girl asked her father:
'How did the human race appear?'
The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve;
they had children; and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered,
'Many years ago there were monkeys from
which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her father and said,
'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the
human race was created by God,
and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'
The father answered,
'Well, Dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family,
and your mother told you about hers.'
iva din nhar il gimgha trid tieghda man halli naraw hehehhehe.
Ma tarax, u min jizzarda jiftah halqu.........mux jibqa bla drink!!.............jekk ma jhalsulux lohrajn li jkunu qed joxew bid dahq
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year
School children, using a bowl of fruit Polos. He gave all the children the
Same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by
Colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
" Orange .........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify
The taste.
"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
Sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"
NEWS FLASH = OSAMS BINLADEN has been arrested whilst sexually molesting a sheep on a welsh mountain side when questioned by the local police his only reply was. Its Islam and he would do what he chuffing like with it
Tickle Me Elmo:
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
This had me crying with laughter:
A policeman stopped a prostitute on the job, she said:
"But officer, I'm not selling sex, I'm selling condoms with free demonstrations"
One for the spearos:
While following a scuba diver, one shark said to the other: "Don't bite the hard bit on his back, cause it will make you fart"
What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her drawers?? Ans = SELF EMPLOYED
Dad with his little girl in the garden when she asks, Daddy is that a Mummy longlegs underneath that daddy longlegs ?? Dad says no sweety there are no mummy longlegs only daddy long legs. Dad felt very proud of her inquisitive mind,untilshe stamps on them both saying, We will not have any of that gay shit in our garden !!!!!!
Sajjied mar jistad bid-dghajsa tijaw!! Hareg il barra u waqaflu l mutur, amlet maltempata kbira izda d-dghajsa ma kienx ghad fadlila 2 ohra biex tereq kompletament. Beda jitlob l'Alla biex jajnu u ghalhekk beda sejjer ' Alla jekk joghgbok ghajni'. Giet l-1 dghajsa u fil pront ir ragel qallu "Itla sabih ghax ha tereq" u is-sajjied qallu " Only God will help me". Addew 10 minuti u gie dingi u prova jghinu u qallu listess kliem u bl-istess risposta is sajjied rega wiegbu " Only God will help me". Id-dghajsa erqet u s sajjied miet u baqa sejjer il genna. Mhar jiltaqa m'Alla u fil pront is sajjied staqsa l'Alla " Ghalxiex ma pruvajtx tghini bambin". Qabez Alla u qallu "Int bis serjeta, batlek 2 dghajjes u qed tajd li m'ghintekx"
:) LOL Tajba din King
hahaha lOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL tajba king hahaha
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she
would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to
raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child
turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support
payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce
minalija youve been fishing din haha :P
researchers have discovered that excessive masterbation can cause DYSLEXIA. Hwoeevr tihs is o9lny in etxreem caess of slef aubse:
nice one nozthevikin
ince noe nothzveikni
Nyce wone nozhtevyken
You making me feel bad guys!!!
I thought our only hoyb was fisihng ::)
ramio u need to start exercising man.....
my wife was hinting what she would like for christmas, "something nice and shiney, goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds" so i have bought her some bathroom scales.
One day a small cat was sitting hungry by a river when a small chipalata sausage came flowing past....the cat used his paw to get the chipalata and managed to not even get it wet. The cat was happy! The next day the cat was equally as hungry when a larger sausage came flowing past in the river, the cat dipped its paw in to get the sausage and only got its paw marginally wet, the cat was happy! The next day the cat was absolutely starving when a massive frankfurt wopper came flowing past..the cat dipped his paw in to get it but fell in! However the cat retrieved the sausage and was happy. The moral or the story is.............the bigger the sausage....the wetter the pussy! :o :o :o
This year my wife proclaimed loudly that she wanted to go somewhere really exspensive for Christmas so I am taking her to the local petrol filling station !!!!!!!!
The Sheer Nightgown
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250
to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally,
he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He
presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.
Upstairs the wife think s (no dummy she), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer tha t
it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the
modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.
Nudist Colony
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On
his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander
around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the
man immediately got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him
and asked, did you call for me?' The man replied,
'No, what do you mean?' She said, 'You must be
new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you
get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling,
she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on
a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have
his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the
colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat
down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered
out of the steam room toward him. 'Did you call for
me?' asked the hairy man. 'No, what do you
mean?' replied the newcomer. 'You must be new.'
answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you
fart, it implies that you called for me.'
The huge man easily spun him around, put him over
a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office
where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist,
'May I help you?' she asked. 'Here's my
membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep
the $500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've
only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to
see all our facilities.' 'Listen lady, I'm 68
years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart
15 times a day. I'm outta here
A woman and a man were involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars were totally demolished but amazingly neither of them were hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawled out of their cars, the man was yelling - about women drivers. The woman said, 'So you're a man. That's interesting.
I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replied, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God! But, you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continued, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it and drank half the bottle, then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle and immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
The man asked, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replied, 'No, I think I'll just wait for the police.'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, smart, and can be evil bitches if you piss them off ....so don't mess with them!
A man who had been a gynaecoligist for many years and made lots of money decided to have a career change and become a motor mechanic as cars was his hobby.He enrolled on a mechanics course to get qualifications so he could open up his own business.At the end of the course was an exam with 50 points for stripping an engine down completely and another 50 points for rebuilding it.When the results came out he was amazed to find he had been awarded 150 points.He asked his examiner how could this be so.He replied "We awarded 50 points for the strip down,50 points for the rebuild and an extra 50 points for ...doing it all through the exhaust pipe"
A man goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist takes
out a needle to give the man a shot of novocain...
"No way, no needles, I can't stand needles.."
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas but the man again objects.
"No gas, please, the mask on my face is suffocating to me."
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
"No," said the patient, "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says "Here's a Viagra tablet."
The patient says "Wow, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain
pill."
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you
something to
hold on to when I pull out your tooth."
looooooool tajba
:D
Toilet cubicle
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other cubicle saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't
know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just
fine!"
And the other guy says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be
polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy
right now!!!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other cubicle
who keeps answering all my questions!!!"
At the world women's conference
The first speaker from Canada stood up.
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our
Husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband
That I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it
himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing.
But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from France stood up:
"After le conference de last year, I went home and told my husband that I
Would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it
Himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw
Nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had not only done his
Own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Bormla stood up:
"After last year conferen I wen hom an telled the hasbant
thet I dont do his cookink, clean d haws, or shoppink at Leedil
and almadonna he hef to do it himself.
D ferst day I could see nothink. D sekond day nothink.
D thert day, I could open one eye a liddle bit"
Italian Sex
The Jewish man said, " L ast week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her
body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she
screamed for five full minutes at the end!"
The Frenchman boasted, " L ast week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes!"
The Italian man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed
her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!"
The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"
The Italian man said, " I wiped my hands on the bedspread."
WY BORMLA?
A man goes to a dentist to take a tooth out. As soon as he sees the syringe he says "no way, I'm scared of that".
The dentist presents the gas mask, to which the man says " I get claustophobic if you put that on"
At this point the doctor hands out a pill to the patient. The man relieved says "This I can take no problem" On close examination of the pill he exclaimes "I didn't know Viagra was a pain Kliller"
Dentice says " It's not, it's just to give you somthing to hold on to while I pull your tooth out"
tajba Ramio ta bormla!
Hi Neville, nothing personal on Bormla, just happened to be picked up for a place in Malta. No offence.
mario
Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Irraguna qabel titkellem!!
Darba kien hemm salesman tal-hoovers, habbat il-bieb
ta' wahda mara, u
kif fethet il-bieb lanqas taha cans tiftah halqa li ma
bediex ilablab.
Qalilha:
'Sinjura illum ha nurik x'kapaci taghmel din
il-hoover.M'hemmx hmieg li ma tnaddafx!'
Fil-pront qabad barmil mimli trab u hmieg u
zvojtjah fuq it-tapit. Il-mara nhasdet, imma fil-pront
qalilha:
'Tinkwieta xejn, ghax din l-ahhar teknologija u
nassigurak li jekk ma
tnaddafx kollox,naqbad u niekol li jkun jifdal jien. '
Fil-pront saqsietu:
'Xi ngiblek ghal mieghu, Ketchup jew mustarda? Ghax
illum bla dawl siehbi!!'
Jesus at the bar!
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in.
With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked
for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked towards the end of the bar and said,
"Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a Maltese, who swaggered into the bar and yelled,
"Orrite Brudder, aghmilli pinta lager. Dak mhux it-tifel tal-mastrudaxxa?" The barkeeper nodded, so the Maltese told him to give Jesus a lager too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked towards the Maltese, but the Maltese jumped back and exclaimed:"Ara tmissni!! Ghandi cans nohrog board u jekk tmissni tfottini!!"
lol bomba din big boy
Kien hemm job opening ghal mal FBI fuq it times, u kif timmaginaw hafna nies applikaw, l'applikazzjonijiet marru ghand il human resources u din qacctet xi 1400 mitt ruh min din il lista, marret ghand ic chief b'lahjar 3.
Ic chief ghamel appuntament ma dawn it tlieta, iltaqaw kolla go kamra zghira u dan qabad lil lewwel wiehed u hadu miju barra go bitha kbira, go din il bitha kien hemm container tal 20, ipponta subajh lejh u qallu, " aqbad dan is shotgun, mur go dak il container, hemm il mara tijek marbuta fuq siggu u sparala. L'ewwel wiehed hasiba ftit u wara 2 minuti qabad jibki u qallu " irridu hafna dan il job imma mhux ha noqtol il marti ghalieh", ic chief irrisponda
"jiddispjacini imma ma tghodx ghalina, irrid inkun cert li tghamel dak li nghidlek hi xhini ic cirkostanza"
Dahal it tieni wiehed u talbu jghamel listess haga, dan dahal gol container u wara 5 minuti instema hafna biki u hareg lura ma martu u qallu, " sorry sir imma mhinix lest noqtol lil marti" ic chief qallu, " ma jimpurtax imma ma tghodx ghalina"
Dahal it tielet wiehed u talbu jghamel listess haga, dan qabad is shotgun fhinu u dahal gol container b'certu determinazzjoni, wara 2 secondi instemaw 6 tiri infila, 5 secondi silenzju imbad hafna dghaaaa ikrah u tisbit go da l'ost** container, wara zewg minuti hareg dar ragel bis shotgun fhidu mimmli demm, mar fejn ic chief tah is shotgun f'hidu u qallu " Iccekjah naqra das senter ghax ma nahsibx li tajjeb, tajta sitt tiri ghaz zo**, xeba siggu kelli intija biex qtilta.
lol freeman bomba din ukoll. wahda ahjar min ohra gejjin dan lahhar haha
A woman goes into a shop to buy a rod and reel as a gift
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter where there's a shop assistant wearing dark shades. "Excuse me sir" she says "can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
The assistant replies "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's only ?20.00".
The lady said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The assistant rings up the sale and says, "That will be ?25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was ?20.00?"
"Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is ?20.00, but the duck call is ?3.00, and the catfish stink bait is ?2.50."
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. After makind love, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called." she says speaking in a cheery voice.
"Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. that sounds terrific...
Great!...
Thanks...
Okay...
Bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
(I hope no one in the forum makes up that excuse Hmmmmmm)
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...
who lives with a female roommate Maria...
During the course of the meal, his mother couldnt help but notice how pretty Anthonys roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two,and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his moms thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, Ive been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You dont suppose she took it, do you?"
Well, I doubt it, but Ill e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote;
Dear Momma,
Im not saying that you did take the sugar bowl from my
house, and Im not saying that you did not take it. But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response e-mail from
his Momma which read.......
Dear Son,
Im not saying that you do sleep with Maria, and Im not
saying that you do not sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar
bowl by now.
Love,
Momma.
Lesson: Never lie to your momma
Gurnata qabel ir-referendum ghall-Ewropa, Toni dar fuq Mary u qalla " Mer, ara li tivvota IVA ghax jekk nidhlu fl-unjoni nsiru nies."
"Halli f'idi Ton." Nsomma, ir-referendum ghadda, dhalna fl-unjoni u Toni mar xtara zewg containers, mela wiehed bis-saqqijiet u l-iehor bil-qliezet ta' taht tan-nisa.
"Mer, jien ghall-Italja, ha mmur inbigh dawn iz-zewg containers. Narak 4 gimghat ohra."
Nsomma, ghaddew l-erba gimghat u Toni wasal lura b'dahqa minn widna sa widna...."X'ghidtlek Mer, bihhejt kollox u f'erba gimghat qlajt LM1000."
"Mela qlajt ghalqa wkoll! Jien f'erba gimghat, b'saqqu wiehed u bla qalziet ta' taht qlajt LM3000."
expensive Mary bigboy
Malti trid tkun......
Malti midneb li kien għadu kemm miet, mar awtomatikament l-infern. Hekk kif ġie quddiem ix-xitan, ix-xitan baqa' impressjonat malli ra l-kondotta tal-Malti. Ix-xitan qallu :
'Int ħaqqek premju mingħandi ta' kemm kont raġel ħażin f'ħajtek'
Hekk kif sema' hekk il-Malti ħa pjaċir u minnufih staqsih x'kien ser ikun il-premju tiegħu. Ix-xitan kompla:
'Bħala premju ħa nħalli lilek tagħżel f'liema żona ta' l-infern ħa tqatta' l-eternita fit-tbatija'
Il-Malti xejn ma għoġbitu din il-biċċa xoghol imma irraġuna li aħjar din l-offerta milli xejn.
Ix-xitan ħa lill-Malti f'sala kbira li kien fiha tliet bibien, u qallu:
'Dawn huma it-tliet żoni ta' l-infern fejn il-midimbin jiġu maħqura u ittorturati għal dejjem. Int tista tagħżel waħda li trid minnhom'.
Il-Malti resaq bil-mod lejn l-ewwel bieb li kien miżbugħ iswed. Imwaħħla mal-bieb kien hemm lista tat-torturi li jingħataw ġewwa din iż-żona.
Il-lista kienet tghid hekk:
6.00am-11.59am Xebgħa frosta fuq dahrek
12.00pm-5.59pm Torturi varji bix-xokkijiet
6.00pm-5.59am Isalbuk rasek 'l isfel
Malli ra l-lista u sema' t-twerżieq li beda ġej minn ġewwa din il-kamra, l-Malti ħaseb li aħjar imur jara x'joffru t-tnejn l-oħra. U mar quddiem it-tieni bieb li kien miżbugħ lewn id-deheb. Imwaħħla mal-bieb kien hemm lista tat-torturi li jingħataw ġewwa din iż-żona. Il-
lista kienet tgħid hekk:
6.00am-11.59am Jisomtuk bil-misħun jagħli
12.00pm-5.59pm Isallbuk rasek 'l isfel
6.00pm-5.59am Xebgħa injama bl-imsiemer imsaddin
Malli ra l-lista u sema' t-twerżieq li beda ġej minn ġewwa din il-kamra ukoll il-Malti ħaseb li aħjar jieħu ċans u jmur jara x'toffri l-aħħar kamra.
U mar quddiem it-tielet bieb li kien miżbugħ nofsu blu u nofsu aħmar. Imwaħħla mal-bieb kien hemm lista tat-torturi li jingħataw ġewwa din l-aħħar żona. Il-lista kienet tgħid hekk:
6.00am-11.59am Torturi varji bix-xokkijiet
12.00pm-5.59pm Jisomtuk bil-misħun jagħli
6.00pm-5.59am Jgħaddu minn fuqek bir-romblu tat-tarmak
Il-Malti qal din agħar mill-oħrajn għax jekk ma jhanxrukx bl-ewwel tnejn, bl-aħħar waħda żgur jagħmluk pulpetti. Imma nnota wkoll li minn ġewwa din il-kamra ma bediex ġej għajjat bħat-tnejn l-oħra. U din il-ħaġa għamlietlu kuraġġ. U qal lix-xitan li hu iddecida li jmur f'din il-kamra.
U hekk sar. Ix-xitan fetaħlu l-bieb u hu daħal ġewwa. Hekk kif sab ruħu ġewwa, il-Malti baqa' imbellah malli beda jara n-nies: min miexi għall-kwiet, min jitkellem, min relaxed jieħu te'.
Mar fuq l-ewwel raġel li għadda minn ħdejh u staqsieh:
'Hawn x'qed jiġri?'
Dan-ir-raġel kien Malti wkoll u qallu:
'Ha ngħidlek xbin, hawnekk kullħadd Malti u kollox immexxi minn awtoritajiet Maltin għalhekk ma nbatux' u l-ieħor staqsieh:
'U t-torturi ma jsirux?'
Il-Malti l-ieħor komplielu:
'Ma tarax jew......Torturi varji bix-xokkijiet ma jagħtukx għax id-dawl iżjed maqtugħ milli jaħdem, jisomtuk bil-misħun jagħli ma jistgħux għax rari jkollna l-ilma fil-vit, u jgħaddu minn fuqek bir-romblu tat-tarmak ma jistgħux għax ix-xufier tar-romblu jaħdem mal-gvern u fit-tmienja jiffirma u jitlaq.'
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
**************************************
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
******************************************
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
******************************************
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?!'
******************************************
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.
Mundinu:
Nothing personal, but I had to remove the last joke you posted. This forum is visited by the local fishing community and also many foreigners. While classified as a joke, we cannot allow race, colour or creed to be the the subject for a laugh. What might seem amusing to some, might be offensive to others.
Joe Baldacchino (The Gaffer)
Senior Moderator.
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend,
who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
'Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt,' the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, 'Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?'
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will
be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe
this is a good omen so he says, 'Sure,' and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again,
'Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.'
The same stranger is at his side again and whispers,
'Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?'
Shrugging, the golfer replies, Okay.' And he makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another
eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, 'Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?'
'Definitely,' the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says,'I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.'
'Nice to meet you,' the golfer replies,
'I'm Father Bernard.'
No problem mate. Its just that the forum is moving ahead, and gaining a lot of popularity both locally and overseas, and we can't allow material which might be deemed offensive.
Sunday Morning Sex
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday
morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and
even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be
alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along'.
A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
LoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooL Tajba din !! ;D
ITALIAN Mafia PHILOSOPHY!!!
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed!
'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.'
'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?'
'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos'
'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to your watch and say 'Times up'?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Paddy asks Murphy why do Skuba divers fall off their boats backwards? Murphy replies, you thick wassock Paddy if they fell forwards they would still be on the chuffing BOAT
Quote from: mundinu on February 17, 2009, 17:55:01 CET
A Flat Stomach
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him..
The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.'
'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'
Why I fired my Secretary.
Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"
I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turnedto me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'mgoing to step into the bedroom
forjust a moment.
I'll beright back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
anddozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
Golfing with your Wife
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one
of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
cow's fanny.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks
like yours!''
'I don't remember much after that'
Good jokes guys I really enjoy reading them !!!! keep them coming!!!
good one ramio :D
hahah mundinu, soo true and predictible ;D
One day Donald Duck takes Daisey Duck for a dirty weekend in Malta That night at the hotel Donald rings down to reception and asks for a three pack of condoms. To which the receptionist, replies would you like them on your bill Mister DUCK. tO WHICH Donald says dont be chuffing stupid Id suffocate
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200
in about 3 seconds.
'I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started...
hahaha good ones ....
My wife just told me that if I go fishing one more time she is going to leave me......
I'm sure going to miss her ;D
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.*
*They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's Place.
*A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and*
*then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and*
*washes his hands again.*
*The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."*
*The guy, surprised, says* how did you know?
*"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your* hands."*
*One thing led to another and they make love.*
*After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."*
*The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"*
*"Didn't feel a thing!" she replied !!
;D ;D ;D
bomba dik ;D :D ;D
Dave came home from the pub late on Friday evening stinking
Drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
Already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
Found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
You?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
To live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
To send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
House, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
Around, pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
Welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'
'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
Inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
Laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
Out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
And his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
For the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
And he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
Ever happened to him . . .. Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
Felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
Shouting...
'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'
Husband and wife are in the bedroom, getting ready for bed. The wife is sitting at her dresser, when she remarks to her husband;;;"John, have you noticed my breasts lately, they're sagging and don't stand up like they used to". "do you think I should bet a boob job, like sort of make them bigger?". John, looking up from his paper, sighs..."Rub them with toilet paper, three times a day". The wife, bewildered, says..."What do you mean rub them with toilet paper?"....John, quick on the que says..."Well, its worked wonders on your ass!!!!!!! :-\
**********************************************************
Three frogs die and go to meet their Maker. The 1st frog arrives at the golden gates, and St. Peter asks, "Well, what have you been upto all your life?"...the 1st frog replies, "Well my Lord, you know how it is with us frogs, just in and out of puddles". St. Peter opens the gates and lets him in. 2nd frog arrives at the golden gates and St. Peter asks, "Well, what have you been upto all your life?"...the 2nd frog replies, "Well my Lord, you know how it is with us frogs, just in and out of puddles". again, St. Peter opens the gates and lets him in.
3rd frog arrives at the golden gates, and St. Peter asks' And you, what's your name?"...the 3rd frog replies...."Oh, I'm Puddles!!!!!" ;D
An elderly man shuffles into a chemist and asks for Viagra.
'No problem,'says the pharmacist. 'How much do you want?'
'Just four,' replies the old man.'But you cut them into tiny pieces? I'm not interested in sex. I just want to be able to piss without hitting my slippers.'
Compliments of Visa:
Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her pr ogress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, r ipped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terr ible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'
Ragel anzjan taljan kien jghix wahdu f'razzett. Ried jaghzaq l-ghalqa biex jizra' fiha t-tadam. Imma ghalih din kienet bicca xoghol iebsa hafna, u biex taghqad, il-hamrija kienet iebsa.
L-uniku tifel li kellu, Vincent, li s-soltu kien jghinu, issa kien il-habs.. Ir-ragel anzjan, kiteb din l-ittra lil ibnu.
Ghaziz ibni Vincent, Kemm ninsab imdejjaq, billi din is-sena minix se nizra t-tadam bhas-soltu. Issa qed nixjieh, u ma niflahx naghzaq il-gnien wahdi. Kieku
int kont hawn, zgur kont taghmlu int bhas-soltu. Inhobbok hafna.
Missierek.
Ftit jiem wara, l-anzjan jircievi ittra minghand ibnu.
Ghaziz papa,
Ahjar ma taghzqu xejn dak il-gnien! Ghax biex nghidlek, il-katavri kont dfinthom go fih. Inhobbok hafna. Ibnek Vincent.
Fl-4 ta' filghodu tal-gurnata ta' wara, agenti ta' l-FBI u pulizija lokali gew, iccirkondaw il-gnien, u b'hafna ghodda qallbu l-hamrija
kollha tal-gnien, bla ma sabu xejn. Huma skuzaw ruhhom mal-anzjan, u telqu.
Dakinhar stess, l-anzjan jircievi ittra ohra minghand ibnu Vincent.
Ghaziz papa,
Issa tista' tizra' tadam kemm trid. Il-gnien maghzuq u lest. Dak kollu li stajt naghmel minn hawn. Inhobbok hafna.. Ibnek Vincent.
Mundinu, prosit man, great joke!!!!!
lool
tajba..
> A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many
> books on the subject, and
> finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made
> for the
> ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to
> make a circular
> cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky,
a voice
> boomed................
> "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
>
>
> Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a
> thermos of
> cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from
> the heavens the
> voice bellowed............. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER
> THE ICE!"
>
>
> The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the
> opposite end of the
> ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to saw
> through the ice.
>
>
>
> "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped,
> looked skyward and said, "IS
> THAT YOU LORD?"
>
>
>
>
> The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE
> HOCKEY RINK!"
> Have a Grand day
hahah loooool tajba ta... viva il papa haha ( proset joe haha)
The burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around,
looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued..
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear
as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you
that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Susan Wong marries Lee Wong, The next year the wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely bouncy healthy but Definately CAUCASION WHITE baby boy!!!! Congratulations, says the nurseto the new parents, Well Mr Wong What will you and Mrs Wong name this baby?. The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, Well two Wongs dont make a white, So I think we will name him.................... ARE YOU READY FOR THIS......................SUM TING WONG
lool gd one vikinggg
NO SEX SINCE 1955
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Don't ya love military time?!
Did you know that Eagles mate for life?
Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is ....
'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate.
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.
This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....
(scroll down)
NO, The duck didn't say THAT
..... Don't be SO disgusting!
The duck said....
'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!
young lad comes home from school and says to his dad what are condoms ? Dad says they are what responsible men use to practice safe sex. and then takes the youngster to the local chemist to show him, at the chemist the youngster picks up a pack of three and says wow why three Dad to which dad replies ohh thats for youngsters one for friday night, one for saterday night, and one for sunday night. GEE the young lad says and picks up a six pack, Well who are these for then dad? he replies OHH they are for more exsperianced lovers 2 for friday 2 for saterday and 2 for sunday.BLIMY DAD WELL WHO ARE THESE FOR holding up a twelve pack. ohh dad says those are for married men , one for january one for february one for march etc etc etc
tal kuragg din ee haha najs mundinu ;)
Please translate to english so we can have a laugh too. thank you!!!!!!!!!!
good one mundinu loooolll.....
Why .....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Why ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why . ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair,
But darkens our skin ?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why? Good question..
whats got hair on the outside is wet on the inside, starts with C and ends with a T and got a N and a U in between ??
scroll down
keep going
is your dirty mind working
OK its a COCONUT
Darba kien hemm ragel jismu Ganni mill-Mellieha u kien
twajjeb hafna. Quddies ma jfalli qatt. Dejjem ifahhar lil Mulej.
Jaghmel karita'. Jghin il-proxxmu. Insomma kien qaddis jimxi
fl-art. U l-Mulej innota l-hajja qaddisa ta' Ganni. U ried
jippremjah. Ghalhekk ghodwa wahda l-Mulej tkellem u qallu.
'Ganni....Ganni'
'Xi trid Mulej?'
Mhux xi rrid. Bil-kontra Gann. Ghidli xi trid inti. Innutajt
il-hajja qaddisa tieghek u illum rrid naghtik rigal. Ghidli xi
trid u jien naqtaghlek xewqtek.'
U Ganni beda jahseb u qal,
'Iva Mulej. Inti taf li jien
noqghod il-Mellieha u nahdem
Birzebbugia. Taf kemm ghandi boghod ghax-xoghol. Nixtieqek
taghmilli triq dritta, minghajr kantunieri, minghajr side
streets, minghajr traffic lights, triq dritta mill-Mellieha sa
Birzebbugia biex nasal ghax-xoghol malajr u minghajr inkwiet
ta' xejn.'
'Ganni. Ganni. Iddizappuntajtni. Ma hsibtx li ser titlob
affarijiet materjali. Taf li kieku rrid kapaci naghmilha t-triq
jien. Imma hsibt kemm ser naghmel hsara lill-ambjent. Kemm ser
nghaddi minn go ghelieqi u gonna biex naghmillek din it-triq
ghall-uzu personali tieghek.Gann ma xtaqtekx tkun egoist
fix-xewqa tieghek. Mhux ahjar tahseb f'xi haga ohra?'
U Ganni rega' beda jahseb. 'Iva Mulej mela. Ghinni u
iftahli
mohhi biex nibda nifhem in-nisa. Ghinni halli naghmilhom
kuntenti. Ghinni nifhem kif jahsbuha. Ghinni nifhem il-harsa
taghhom,is-skiet taghhom.Ghinni nifhem ghaliex jibku u jekk
ikunux qed jibku ta' veru.Ghinni Mulej.'
'Isma Gann. Rigward dik it-triq li ridt, kif tahseb li l-ahjar
naghmluha - Two lanes jew four lanes?
Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM?'I've got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
SCREW THOSE SHRINKS?GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!
Awesome m8 !!! bloody brilliant lol
I know, had me crying in stiches!!
hi ramio.. nice joke..dont no how to us this site properly yet. but anyway. i live in the uk and was in malt all last week hada fantastic week stayed in buggiba lovely place good food and frendly people''went for the squid fishing up on the pier were you catch the ferry for gozo..and got one i was well pleased...hired a jeep for the week{them roads bumby or what} anyway will be back for 2weeks sept for the lampuki .....i hope fantastic place... love malta .....cheeres chow
roads are bumpy?? good thing u didnt hire a motorbike...... but still u posted in the right thread.. they are a joke... a "eu standard" joke
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL best joke ever fish-noob
The automobile driving manual says the average driver's
reaction time is: .75 seconds....... or 1 car length for every 10 mph......
Test your average reaction time..
Be very careful this can be addicting. Click on the link below and good luck.
Reaction Test:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf
@ robby017. It's very addictive!! I spent a good 20 minutes playing it and the best score i got was 0.15257. I will keep on trying till i get to the turbo-cheetah level!
enjoy
Your not kidding when you say that this is addictive, NOW All the geriatrics in our old peoples home are running round throwwing darts at the local farmers sheep just to get some practice in thanks to you !!!!!!!!
Five surgeons from Canadian cities are discussing who makes
the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from Calgary , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second, from Winnipeg , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon, from Vancouver , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'
The fourth surgeon, from Montreal chimes in, 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you
have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from St John's , Newfoundland shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
An ostrich was crossing the road and got her foot stuck in a grateing and she couldn,t pull it out.A brand new Jaguar car pulled up and seeing that the ostrich was stuck the driver told the ostrich to hold on to the bumper with her beak and wings and he would pull her out,but try as he would he could,nt pull her out so he drove off leaving the ostrich stuck.Then a brand new Ferrari stopped and he tried the same thing but he couldn,t pull her out either.Next along was a brand new Porche he tried as well but he could,nt pull her out either.The next one who came along was an old farmer with a donkey and cart and seeing that the ostrich was still stuck with her foot in the grateing told the ostrich to hang onto the donkey,s dick with her beak,so thats what the ostrich did.The farmer then lead the donkey up the road and out popped the ostrich,s foot.The morale of the story is you don,t need a flash car to pull a bird, all you need is a dick like a donkey.
A man is having dinner in a resturaunt, & sees a gorgeous redhead sat at the next table, suddenly she sneezes loudly, & her glass eye bounces off his table & he catches it in mid air, & returns it to her discreetly.
"Let me pay for your meal in return" she says, so he joins her at her table & they begin chatting, she says she is going to the theatre & has a spare ticket if he would care to join her, so he does.
After the play she invites him back for a nightcap, & one thing leads to another & he has the best sex of his life. As he is leaving the next morning he asks if she does the same with all the men she meets, & she said that she didn't, so he asked her what was so different about him? she said "You just happened to catch my eye".
Young couple decide its time for geriatric dad to go into old peoples home. so they take him to the local old peoples home for a visit. Once at the home the matron offers to show the young couple round whilst Dad has a sit down, while they are away Dad starts to lean precariously to the right,just then a nurse runs up and puts a pillow down the right hand side of him straighten him up. After a while the same thing happens but to the left, Once again a young nurse rushes up with another pillow for the left side, once again straighening him up.ten minutes later he starts to lean forward, once again a nurse pulls him back and ties him into the chair with a towel Just then his family returns and asks him What do you think of this place Dad ? nice enough he says, but just one thing THEY WONT LET YOU FART IN HERE
why dont women fart as much as men ?????
Because they dont stop talking long enough to build up any pressure !!!!!!
QuoteBe very careful this can be addicting. Click on the link below and good luck.
Reaction Test:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf
This is driving me nuts! good one robby17 8) this will kill a few hrs at work heheh ;D
I managged rocketing rabbit xD.
me too trying for turbo charged cheetah but its f*** impossible Grrrr!
QuoteThis is driving me nuts! good one robby17 this will kill a few hrs at work heheh
don't forget to turn down the sound... i nearly got caught once ... lol
Right! shame it dosen't have a "boss" key on it!!!!
would be cooler if you could switch into boss mode and dart your boss..... hmmm wishful thinking ::)
THE VIBRATOR
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
Old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone .'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law.
Lol about "robby's game". I managed to get to the turbo-cheetah level!!!
Btw.. forgot to tell you. I pressed a dart at random and the sheep was about to go out so one of the sheep was fired in 0.0001 second. Was lucky a lot:)
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds Like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road Hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn?t on!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and?.wasn?t drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other. ?Look Paddy?..there?s that f ..king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!?
you made my day sajjiedf2, Brilliant!!
A Scandinavian man checked into a hotel in Malta last August. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile... Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 23 July 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!
From ,,
Your Loving Husband
P.S. - Wear something light.......... Its very hot down here!!!!!
Once a boy went to a shop with his mother.
The shop keeper looked at the small cute child and showed him a bottle with sweets and said
'Dear Child..u can take the sweets...
But the child didnt take.
The shop keeper was surprised.. such a small child he is and why is he not taking the sweets from the bottle.
Again he said take the sweets....
Now the mother also heard that and said.. take the sweets dear..
Yet he didnt take...
The shopkeeper seeing the child not taking the sweets... he himself took the sweets and gave to the child.
The child was happy to get two hands full of sweets.
While returning home the Mother asked the child...
Why didnt you take the sweets, when the shop keeper told you to take?..
Can you guess the response:
Child replies... Mom! my hands are very small and if i take the sweets i can only take few.. but now you see when uncle gave with his big hands.... how many more sweets i got!
mmmm...sign of the times.....
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,
'How much for one of those Barbie's in thedisplay window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do youmean, sir?
We have:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95
and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95.'
The amazed father asks: 'It 's what?!
Why isthe Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only$19..95?' The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken'sHouse, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken'sComputer, one of Ken's Friends, and a keychain made with Ken's balls."
DID I READ THE SIGNS RIGHT? ??? ??? ???
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW ???
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT ;)
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS :-\
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN ::)
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD ???
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? ;D
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS :-\
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR ???
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR :o
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE , BUT THE BULL CHARGES. :o
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) ::) ???
another one for when you're bored.... at work.... ;D
http://www.bassfiles.net/parachute.swf
Had to share this!!! its NUTS!!!
Imagine walking in the countryside & coming across this lot!!! You'd probably end up heading top speed for the opticians or a psychiatrist LOL!! ;D :D
check it out!
http://wimp.com/sheeplight/
very, very good. ;D ;D ;D
Interesting ECONOMICS lesson:
It is August. In a small town on the South Coast of France, holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening. Everyone is heavily in debt.
Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor. The hotel owner takes the banknote in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes ?100. The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt. The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay ?100 for pigs he purchased some time ago. The farmer triumphantly gives the ?100 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit. The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she was owing the hotel for her hourly room used to entertain clients. At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his ?100 back and departs.
There was no profit or income.
But everyone no longer has any debt and the small townspeople look optimistically towards their future.
COULD THIS BE THE SOLUTION TO The Global Financial Crisis?
So what your saying is the Eu is the rich guy, malta is the hotel, the goverment is the meat supplier, the farmers are the companys and that would leave us to be ....................................the f**kin prostitues mate, I'm not sure I wanna be a part of that.
Correction Robby017, thats how the Global economic crisis started in the 1st place :-\
that shows what is the real value of money, nothing, it is just our perception that values money
resources, i.e both the services and physical resources are the real value
money is just a mean or"coupon" of exchange
Skip walked into the VRFCC looking very lost and walked up to the reception window....
The woman behind the glass was in her early forties and said 'Yes may I help you?'
Skip replied: "I'm here to apply for the Bluefin"
The woman looking at him with a very puzzled expression said....."I don't think you're in the right place......!!"
Yes, yes said Skip pointing at his piece of paper....it's says Civil Abbatoir, Albert Town, Marsa....the Bluefin! , with a friendly smile.
Hmmmm said the receptionist I don't think you're in the right place but if you like, go up to the first floor, tun left and through the glass door and ask up there.
Skip proceeded as instructed, registered his interest in Bluefin Tuna fishing and as he was walking down the stairs thought he'd inform the receptionist that it was in fact the correct place.
As he approached the window he noticed her on the phone so he patiently waited and when she hung up he said: "Just to let you know it was the right place, just in case more people come".
The receptionist continued to look at him with a puzzled face, but thanked Skip for the information.
Skip was happy and told his colleagues that he'd successfully gone to apply for the Bluefin........he didn't have a chance to finish when his colleague said: "WHAT!!! You went to apply for a Blue Film????!!!!"
Skip went bright red when it suddenly dawned on him that Bluefin sounds alot like Blue Film, especially given how he has a habit of mumbling words and at no time did he say: "Bluefin Tuna Expression of Interest!!!"
As he replayed the incident in his mind, it all started to make a bit of sense........no wonder the receptionist kept insisting he was in the wrong place!!
lol...... tajba din
Good one skip...so now you're in the pornstar industry as well!!!!....
In her eyes yep!!
;D you go skip.......... :-* ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
immagine her face when hearing that
Well, technically, he was in the 'right place'... As the offices are located in Albert Town.... all he had to do was wait till after sunset......... LOL
Cowboy in the Pharmacy
A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male
Pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the
Pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the
Store, there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help the gentlemen.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more
Comfortable discussing this with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional
And whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident
That she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, 'this is tough for me
To discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of
Problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could
Give me for it.'
The pharmacist s aid, 'Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.'
When she returned, she said, 'We discussed it at length and the absolute
Best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000
A month, plus living expenses.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse.
"I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers.
Revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen.
Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
..."It's swollen," Fred replied.
She ran out of the room..
LOL tajba mundinu! :D
DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... :'(
'I would have been released today.' :'(
;D
A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for
your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. 'I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
For all those over 40 and feel a bit down ;D
enjoy ;D :D ;D
http://www.igc.be/igc/dearpenis.htm
Rodney Carrington dak.... tal genn dak l-artist.... check out 'Show them to me' on youtube.... lol
jekk jogbukhom dawk t tip ta artisti ficcu stephen lynch fuq il youtube... music comedian iehor dan al nies mux serji :P :P
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem
with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and
are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since
I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they
don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and
come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor,"
she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...
although still silent... stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that
we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Quote from: Granitu on May 16, 2009, 19:51:18 CET
jekk jogbukhom dawk t tip ta artisti ficcu stephen lynch fuq il youtube... music comedian iehor dan al nies mux serji :P :P
Jew iehor tajjeb hafna "Kevin Bloody Wilson" ;) ;D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5b65Zf6r-RE
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT ::)
(This one is too funny to not forward.)
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed
to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that
'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground..'
She calmly turned her head and said,
'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, B***h' :o
A young blonde woman in Valletta was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the
Upper Barrakka lift.
She went down to the railing and was about to leap into the abbys when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge crying her eyes out.
He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. "After all, what do I have to lose?" Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor took her for a ride in his hired car, put her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away" she explained "I get food and free passage to Europe , and he's screwing me."
''He certainly is love," the captain said. "This is the Gozo Ferry."
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents
knew all about it.
If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would
speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, and the
older boy was to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is,
son?'
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?'
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's
face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closest, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?'
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time,' (I just LOVE reading this next line
again and again:)
'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her;
'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.
Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Ma ma, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'
'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'
Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'
An African, an Arab and Norman Lowell are drinking at a bar. The African drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Africa our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Sahara we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.'
Norman Lowell, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the
African and the Arab, and catches his glass. He says, 'In Malta we have so many illegal Africans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice!'
lol tajba ta veru din kevin g
Dating in 1964
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1964 and Fred had
a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred
in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to
drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat
at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.
"Oh, yes!" the mother continued.. "When she goes out with her
friends, that's all they do!"
"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous. "Yes," said the mother..
"As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about
alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as
a picture wearing a pink blouse and hoop skirt, and with her hair tied
back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into
the house and slammed the front door behind her.
"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the
kitchen.
"The goddamned dance is called the Twist!"
good one
:) hehehe
;D ;D ;D
Broken Fence at No. 10 Downing Street
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the No. 10. Downing street
One is an English worker , another is a scottish worker , and the third is an Indian worker .
All three go with a No.10 official to examine the fence.
The English contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run to about ?500:- ?200 for materials, ?200 for my crew and ?100 profit for me."
The Scottish contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for ?600: ?250 for materials, ?250 for my crew and ?100 profit for me."
The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the No. 10 official and whispers, "?1500."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Indian contractor whispers back, "?500 for me, ?500 for you, and we hire the English contractor to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
Are you sure that this happened in UK and not in MALTA
Issa ma nafx.... ma rridx inqajjem polemiki :-X
When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle
was devastated.
A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle
anxiously looked for Joe.
Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.
She ran towards him, calling his name: "Joe. Darling...Joe"
Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't 'darling' me. The deal
was very clear"..."Until death do us part".
Wiehed ragel mar jaghmel ic-check-in f'lukanda.
B'ghageb kbir tieghu meta dahal fil-kamra sab kompjuter U ghalhekk iddecieda li jibghat e mail lill-mara.
Izda bi zball, l-indirizz ta' l-email kitbu hazin, U bla ma ttenda bl-izball li ha, baghat l-e mail, Minghalih lill-mara tieghu.
Sadanittant, x'imkien iehor fid-dinja, wahda armla Kienet ghadha gejja mill-funeral tal-ghaziz zewgha.
U wara li telqu n-nies, iddecidiet li tixghel il-kompjuter u Ticcekkja l-e mails billi kienet qed tistenna kwantita' ta' messaggi Minghand qraba u hbieb.
Wara li qrat l-ewwel wahda, hassha hazin.
Binha dahal jigri hdejha u hares lejn il-kompjuter.
Fuq l-iscreen kien hemm dan li gej:
To: L-ghaziza marti
Subject: Jiena wasalt!
Text: Naf li tinsab sorpriza hafna li qed tircievi din l-e mail minghandi!
Issa hawnhekk ghandhom il-kompjuters ukoll u jhalluk tibghat xi e mails Lil tal-familja. Jiena milnix li wasalt u ghadni kemm ghamilt ic-check-in!
Qed nara li kollox hawn ghal-lest, ghall-wasla tieghek ghada filghodu!
Ghalhekk igri narak!
Jalla jkollok vjagg tajjeb bhalma kelli jien.
Izda hej, hawn isfel hawn wisq shana!
Inselli ghalik?
illlallllaaa man.... tal gen!!
MAGIC SANDALS
a married couple on holiday in jamaica, were touring around a market place looking at the goods on display, when they came across a small shop selling sandals,from inside they heard the shopkeeper say, "you foreigners!, come into my humble shop".
so the couple went in, the shopkeeper said to the husband, "i have some magic sandals, dey make you wild at sex", the wife was very interested, but the husband being the sex god he thought he was, said he didnt need them, but the shopkeeper said "just try dem on man".
so after some badgering from his wife, he slipped them on, and straight away got a wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadnt seen for a long while, in the blink of an eye the husband grabbed the shopkeeper bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped his own pants off and grabbed the shopkeeper by his thighs, the shopkeeper started shouting, "you got dem on da wrong feet".
CAN I BUY SOME OF THOSE SANDALS BY MAIL ORDER , IF SO WHERE IN JAMAKA MAN, PLEASEEEE
there is a long queue noz, ;D ;D ;D ;D
The Wife says you had better put me at the front of the chuffing queue cos my carpet slippers are just not working
nice one. ;D ;D ;D
;D minalla hawn il jokes tread ;D
hahaaaaaaa tajba mundinu man!!
History of Telecommunication
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Italian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Italian's, in the weeks that followed, a Chinese archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the China Daily read: 'Chinese archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded
their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Italian's.'
One week later a local Maltese newspaper reported the following:
After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Mgarr , in the North of Malta, Zeppi, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Zeppi has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Malta had already gone wireless.
LOL GOOD ONE ;D
Mr Borg comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue.
I think we're going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs Borg receives a telephone call from Enemalta Corporation (Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid
"Am I speaking to Mrs Borg?"
"Yes...... speaking"
Enemalta guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Enemalta guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files...... HOW????? "
"Yes ............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue"
?GOD!!!!!......... This is too much.........."
Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that ....... let me talk to my husband about this tonight.....he will speak to your company tomorrow"
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Enemalta office in Marsa the next morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Enemalta, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
:D Good one. Keep them coming these jokes
LIE DETECTOR!
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,
their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late..
'Where have you been?
Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John,
'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up,
sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied..
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John.
'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John
and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!'
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha
and knocked her out of her chair. :o
;D ;D
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL hahahaha never saw that coming,,, tajba mundinu
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now....... Tell him you have a headache.
Forwarded as received
Friday Reflections:
Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven! But so are thunder and lightning!
**********
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.
**********
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
**********
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
**********
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of the car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
**********
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one!
**********
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
**********
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is charming, pretty, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
**********
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives are starting to treat husbands like toxic waste.
**********
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
lool
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'
Mrs. McGervey was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O'Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. McGervey and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. McGervey, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.
>>
>>
>> Darba wahda tifla staqsiet lil missierha: "In-nies kif gew fid-dinja?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Missierha wegibha: "Alla halaq lil Adam u Eva u dawn kellhom it-tfal.
>> B'hekk gew l-ewwel nies fid-dinja."
>>
>>
>>
>> Jumejn wara t-tifla staqsiet l-istess mistoqsija lil ommha. Din wegbitha:
>> "Hafna u hafna snin ilu kien hemm biss xadini. Minn hemm gew l-ewwel
>> nies fid-dinja."
>>
>>
>>
>> It-tifla thawdet. Marret ghand missieha u qaltlu: "Dan kif inti ghidtli
>> li n-nies halaqhom Alla u l-mummy qaltli li gew mix-xadini?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Missierha wegibha: "Semplici binti. Jien ghidtlek fuq il-familja tieghi,
>> u ommok qaltlek dwar il-familja taghha."
PLEASE TRANSLATE SO US NUMPTYS CAN HAVE A LAUGH AS WELL, THANK YOU
@ noztheviking Translation to joke by kevin G
One day a small girl asked her father how the human were created and inhabited the earth
Her father explained that god created adam and eve and they had children. Thats how the human race started on earth. Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question and she replied that long time ago there were monkeys and humans evoled from there. The young girl became confused and went back to her father and said. Howcome you said that humans where created from god and mummy said they came from monkeys.
Her father smiled and said its simple my dear. I told you about my family origins and your mun told you about hers.
THANKS FOR THAT DESTINATION SEA, NOZ
KIDS!!!!!!!
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma,
"Where's Mom and Dad?" And she replied, "They re up in bed." The little
boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.
Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?"
And she replied,"They're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.
Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" And his grandmother replied, They're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What's this? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?"
The little boy replied, "Well, last night Daddy came into my bedroom and
asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue!" He must have got
himself stuck somewhere in his room.
Grandma fainted.
Little suzie came home from school and said to her mum that that the boys at school kept asking her to do cartwheels because she was so good at doing them. When her mum heard this she said not to do them because the boys just wanted to see her knickers, Suzie replied I know mum thats why I hide them in my school bag !!!!!!!
lol... tajba mundu
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a
little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the
sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by
her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire
truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the
cat's testicles....
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run
your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think
you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren.'
> A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first.
>
> Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash.
> Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
> The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
> He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.
> 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file.
> 'Whose funeral is it?'
> The man replied, 'Well, the first hearse is for my wife'
> 'What happened to her?'
> The man replied 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
> He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?'
> The man answered 'My Mother-in-law. She was tryingto help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
> A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
> 'Can I borrow the dog?'
'Join the queue'
THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like
onions..' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a
Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree??'
'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.
Making a baby!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.. 'Good morning,
Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs.. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes..... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
Thought 1
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
Thought 2
The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wonder too.
Thought 3
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
This is the Best !!!
Thought 4
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced "Ladies and
Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued,
"My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
The whole audience including the priest erupted in laughter .......... all except the poor Groom!!
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time.
I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
lol visa
Funny Quotes.
Practice makes a man perfect... - But nobody's perfect..... . so why practice?
Money is not everything. - There's MasterCard & Visa.
One should love animals. - They are so tasty.
Save water. - Shower with your girl friend.
Love thy neighbour. - But don't get caught.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry. - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term. - It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop
Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children
"Your future depends on your dreams" - So go to sleep
There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning
"Hard work never killed anybody" - But why take the risk !
"Work fascinates me" - I can look at it for hours!
God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends.
When two's company, - three's the result!
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know - So... Why learn.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say........
Gotta Pee....
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic
on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they
needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to
wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to
a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe
with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go
home.
The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the
other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm
starting to suspect the worst.. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
stuck to her ass that said...
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"
QuoteSave water. - Shower with your girl friend.Quote
you won't save water, as soon enough there will be children around and the bathroom will be small :P
haha....... reminds me of a chinese proverb.....
'There is no economy in going to bed early to save candles if the result be twins!' :D
nice one ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
An old man hanging on to his walking stick boarded a bus. Unfortunately the bus was full so he had to stay standing up. Seeing a young boy seated he moved towards him hoping that the boy will give him his seat. However the boy did not take any notice. Suddenly the bus braked and the old man ended up lying flat on the bus floor. The young boy turned to the old man and said.
Grandpa if you had a piece of rubber fitted to the end of your stick you would not have ended up like this.
The old man looked up to the boy and said. Young man how old are you. The boy replied I am seven.
The old man than said.. If your father placed a piece of rubber to the end of his stick seven years ago, you would not have been here today and I will be seated instead of you.
How to get to Heaven from Ireland
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.
' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'No!'. I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'
A six year-old boy shouted out " YUV GOTTA BE FUKN' DEAD.........."
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her
mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost ?300, she
exclaimed: "I don't have any money.
But I'd do ANYTHING to get a
message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next
room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did. He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.. "Now take down my zipper".
She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out....." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well............ go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close
to her lips, tentatively said...........
"Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?
MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.
..................
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a m?nage ? trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they're satisfied because the British aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman won't shut up and complains relentlessly about her body; the true nature of feminism; what the sun is doing to her skin; how she can do anything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems; and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done & go shopping.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded,
and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight
You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said,
'I'm his Grandma,
but I'm glad I came.'
LOL ^^ :D
An MFF member was stranded with his boat on a desert island somwhere between the far islands of Gozo & Comino, and was left there for 2 months, before being found by another MFF member....
when returning to Malta the two started this chat :
MFF LIFE SAVER : What did you eat??
MFF CAST AWAY : Mux fish jew!!!
MFF LIFE SAVER: wasn't it boring ??
MFF CAST AWAY: how can two months of fishing be boring!!!???
MFF LIFE SAVER : did you keep a sort of calendar or something???
MFF CAST AWAY: no ta!! When the wind picked up hard, I said to myself "this must be a Friday evening"
MFF LIFE SAVER : Ahhh yess ...silly question !!!! >:( >:(
MFF LIFE SAVER: whats the first thing you'll do when in Malta ??
MFF CAST AWAY: will check the MFF on my pc!
MFF LIFE SAVER : Ahhh yess ...silly question !!!! >:( >:(
:)
l ahjar wahda din Rammx
Originali din rammx! A+++
Proset....damn good joke
rammx king tivvinthom.. kif mort competition bdw?
mghamilt xejn yesterday granit!!! >:( >:( il polza ma tantx tghatni post tajjeb :/
u kul ma nqabdu xi 5 hutit b'kollox...bix taxxaqa kien hemm id dniefel...so.... :)
Id-dniefel mill-art rammx?
Jista ikun gimgha ilu mort spinning iz zurrieq u xi 100 metru il barra rajt wihed
Naf li jista jkun imma jien qatt ma rnexxili nara wiehed.
filghodu mux lewwel darba li rajna spitec (il barra) imma mid dera bil lejl ihobbu jidhlu max xatt! kemm il darba nisimaw tifwir enormi u nindunaw li jkunu dniefel wara li nisimaw dak il hoss ta meta jitfaw in nifs il barra...u meta tisma dak il hoss ghid li ha jdum ma jmissek....
(ma kontx fis sakra LE!! lol ghax kkulhad semahhom ) 8) ;D
Ili ma nmur post selvagg forsi ghalhekk jien nipreferi postijiet ohra taf int.Zgur ma kontx fis-sakra hux! ;D ;)
lool le le bix inghidlek ma mlejtux kollu l cooler ghax hsibt li ha nkun busy nistghad...u sal ghaxra kont ga battaltu lol :)
aparti c cajt kulhad semahhom :)
issa nsaqsi.. nkun naf jien taaaa :P
issssstja ma jafdawnix !!!! ;D ;D ;D
Quote from: rammx on July 18, 2009, 19:25:06 CET
issssstja ma jafdawnix !!!! ;D ;D ;D
Le ma tarax! LOL ;D
Aparti ic-cajt rajhnihom kemm il darba in-nahhat taghna qrib l-art..vera sbieh biex tarahom jikaccjaw il hut, pero kif qal ir-rammx tista iz-zarma il qasab mal l-ewwel ghax kollox iggerxu ::)
Int thobba l-birra ukoll minalija hux Martin???? :P Ara naqbad naqra maghkhom qied siehbi ;D
ITALIAN Women are TOUGH!
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the
agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door
frame, g azing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he
would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out
upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite
ravioli.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty
years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled
posture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already
in his mouth.
With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when
suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
'F**K off!' she said.
'Those are for the funeral.'
A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and
Calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche
Owner.
The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your arm was torn
off when that truck hit you.'
The Londoner looks down in horror.
'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...'
Know Your Customers:
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained
"When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I
would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But,
I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey
the message through three posters...
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted
and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And Then these posters were pasted all over the place
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.
"The hell it should have!? said the salesman. Didn't realize that
Arabs read from right to left"
(Amidst all the current stress and turmoil, it's important to keep smiling!!)
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS PT.1
A teacher asks her class "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?".
She calls on Little Ralphy.
He replies "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot".
The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking".
Then little Ralphy says "I have a question for YOU".
"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?".
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone".
To which Little Ralphy replied "The correct answer is "the one with the wedding ring on", but I like your thinking".
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH PT.2
Little Ralphy returns from school and says to his father that he got an 'F' in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
Little Ralphy replies "The teacher asked "How much is 2x3,'' and I said '6'".
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?''.
"What's the f*cking difference??" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little Ralphy goes to school and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?".
Little Ralphy says "Mas-tur-bate".
Miss Rogers smiles and says "Wow, Little Ralphy, that's a mouthful".
Little Ralphy says "No Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on Little Suzie, who responded with "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it".
"Very good Suzie" replied the teacher. She then called on Little Michael.
"My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully".
She said "Excellent Michael!". Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Ralphy.....
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just f*cking beautiful!!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little Ralphy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat".
Little Ralphy replied "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old".
The man asked "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?".
Little Ralphy answered "No, he minded his own f*cking business!".
lol ta l ahhar gd one
nice one. reminds me of my school days ;D ;D ;D ;D
my turn now
Why fishing is better than making love
* When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good.
If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.
* Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither.
And don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
* In fishing you lie about the one that got away.
In loving you lie about the one you caught.
* You can catch and release a fish. You don't have to lie, and promise to still be friends after you let it go.
* You don't necessarily have to change your line to keep catching fish.
* You can catch a fish on a 20-cent frozen squid.
If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.
* Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
Bet you never thought of this... New Treatment For Sunburn
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible
sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being
diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he
was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with
saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will
Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll
keep the sheets off his legs.'
Everyone has to watch this .
this has to be the funniest fish commercial in the world..
listen to the commentary
its a classic
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pewILmqHZ3I
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
Kien hemm puluzija u kien mohhu biex jaghti citazzjoni lill wiehed ragel tal MUZEW. Dan il-puluzija ma setax isib skuza tajba biex iwahhal dik l-imbierka citazzjoni lill ta MUZEW.
Darba wahda tal MUZEW kien ghaddej fuq ir rota u l-puluzija waqfu.
Puluzija "taf kemm ili biex intik citazzjoni? imma qatt ma ir nexili?"
Tal MUZEW "naf, imma int qatt ma tista ittini citazzjoni"
Puluzija "U ghliex?"
Tal MUZEW "Ghax jien, San Gorg Preca dejjem mighei"
Puluzija "ha wahhalek citazjoni ghax qedin tnejn fuq ir-rota"
Translation (ramio):
A policeman had been for a long time trying to give a fine for some controvention to this very religious guy.
One day the policeman met the guy pedeling along with his bicycle. He told him how hard it had been trying to fine him, but all was in vain.
The guy replied that it was impossible because God was always with him.
The policman said "Thats it then, here's a fine for being two on a bike"
PLEASE TRANSLATE MULLET 75
To be honest i think its not that funny in english..it one of those "lose's something in translation" cases.
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by
the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......
ate the cookies........
drank the milk.......
sh*t on the paper.......
screwed the other three cats.......
claimed he injured his back while doing so.......
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......
put in for Workers Compensation.................and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
Three little ducks go into a Bar.....
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck...
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
The Importance of Walking
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 77 years old
and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven a tall, Exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......
On one condition'
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly And meaningfully said....
'Clean my house.'
(YOU GO, GIRL!)
In a national survey carried out in the UK entitled "Are there too many foreigners in the UK"? 18% said yes, 82% couldn't respond because they dont speak english! >:(
they say that beer contains femail hormones, i think they are right, after 8 pints i talk sh*t and cant drive.
Note on fridge door
"Dear wife you are 54, & there are things that you can no longer do for me, but I still value you as a wife so therefore I will tell you this! When you read this I will be at the Royal Hotel with my secretary who is 18, we will have sex, & I will be home later on this evening!"
When he returns home that evening he finds a note on the fridge door which reads.
"Dear husband, thank you for your honesty & the fact that you still value me as a wife, I should point out that you are also 54 & there are things you can no longer do for me as well, when you read this, I will be at the Imperial Hotel with one of my students who is also 18, is very virile, & is also an assistant physical training instructor.
Now 54 doesn't go into 18 very much, but 18 goes into 54 many more times, & therefore I wont be home until some time tomorrow!"
Mighty Thor is on earth & sees a beautiful young girl carrying a large pitcher of water so he offers to carry it home for her, she agrees & they walk to her house. She invites him in & offers him a cooling drink, & one thing leads to another & he spends a mad passionate night with her.
When they wake in the morning he feels that he must tell her the truth about himself! "I am mighty Thor" he bellows!
"Your'e Thor" she says "how do you think my fanny feelth after a night like that?"
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get To Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't Even know the way to the Post Office."
RAKKONT MILL-KTIEB TAL-GENESI
U Alla halaq lill-hmar u qallu:
"Int hmar, se tghaddi hajtek tahdem u tbati minn filghodu sa filghaxija.
Biex tghix trid tiekol il-haxix.
Mhux se jkollok intelligenza u se tghix ghal hamsin sena".
Il-hmar wiegeb:
"Biex nghix 50 sena f'dik it-tbatija naraha wisq.
Tista' thallini nghix sa 20 sena?" U hekk kien.
Imbaghad Alla halaq lill-kelb u qallu:
"Int kelb. Trid izzomm l-ghassa mad-djar tal-bniedem, li tieghu se
tkun l-ikbar habib. Se tiekol minn dak li jhalli u se tghix 25 sena".
Il-kelb wiegeb:
"Mulej, li nghix ghal 25 sena bhal kelb naraha wisq.
Tista' thallini nghix sa 10 snin?" U hekk kien.
Il-Mulej imbaghad halaq lix-xadin u qallu:
"Int xadin. Trid tixxabbat mas-sigar.
Trid tkun tac-cajt u se tghix ghal ghoxrin sena".
Ix-xadin wiegeb:
"Mulej, ma tahsbix li 20 sena huma wisq?"
Hallini nghix ghal 10 snin". U hekk kien.
Fl-ahhar Alla halaq lill-bniedem u qallu:
"Int bniedem, l-uniku hlejqa li tirraguna.
Trid tuza l-intelligenza tieghek fuq il-hlejjaq l-ohra.
Trid tiddomina d-dinja u se tghix 20 sena".
Il-bniedem qallu:
"Mulej, ghaliex daqshekk biss?"
Jekk joghgbok tini t-tletin sena tal-hmar, il-hmistax tal-kelb u
l-ghaxra tax-xadin. U hekk kien.
U Alla ghamel il-bniedem jghix 20 sena ta' ragel,
imbaghad jizzewweg u jghix 30 sena ta' hmar, jahdem u jbati.
Imbaghad ikollu t-tfal u jghix 15-il sena ta' kelb, jiehu hsieb id-dar
u jiekol dak li jhallu t-tfal wara li jkunu zarmaw il-fridge.
Imbaghad jghix l-ahhar 10 snin ta' hajtu bhax-xadin, jikkummiedja
biex izomm lin-neputijiet kwieti. U hekk kien.
Brilliant! (What did he say)? or would the humour be lost in the translation?? :D
It wont load on here the file is too big, but have a look at this & make sure you have your speakers on ;) Google "Chimps do Riverdance" I just watched the 10yr anniversary documentary & remembered this :D
The Good Grandpa
A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
"You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name is Steve."
a cadet before jumping with his parachute was told by the instructor remember left button open main parachute right button opens emergency parachute. If none works pray to god.
after jumping the cadet tried left button ?nothing a few seconds later right button ?nothing. So he started praying. In the meantime he was approached by a man with a spanner in his hand. Very happy to see this man he cried. at last god heard my prayers and sent you. what god cried out the main , the gas cylinder has just blown .
A farmer got in his truck and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked.
"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?
"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"?
"He went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to theother and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment.
"You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline (an area where Canadian tourists typically visit in the winter) when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. He drove closer to see what it was. Upon approaching the scene, he saw a man in the water wearing a Montreal Canadians hockey jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark! At that moment, a speedboat containing three men wearing Toronto Maple Leafs jerseys, roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Montreal fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They then bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was the Pope summoning them to the beach. After they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred in your country between the fans of the Leafs and the Canadiens, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and companionship that could serve as a model on which other countries, like this one, could follow". He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom".
"Well," the harpooner replied, "he doesn't know a thing about shark fishing!! Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another one?"
GO LEAFS GO
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy." "I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.
In biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?"
Little Johnny raises his hand.
"Go ahead, Johnny."
"My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder."
"That's terrible, Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"
Again Johnny raises his hand.
"We'll give you another chance."
"My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it and his eyes popped out in shock."
The new age
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies .. and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the Superiority of gay love!'
The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now but just watch what happens When we pull the thermometer out of his ass!'
Why do women prefer to have sex with circumcised men?
They cant resist something with 10% off! ::)
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.
Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"
"A hand job", Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this huge dick.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
A Greek and Italian were talking one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over coffee the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
The Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."
The Italian, nodding, says, "But we built the Roman Empire ."
And, so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
Voodoo Sex Toy
Numru ta' tfajliet, fosthom wahda Ghawdxija riedu jidhlu sorijiet u marru ghand l-isqof biex jaghmlilhom l-"oral test". Wara li ghamlilhom hafna ezortazzjonijiet u mistoqsijiet dwar ir-rieda taghhom u jekk kinux lesti li jimxu wara l-passi ta' Kristu, staqsa lill-ewwel wahda: "Inti trid tkun serva ta' Gesu'?" u dik pront wegbitu: "Iva, Eccellenza, irrid". Giet it-tieni wahda u staqsiha l-istess: "Inti trid tkun serva ta' Gesu'?" U hi wiegbet: "Iva, Eccellenza, irrid". Biex ma ntawwalx fl-ahhar giet l-Ghawdxija u l-isqof ghamlilha l-istess mistoqsija: "Inti trid tkun serva ta' Gesu'? U dik kienet pront wegbitu: "Le, Eccellenza, ghax ahna l-Ghawdxin prodotti tat-Three Hills biss nixtru!"
Real Court scenes - These questions and answers have really happened in court!!! Extremely funny!!!
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son -- the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, ''Where am I, Cathy?''
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your atorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
tal bott il blue hux ... ;D
Feel free to change names, places and coinage.......
Queensland Government at work.
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Queensland Parliament Buildings. One is from Ipswich, another from Logan and the third is from Kenmore.
All three go with a Parliament official to examine the fence.
The Ipswich contractor takes out a tape measure, does some measuring then writes down some figures. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900, $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Logan contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700, $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Kenmore contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the Parliament official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Kenmore contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Logan to fix the fence..."
"Done!" replied the government official.
And that, my friends, is politics Queensland style ! !
Il-Alla man kemm dhaqt...tajba mundinu!!
Allur taghna is-sajida hallejtu barra? San Nistad
u il-qaddis ta min ma jaqbadx hut min hu ???? San Zarma ;D?
tas-sajjieda.. San Sanrek.
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he
might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just LOVE italian lawyers?!
tal hut li ma jridx imis........ San nitpaxxa narak tindanna
Qaddis tas-sajd wiehed hawn - San Spejjez ;D
sajjied li qabadt u ghandu ma tellax....san narta
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19gLyMnqK40
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgHba6IFffE
The nun and the hippie
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun of the order of St Michael.. He sits down next to her and asks her openly: Can we have sex?
No she replies I m married to St Michael
She stands up. and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver who overheard turns to the hippie and says. I can tell you how to get to have sex with her! Yeah says the hippie.
Yes says the bus driver. she goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be St Michael.
The hippie decides to give it a try and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
I am St Michael he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. Have sex with me.
The nun agrees without question but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
St Michael agrees and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
Ha ha he cries I m the hippie.
Ha ha cries the nun. I m the bus driver!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GT86iWiH2mI
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
F * ck....
lololololol
lool
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? 'Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
Tajba siehbi!! ;)
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
(Or the uncertainty of the English language)
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches..
2. There are no dental records.
----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up..
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion...'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling..
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
..........................................................................
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder,
followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there!'
or just go fish......... rammx iggib il lager!
Tajba din Ray
Irish Golfer
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the
golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him..........'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball, the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself, I'll have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the
money he ever needs and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out £100 notes I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once,
sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all?
Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a
Catholic priest in a small parish.'
Paddy went to Tescos.
In Tescos he bought a pack of Diet Coke & picked up a bag of sugar, however he did not pay for the sugar & was taken to court.
When asked by the Judge why he stole the bag of sugar he replied, 'On the back of the Coke pack, it said sugar free
:)
FISHING TRIP
Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home, frustrated.
The following week, when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave was already there. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
"I didn't have to," Dave replied. I went home from work last night and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'... When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM!"
thats a good one lol ;D
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.
A little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'Over the fence into our yard!'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped!'
'That must've been scary', said the teacher
'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say "Fuck" , the Rottweiler ate him!' ;D ;D
There are five secrets to a perfect relationship.
1) Its important to have a women who cooks, cleans and has a job. ;)
2) Its important to have a women who can make you laugh. ;)
3) Its important to have a women who you can trust and does'nt lie. ;)
4) Its important to have a women who is good in bed and likes being with you. ;)
5) Its VERY VERY important that these four women don't know each other. ;D
lool, nice
Don't know if this one has benn already posted, if so you may delete it. here it comes.
Strange Funeral Procession !
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
"Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
Katie Price decides to buy a new car as a reward for being in the jungle for 14 days, so she calls into the Bentley Dealership & approaches the salesman.
"Can I have a new Bentley converted for Harvey"?
"Certainly Madam, what flavour windows would you like"?
During the recent gales, an immigrant family were killed by a falling tree, a spokesman for Birmingham City Council stated "We had no idea they were living up there"!
This year's "must have" toy is a talking muslim doll, nobody knows what it say's because nobody has had the courage to pull the string yet!
Are you serious blueskip!!!! It says booooom
--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A highway patrolman was astonished to see a car speeding along
> on the Mellieha
> highway.
> Glancing at the car he was astonished to see a blond behind
the
> wheel was
> knitting. The Trooper saw this, cranked down his window and
> yelled......
> "PULL OVER"
> "NO."yelled the blond " SCARF"
>
>
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Two blondes from Sliema were flying to London from Luqa.
Fifteen
> minutes into
> the flight, the Captain announced, 'One of the engines has
> failed and the
> flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three
> engines left.'
> Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced, 'One more engine
> has failed and
> the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry, we have
> two engines left.
> '
>
> An hour later the Captain announced, 'One more engine has
failed
> and the flight
> will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine
> left.'
>
> One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said, 'If
we
> lose one more
> engine, we'll be up here all day
>
>
>
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Two nuns of "The Immaculate... " in Sliema are ordered to
paint
> a room in the
> convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is
that
> they must not
> get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring
about
> this for a
> while, the two nuns decide to lock thedoor of the room, strip
> off their habits
> and paint in the nude.
> In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
>
> "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
>
> "The Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the
> door.
>
> The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no
harm
> can come from
> letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.
>
> "Nice paint color", says the man, "Where do you want me to put
> the blinds?".
>
>
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> This elderly gentleman from Floriana was suffering from
> Alzheimer's. His wife
> of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him
any
> longer. He
> would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes
even
> who he was. She
> took him to the Little Sisters of the Poor nursing home in
> Hamrun.
> At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork,
a
> young nun had
> the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly
> leaning to his
> left. The nun ran over and put a pillow on his left side to
prop
> him up.
>
> A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again,
the
> sister ran
> over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting
> leaning forward. This
> time, the sister strapped him into the chair. About this time,
> his wife, having
> completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do
you
> like the
> place?"
>
> "It's okay," he said. "But, these nuns won't let me fart."
>
>
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> A young British couple were married, and celebrated their
first
> night together
> at the Clypso Hotel In Marsalforn, doing what newlyweds do,
time
> and time again,
> all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the
> bathroom but finds no
> towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to
> please bring one
> from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he
opened
> the door,
> exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she
sees
> all of him
> well.
> Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped
and
> stared, and she
> asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his
> anatomy. He, also
> being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's
> what we had so
> much fun with last night."
>
> And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
>
>
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Kont qed nitkellem ma' dal-qassis mill-Hamrun. Saqsejtu jekk
> hemmx xi qaddis
> Malti!
> "Mela le? Ahna l-Maltin, ilhu hafna li ghandna qaddis. U famus
> hafna! Jismu
> "San Fottik"
>
>
>
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Omm: "X'qal missierek meta ghidtlu li int tinsab tqila?"
> Tifla: "Tridni nhalli d-daghwiet u l-kliem hazin?"
> Omm: "Naturalmet!"
> Tifla: "Xejn."
>
>
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> A lady approaches a priest at a Sliema restaurant and tells
him,
> "Father, I
> have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they
only
> know how to
> say one thing."
> "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
>
> "They only know how to say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you
want
> to have some
> fun?"
>
> "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a
solution
> to your problem.
> Bring your two female parrots over to the rectory and I will
put
> them with my
> two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the
> bible. My parrots
> will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase
and
> your female
> parrots will learn to praise and worship."
>
> "Oh Thank you!" the woman responded.
>
> The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the
priest's
> house. His two
> male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their
cage.
> The lady puts
> her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female
> parrots say, "Hi,
> we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
>
> One male parrot looks over at the other male and exclaims,
"Put
> the beads away,
> Our prayers have been answered!!!"
>
>
>
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Mela darba kien hemm Mary u Peter li kienu ilhom mizzewwgin, u
> kif kulhadd jaf
> fid-dar dejjem jinqala xi hsara. Kif Peter kien sejjer ix -
> xoghol Mary marret
> fuqu u qaltlu li kellhom il-vit tal- kcina jqattar.
> Kif sema hekk dar fuqha u qalla, " Mela int hsibtni xi
> Plumber!!" Hekk kif kien
> sejjer daret fuqu u qaltlu, "Peter inqatet il-bozza tal-Linfa"
>
> Dlonk dar fuqha u qalla , "Mela hsibtni electician!!"
>
> Fil-hamsa ta` fl-ghaxija Peter gie lura mix- xoghol u jsib il-
> bozza mibdula u
> l-vit tal-kcina mibdul.
>
> Peter staqsa lil Mary u din qaltlu, "Mela kien hemm Joe ta`
> hdejna gie u
> ghamilhomli miskin. X`hin lesta imbaghad ghidtlu xi jrid
> tax-xoghol u qalli.
> 'JEW TAGHMILLI GATEAUX JEW ITTINI NEJKA ??????'
>
> Dlonk Peter kuntent kuntent qalla, "mela int ghamiltlu
> gateaux????"
>
> Qabzet Mary, u qaltlu, " MELA INT HSIBTNI XI DULCIERA"
>
>
>
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A depressed young woman rejected from Medical School was so
> desperate that she
> decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea. When
> she went down to
> Pieta, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on
> her, and said,
> "Look you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Syracuse in the
> morning and if
> you like, I can stow you away on my ship. This trip we are
going
> all the way to
> Genoa, I'll take good care of you and bring you food every
day."
> Moving closer he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added
> "I'll keep you
> happy, and you'll keep me happy.
> The girl nodded. What did she have to lose? That night, the
> sailor brought her
> aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he
> brought her
> three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made
passionate
> love until dawn.
>
> A week later, during a routine search, she was discovered by
the
> captain. "What
> are you doing here?" he asked. "I had an arrangement with one
of
> the sailors."
> She explained. "He's taking me to Italy, and every night he
came
> and screwed me.
> " "He sure did lady!" Said the captain. "This is the Gozo
ferry"
>
A cvouple of good one's
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his
mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
GIRLFRIEND : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
BOYFRIEND : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
TEACHER : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
PUPIL : "The moon".
TEACHER : "Why?"
PUPIL : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun
gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
TEACHER : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?"
PUPIL : "A teacher".
WAITER : "Would you like your coffee black?"
CUSTOMER : "What other colors do you have?"
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
TEACHER : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
SAM : "It's a family tradition".
TEACHER : "What do you mean?"
SAM : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
TEACHER : "What about your mother?"
SAM : "She's a woman".
TOM : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
DAVID: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's
performance repeated".
TEACHER : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and
stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
STUDENT : "Brotherly love".
TEACHER : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before
eating?"
SAM : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
PATIENT : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
DOCTOR : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of
ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've
treated. The others all died".
TEACHER : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
STUDENT : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and
at the same time."
TEACHER : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's
Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his
father didn't punish him ?"
...... cos he still had the axe in his hand !!!!
haha, tajba man lol
Jeff Dunham - Achmed The dead Terrorist Jingle Bombs (christmas Special)
ara sabu lil ahmed..............mamma mia kemm hu tajjeb dak il ventriloquist
SILENCE!!! I kill you!!!
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two doubles of Jamieson Whiskey.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman saw them, went berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk -l for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't tink I can do any more of dis oim drunk and me knees is killin me"!
Murphy said, "Howdya tink oi feel? Oi can't even remember which pub oi lost de sausage in :P :P :P
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki
Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you
might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart........ .............. But I was wrong, too!"
LOOOOOOOL tajba sihbi hahahajj
tajba ...mur xommu :-\
a good clean one or is it a dirty one?!?!?!?!
A single woman starts dating a married doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland enlargement.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him the baby came from him and that it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says.
So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation, he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?"
"You gave birth to a child!"
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby....."
About fifteen years go by and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth.
One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father....."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."
loooooooool nice one!!
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!
great Joke, save some for the 15th ;)
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin .
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
"What man here will buy a woman drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
"Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,
"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,
"Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied,
"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Prince Charles & Camilla's Wedding Night
Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace.
Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, they are killing me.'
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But it would not budge.
'Harder' yelled Camilla.
'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'
'Come on, give it all you've got ' she cried.
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'
In their bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'
Ten for these well done ;D
part 2................Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this one's even tighter' .
At which point, Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'
Subject: A visit to the doctor
The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex often helped men last
longer during the act. The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't
do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too
open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he
realised his solution. On the way home from work, he pulled his truck
over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if
examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and
started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pant leg. Not
wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut
and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck
rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
ANGER MANAGEMENT
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."
BRAINS OF BRITAIN
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:
Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France.
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris.
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO ( MANCHESTER )
Phil:
What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er. ... ..
Richard:
He makes bread . . .
Contestant:
Er .. .....
Richard:
He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:
Kipling Street?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona.
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific.
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:
Japan.
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:
Er ........ Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er... .... ..
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:
Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:
Jewish.
Presenter:
That's close enough.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus.
Far out Robby....the Kor Blimey one blew me away!!!!
The jokes here are real stuff, I can vouch on the geography ones...I've watched USA tv where contestants where asked questions regarding geography, man the answers were horrible
Vera Gaffer ...Blimey hija bomba ;D proset robby
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
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Super one Radio in the beging- Presentor - "What was Hitler's name?" The competitior answer "Hajl"
Net Radio "Xjimu hu re?" spettatur "Hipp Hipp" ghax meta nifirhu ahna naghjdu hipp hiip hu re.
BEER BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS
A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.
'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.' --Tim, 7 years old
'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.' --Mellanie, 7 years old
'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.' --Grady, 7 years old
''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.' --Toby, 7 years old< I>
'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much. --Sarah, 7 years old
'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.' --Lilly, 7 years old
'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old
'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.' --Shirley, 7 years old
AND THE BEST RESPONSE
'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.' --Jack, 7 years
A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night
and
he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies,
he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says,
"You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied,
"It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour,
it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says,
"You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies,
"Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two doubles of Jamieson Whiskey.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman saw them, went berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk -l for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't tink I can do any more of dis oim drunk and me knees is killin me"!
Murphy said, "Howdya tink oi feel? Oi can't even remember which pub oi lost de sausage in".
In a recovery room a man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery.
His wife was sitting by his side holding his hand. His eyelids just opened for a few seconds.
He looked at his wife as if he was returning from out of body experience, hallowed by bright white light. With a broken smile and in a groggy voice he mumbled at his wife, "You are so beautiful."
Then he fell asleep and started snoring again waking up other recovering room surgery patients and annoying nurses."
His wife had never seen him so ugly and yet so romantic. So she suppressed all her disgust of environment, held his hand tighter and chose to stuck there for a while.
After a while the man opens his eyelids again but wider and for longer time. He loves the comfort of his wife and says, "You are cute!"
The wife was disgusted, threw his hand on the bed and demanded an explanation, "It was 'beautiful', last time and how it is 'cute' this time. What happened to my beauty?"
The man answered, "Honey, I am recovering to reality from the influence of Anesthesia.
Weight Report
A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.
One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz
You Gotta Love the Irish
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
.................................................................................................
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
..............................................................................................
Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
...................................................................................................
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
...
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
...
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
...
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... 'God, please help me.
I've lost my business and if I don't get some money,
I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win
the lottery .'
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery!
I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me?
I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help, and I've always been a good servant to you.
PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...
'Sweetheart, how can you ever win the lottery without buying a ticket!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
Thought of the day...........
A Lion would never cheat on his wife......
......but a Tiger Wood!
Subject: 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They
seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
;D
hehehe
A Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!....... bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited..... f inished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...... its box said '2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid..... comes with wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water-skiing....... couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast-stroke swimming competition..... learned later, the other swimmers cheated: they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'..... isn't it???
October
Hate M & Ms..... they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said '1 hour per pound' and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911. 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o ::)
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box, and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched
to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!' ::)
Excuses Excuses !!
A married couple at the Zoo walk past the gorilla enclosure. Says the woman: " Mark , do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behaviour"?
"Look, see that no one is looking and I'll expose one of my breasts to it and just watch how horny it gets, just as you men do".
Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla begins to get a hard-on and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free. "See" says the woman, "Now I know why you react the way you do, men can't control their animal instincts, just as gorillas can't".
Says Mark : "Now expose both breasts and let's see what happens".
The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets now even more excited and is now desperately trying to escape the enclosure.
Says Mark : "This is incredible, now pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum to it and let's see what happens!!!"
The woman pull her skirt up turns around with her bum to the gorilla which by now, extremely aroused, bends the bars apart and breaks free of the cage, grabs the woman and starts tearing her clothes off....
The woman yells: " Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!!!"
Mark replies: "Well, why don't you give him one of those excuses that you usually give me:
......That you don't feel like it;
That you have a headache;
That you're tired;
That your throat is aching;
That I must understand you as a woman;
That you are depressed;
That it's one of 'those' days;
That you are having a very busy week;
That all you need is just to cuddle;
That you're all tense;
That you have to wake up very early tomorrow;
That you woke up very early today;
That you walked for so long and your feet are aching;
That caresses and hugs is all that you want today;
That you're so tense that all you want is a good massage to make you relax;
That you feel like watching TV;
That you don't wanna miss the soaps;
That you've just come from the hair salon and therefore you can't do it and ruin your hair........ ....."
............ ."Go on..... explain all that to the gorilla and if he understands, then I agree that we men are just like animals when it comes to sex!!!"
A crusty old man walks into the local church and says to the secretary,
"I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, dammit! I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that kind of language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."
"I see," says the pastor. " And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course my child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
Apple today announced that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from €499 to €699 depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
joke of the year din bry!!!!!!!
A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the White Spot restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot restaurant because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
THIS MUST COUNT AS THE BEST MOTHER-IN-LAW JOKE!
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied,' I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
Q: How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
A: Who knows -- it's never been done.
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Q: Why don't women need watches?
A: Because there's a clock on the stove.
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Q: Why is it when a man talks nasty to a women it's sexual harassment.
A: But when a women talks nasty to a man it's $3.99 a minute.
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Q: What do you call a women who knows where her husband is each night?
A: widow.
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Q: Why can you never trust a woman?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and does not die?
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The Bathtub Test ???
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and
ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.
DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DIARY:DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives.
Twice.
Men's Logic ;D ;D
A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.
The Problem was who should get custody of the child.
The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought The child into the world with all the pain and labor.
The child Should be in my custody."
The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense?"
The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose. "Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out...
Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?"
A teenage boy had just got his driver's license and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son:
'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said,
'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't got your hair cut.'
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.
'To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went? :) :) :)
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning ..... today you voted.'
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
A SCOTSMAN walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
:) :) :)
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel ' s ear and she said, ' ' Mabel, do you know you ' ve got a suppository in your left ear? '
Mabel answered, ' I have a suppository in my ear? '
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, ' Ethel, I ' m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid. '
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, ' You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea. '
Replied the widow, ' I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was. '
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An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn ' t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: ' Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . .. please advise. '
The old man faxed back: ' Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap. '
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, ' Watch that wall! '
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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, ' I have a 22 year old husband at home He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee. '
I said, ' Well, then why are you crying? '
She said, ' He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon. ' (scoll)
I said, ' Well, why are you crying? '
She said, ' For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. '
I said, ' Well, why in the world would you be crying? '
She said, ' I can ' t remember where I live! '
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ' Now don ' t get mad at me. I know we ' ve been friends for a long time.....but I just can ' t think of your name! I ' ve thought and thought, but I can ' t remember it. Please tell me what your name is. '
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, ' How soon do you need to know? '
Three women from Valletta were talking over a coffee at the Premier about their love lives...
Phyllis said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
Michelle said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
Katie said, "Mine is like an old VW. It needs a hand start, and I have to jump on while it's still going."
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Three sailors stopped in Malta for 3 day shore leave after 9 months on the water without seeing a woman for a while.Having nothing on their mind but women, they decided to visit Strada Stretta in the city but they had a bit of a problem, one had 10 Pounds,one had 20 Pounds and the other had 30 Pounds.
Anyway they pushed the guy with 10 Pounds in first and the job was done in 10 minutes. When he came out his mates ran up to him asking what he got, and the he said " It was worth every minute of it mate!!.She played with my Dick for 5 minutes and then she slipped a Pineapple ring around it and ate it off.!"
The guy with 20 Pounds went in and was out after 15 minutes. His mate with 30 Pounds eagerly asked him what he got, and he replied, " Mate, what an experience!!. She played with my old fellow for a while then she slipped 2 Pineapple rings around it and ate them off."
The last one did not waste any time and went in, but he was out after 7 minutes. His mates ran up to him asking why he was out in such a short time. And he replied," I got my money's worth, she played with my donger for a while then she slipped 3 Pineapple rings around it, filled the gaps with whipped cream and topped it up with a cherry, it looked so good I ate it myself."
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A teacher at an English school in Sliema notices that little Johnny, at the back of the class, is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy.
The teacher has him go down to the principal's office to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it.
He does this, returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom," she says.
"I did," he says, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon she'd come and pick me up from school."
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L-istorja ta' Leli u r-rizzi wara l-mawra tieghu l-Munxar!
(Bid-djalett Zejtuni:-)!
Dmewh sa xerred imme bid-dehk....
Rizzi gebt bumli xkura tal-patuta tal-25 kilo,emminni gebt iktar minn 50 jew 60 tuzzuna,kijf wasalt il-munxur kienu kwuzii s-sitte u nofs u kijf nizzelt saqajja ga l-ilme hessejt qalbi bejn snieni daqs kemm kien kieseh,imme minhebbe it-tifle ma qaght inqijs xejn u ntfajt,mite gejt biex nitla l-ixkura kienet tqila wesq u emmini ma batajtx narfa l-vura l-kbire milli dik l-ixkura rizzi, spallti taqqbitili kullha. Is-sabijha hi dijn,xhijn il-mara rut duk ir-rizzi kullu ceplet lit-tifle u lil mara tat-tifel,insumma f`inqas minn kwarta kienu id-dur,is-sultu nhur ta`Hedd taghmilli l-brudu u mghamlitewx ghax qaltli nieklu ir-rizzi,biex ma noqghodx intawwal kif suru l-hdux u nofs qbadt inkissru u kien mimli ta bully,jien inkisser u hume jieklu u ma hellewlejx wahde u kelli nikkuntente bicce hops bit-tonn taz-zejt, xejn ma ddispjecini tu ghax fteht zewg fliexken inbit Psaila made qabbat il-pipe u kont qisni l-genne minbarra l-ugijh ta`spallti...
Toghbok sijap dijn l-isturja?
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.' (soccer ball)
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$ 250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here..'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '$ 750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'...
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!
more than a joke, this is more of a motto:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, totally worn out and screaming 'WOOO HOOOOO... what a ride!
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
"Wow," the social worker exclaims, "are they all yours?"
"Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, "Sit down, Leroy!" All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
''Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy."
In disbelief, the case worker says, "Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?"
Their momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come and not the whole bunch?"
"Then I call them by their last names."
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"I got a new trolling rod and reel+ a fancy lure for my wife
...best trade I ever made."
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says .
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident..
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fuck!, the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
Adam & God
God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'
God explained it to Him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a River?'
God explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'
Adam said, 'What is a Hill?'
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'
After God explained, He said, 'In the cave You will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'
So God explained That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do I do that?'
God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....'
And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down Into the valley, Across the river, and Over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman.
Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.
God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it Now?'
And Adam said....
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
'What's a headache?'
::) ;D :o ;D :D ;D
It was entertainment night at the old people's home. Claude the Hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to
Hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique Pocket watch from his coat "I want you each to keep your eye on this Antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six Generations".
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly Chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light Gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the Swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and Fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
"SH!T" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the old people's home!
:D
You really must watch this one guys! ;D
http://www.flixxy.com/best-fisherman-bloopers.htm (http://www.flixxy.com/best-fisherman-bloopers.htm)
really funny :) and he's stupid
A wife was helping her husband set up his computer & he was getting bored, it got to the stage when it said "enter password" seeing as he was getting bored & feeling a bit amorous, his wife said "enter something you will easily remember", with his wife peering over his shoulder he thought to himself I will give her a hint here, so he types.
P
E
N
I
S
His wife bursts out laughing when the computer comes back with the message "password too small please try again" ::)
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard.
Two Gay Guys are walking through a Zoo.
They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it.
The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for two hours non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.
When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?'
'AM I HURT?' he shouts;
'Wouldn't you be?.............he hasn't called....he hasn't written....'
The stranded Irishman
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway,
Ahh "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on
the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain
out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
Remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys
helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of
yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"
Roy replied: "Wrong room.."
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The
cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage.
"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and ask,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks
($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."
What Causes Arthritis
A drunken man who smelled of alcohol sat down on a subway next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say
Father, what causes arthritis ?'
The priest replies, 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' then returned
to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis ?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does.'
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the
answer.
A retired gentleman went to Centrelink Office to apply for the Age Pension. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license
to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
'I will have to go home and come back later.' he said.
The woman says, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.
She says, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me', and she processed his Age Pension application.
When he returned home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Centrelink office.
She says, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got the Disability Pension too!'
THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation,
crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to
make love to her,
he replied, 'It's Lent'.
In tears, she sobbed,
'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?' :o
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gi
The next year he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year."
And that's how the fight started....
******************************
My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
******************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror and she is not happy with what she sees
and says to her husband, "I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "You're eyesight is damn near perfect."
And that's how the fight started....
******************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 20 seconds."
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started....
******************************
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
******************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
Then I said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
******************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started.....
******************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....
******************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's when the fight started...
***********************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt".
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me",and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too"
And that's how the fight started.....
***************************
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
The waiter said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's how the fight started....
Barack Hussein Obama was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said,
'I am the President of the United States.
Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, $200.
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was $100.
He then asked the redhead
Her reply was,
'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages,
get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas,
keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have retirees,
then it isn't going to cost you a damn cent!'
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
fqajtni kev.....kemm dhaqt bil qalb
Experimental Pill
A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex.
He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.
About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said.
It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table."
The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill
was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway."
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Pregnancy Advice
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
'Actually, yes, I do.'
'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No. I rather like it.'
'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'
'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from?
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Rules Are Rules
Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
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Costume Party
A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
"Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life."
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Nice Smelling Hair
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR.
Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.
The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."
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Under The Table
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
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Blonde Painter
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
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Diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better
The candy with the hole
This should make you smile.
You have to love little kids.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ..............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women
Women
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
"Hello - How are you!We've been waiting for you.Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her."Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love.
The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. " I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery.
I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.
And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am.
What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
" Czechoslovakia ."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry...There will be Hell to pay later!
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yY3NniApsc&feature=related
Fortuna in video at 5.31 in video above lol... cuf cuf
You Got Male
A little boy goes to his daddy and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Your mum and I first got together in a chatroom on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met up at a cyber cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us had used a firewall, and since it was to late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said,
"You Got Male"
L-GHAWDXIN M'HAWNX BHALHOM.
> A young Gozitan guy moves to the States and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
> The manager asks, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
> The guy said, 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home....you
> know....J.B.Stores....Tal-Lira!'
> Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job.
> 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did but
> let me give you a bit of advice, if a customer comes looking, say, for
> toothpaste, you might suggest he also purchase a toothbrush, or dental floss etc .. you get the idea?'
> 'Of course,' the young man said.
> His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
> After the store was locked up, the manager came down.
> 'How many sales did you make today?'
> The guy said, 'One.
> The manager groans, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?'
> The guy says, '$101,237.64.'
> The manager exclaims, 'What? $101, 237.64? What did you sell him?'
> The kid said, 'First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
> Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast so I told him he was going need a boat. So we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine sea craft.
> Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero.'
> The manager says, 'You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!'
> The guy replied, 'No no no... he came in here to buy a box of tampax for his wife and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's already fucked up, you might as well go fishing!'
Subject: Password
A woman was helping her husband set
up his new computer, and at the appropriate time in the process, told him
he would now need to enter a password..
Something he would use to log-on.
Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he would try for
the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly
obvious to his wife that he was keying in:
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD INVALID............NOT LONG ENOUGH***
Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake.
The water was enticing and Snow-White decides to take a bath.
So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake.
The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.
Snow White relents and says "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around."
Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into water before she can.
The moment the Dwarfs hear the Splash, they turn around and see Snow White standing Naked.
Now, given that this incident is an idea for an ad, what product is being advertised?
Scroll down for the answer.
"Seven Up"
What is the difference between the suicide man and the virgin?
The suicide man Tries To Die,
and the virgin Dies To Try!
It's Hell to be Old
OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing..
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.'
A man goes to see a docter, and tells him that something is wrong with his ass. So the docter said, "Go behind the screen i've seen it all before." When the man returned from behind the screen the doctor said, "Oh my god! What happened to you?" The man replied, "Well I was in the jungle for a month, and it was the elephant's mating season." The doctor looked at the mans ass again and said, "Yes, but the elephants penis is only 6 inches wide." The man looked at the doctor and said, "Yeah, but he tryed to finger me first!!"
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Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill." The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00." "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks,
''What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone.."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back.."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's Not My Wife..."
His funeral service will be held on Friday.
________________________________________
Cannibal story
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $7.00
Fried Explorer: $9.00
Freshly Baked: Labor Party, Liberals/Nationals, Democrats or Greens : $150.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a huge price difference for the Politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
Unfortunately they are everywhere!!!
IDIOT SIGHTING 1
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I
gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a
twenty pence piece
She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my
request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're
sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING 2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us
that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough
motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the
largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,
'NOOO, it's not.. Four is larger than two..'
We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park ,Nr
Watford UK
IDIOT SIGHTING 3
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the
Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign
on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't
think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Potters Bar , Herts, UK
IDIOT SIGHTING 4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco. She
asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From South Oxhey Herts , UK ...
IDIOT SIGHTING 5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask..'
Happened Luton Airport ... UK
IDIOT SIGHTING 6
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged colleague.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!'
She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex , UK
IDIOT SIGHTING 7
When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the drivers side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire UK
.
STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and the scary part is that is they have the
RIGHT TO VOTE!
A Miscommunication
There were these twins, Jim and John.
Jim was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that
John's wife died the same day Jim's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for John
said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."
Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort of glad
to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom
was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always
losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in
the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked
like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four
guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they
wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she
split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.
Hospital IRS Audit
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a local hospital.
While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the
hospital and said,
"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the
roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every
now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went,
on in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's
left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We
save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then
they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CFO.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all
the little foreskins and send them to the
IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one
Day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years
Old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
Great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the
Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
Protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
Parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house,
Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who
Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a
Huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the
Stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the
Situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word..
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
Table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
Her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom..
'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her
Over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way
Right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still,
Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to
Rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
Pocket...
Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off
the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of
condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me, they're for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do either."
There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA space center. The redhead says to the flight technician "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week. The blonde says "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?" The blonde says "Well then I'll go at night."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The flight attendant proceeded to go around the airplane checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the Blonde woman she noticed that it was for Coach seating, not first class. She tells the woman, "You're ticket says coach maam and we have a full flight today. I'm going to have to ask you to move." To which the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the woman that she must move. Again, the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Also confused, they go get the captain. He tells the woman that she must move. The blonde starts to say, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful..." when he interrupts and asks, "Can I whisper something in your ear?" "Sure" she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear. Suddenly she gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face. The flight attendants are startled. "How did you get her to move?" "I told her that first class wasn't going to L.A."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you."
She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"
The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued,
"and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static." "Sorry about, that," replied the store clerk. "We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies......................"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Finally, a smart blonde.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a married blonde who was very concerned about her stupidity to her husband, so she decides to make it up to him by painting the house while he's at work.
When her husband came home, the house was suspiciously green and smelled like paint, so he went to her wife to see what's going on. When he went in the bedroom, she was still painting while she was wearing a ski jacket over a leather jacket. The husband said "I like what you did to the house, but why are you wearing a ski jacket over a leather jacket?" The blonde responds "When I was reading the instructions on the can, it said 'FOR BEST RESULTS, USE TWO COATS!'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head that was going on vacation to a native island. The brunette brought a portable fridge with her. The red-head asked her "Why are you carrying a fridge with you?" The brunette replies "To keep all of our food in." The red-head is carrying a shotgun with her. The brunette asks "Why do you have that shotgun?" The red-head says "Just in case we run out of food, we can kill something to eat." The blonde is carrying their car door with her. They both ask the blonde "Why are you carrying our car door?" The blonde says "Just in case it gets too hot, I can roll the window down."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
Three Legged Chicken
A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.
Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph!
The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!
Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know, I ain't caught one yet!"
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short Skirts and g string...
One day, a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please", the man says.
The clerk nods, and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf...
The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on, and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips, she is tired, irritated, and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but I've got to admit it's Quivering a little."
Little Gozitan on an airplane
A stranger was seated next to a little girl (from Gozo) on the
airplane. He turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little Gozitan girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiled.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet, a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little Gozitan's intelligence, thinks about it and says,
'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little Gozitan replies,
'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
hope the stranger wasn't a priest ::) ::) ;)
loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool tajba rammx...... good joke visa
lolololololololololololol.....Rammx
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John , why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook..
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Medical distinction between Guts and Balls
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
Hehe. Tajba din.
While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
condom
all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green
and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the
results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,
'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare
and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me
up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is
your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese
doctor examines his penis and proclaims,'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man
replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens
he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he
went to feed the birds and discovered
that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in
the village, so he questioned
his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation,
'Has anybody got a cock? '
All the men stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock? '
All the women stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that
doesn't belong to them? '
Half the women stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen MY cock? '
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
.
1. Geography of a woman:
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered,
>>>>>>> half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and
>>>>>>> open to trade especially for someone with cash.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Between! 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and
>>>>>>> convinced of her own beauty.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and
>>>>>>> desirable place to visit.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war -
>>>>>>> haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now
>>>>>>> necessary.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders
>>>>>>> are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious
>>>>>>> and all conquering past but alas, no future .
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> After 70, they become Afghanistan.. Almost everyone knows
>>>>>>> where it is, but no one wants to go there.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> 2. The geography of a man:
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
Paddy Has A Broken Leg
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?"
"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me
feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the
bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"
A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way
the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."
http://www.flixxy.com/best-fisherman-bloopers.htm
lol kemm dhaqt fishfinder... ;D
qishom il-praspar li jaghmel il bikri ;D
habib insejt lahhar li morna al klamari flimkien fishfinder kemm ghamilt praspsar fl-ewwel cast li amilt. Steve ghamilli pjacir u meta immorru al klamari ara x'tamel u thallix 30 metru xlief warajk meta johroglok kobba :)
it had to be fishfinder.....
;D ;D
Dear Lord,
I know that I don't talk to you that much, but this past year you have taken away
my favourite actor, Patrick Swayze,
my favourite actress, Farah Fawcett
and my favourite musician, Michael Jackson.
I just wanted to let you know that my favourite prime minister is Lawrence Gonzi
Amen
Tajba kevinnnnn hahahaha
Probabli wara l-lejla jisma naqa t-talb taghna....ghax jekk nibqaw sejrin hekk, bhal Grecja ha nispiccaw!!!
Joe bhal griegi ga qedin ;D
tajba din LOL ;D
I NO COME WOK TODAY!'
Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come wok.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need
you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and
tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I
go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say
and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house'.
Check this out!!
http://www.maltapark.com/item.asp?ItemID=709579
@ malvizzu........
hahahaha, tajba malvizzu........... l-ahjar wahda kienet, mal ***** ghal gol hajt........
u hasruwa :(
>> >>> > > > My First Time > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
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>> >>> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
>> >>> > > > > > > > > > > > > >
>> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
>> >>> > The sky was dark > > > The moon was high > > >
>> >>> All alone > > > Just her and I > > > Her hair so
>> >>>soft > > > Her eyes so blue > > > I knew just what > >
>> >>> > She wanted to do > > > Her skin so soft > > >
>> >>>Her legs so fine > >
>> > I ran my fingers > > > Down her
>> >>>spine > > > I didn't know how > > > But I tried my
>> >>>best > > > To place my hand > > > On her breasts > > >
>> >>> I remember my fear > > > My fast beating heart > > >
>> >>> But slowly she spread > > > Her legs apart > > >
>> >>>And when she did it > > > I felt
>>no shame > > > All at
>> >>>once > > > The white stuff came > > > At last it's
>> >>>finished > > > It's all over now > > > My first time >
>> >>> > > Milking a cow! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
>> >>> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
>> >>> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
>> > > > > > >
>> >>> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
>> >>> hehehe! You sicko.
Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light!
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I
didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
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6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
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9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15..Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
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16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
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19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20..A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22..Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
[cid:image005.jpg@01CAF5CF.9E441DA0]
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
Thousand times the memory.
[cid:image006.jpg@01CAF5CF.9E441DA0]
26.Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27..The trouble with life is there's no background music.
[cid:image007.jpg@01CAF5CF.9E441DA0]
28..The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29..I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few
.
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas, coconuts and the few fish that he managed to catch.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore on a boat. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank a few months ago.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you.'
'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made this boat out of raw materials that I found on the other side of the island.. There's lots of wood, palms and vines.
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'I found a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I used that for tools.
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walkway leading to an exquisite hut painted in yellow and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you,' he mumbles, still dazed. 'I can't take any more coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I've managed to ferment some alcohol. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a lovely fountain outside and I've made a razor out of tortoise bone..'
No longer surprised by anything, the man goes to shower and shave.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'Whatever will it be next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'
She stares provocatively into his eyes ...
Tears start to well-up in his eyes. He swallows excitedly and says...................................
'Bloody hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports'?
Good one :)
A Punjabi lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India ...
Dear Sunita Darling,
I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, please adjust.
Your loving husband,
JITA SINGH
His wife replied...
TINKU KE PAPPA ,
Thanks for the 100 kisses, Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...:
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord Balkar Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.
4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand..
5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance...
Shall I plan the same for the next month?
Your Sweet Heart,
Kichi
NEVER MESS WITH WOMEN !!!
Ha! Ha!
Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
*****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
When Love Fades...
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's' voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat!"
Mums in group therapy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young Mothers and their small children.
You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.
Lets pick Willy up from school and go home
spjegahili rob ghax mafimtiex ?!?!?!?!??! :)PPPP
Mexican Maid
Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better shag than you.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
The 7 dwarfs fall down an old mineshaft, Snow White calls out to them to see if they are ok, a voice comes back "England will win the 2010 World Cup" so Snow White is pretty sure that Dopey survived the fall!
So did sleepy he was in goal against the yanks!
Even a BIRD showed that England did not even gave a shot to the opponent goal post. It slept for about 10 minutes on the goal net.
some of these are really good........ the best in my opinion is of the seagull........ read on......
KIDS IN CHURCH ?..
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
And I wanted to stay with you guys.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
As we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
Were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
When the four-year-old son ran up to him,
Grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
Where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' th e son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied..
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR
This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires'. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA ....
MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
A man goes into a brothel & says "I want to be totally humiliated"!
the "madam" says "certainly sir that will be £37.50"
"What do I get for that" he says
"a replica England World Cup shirt" says the madam!
:D ;D :D ;D :D ;D
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - £ 250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - £ 750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a £ 1,000..'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'..
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: ; It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
PRICELESS
http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/43VmBo4tof3pMrjM
minflok f16 stajt uzajt helicopter int taf xi jfisser ;D ;D ;D
dak adda issa nixtieq nitla fuq fighter jet :)
kemm gejtu helwin inti u kalang fuq il bank LOL
jien il mara ? >:(
la toqodlok :)
Fishfinder the terminator ;D ;D
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.
"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to
the ship. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our
fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a
few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat
everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad,
why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and
around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without
the shit inside!"
lool mela the valletta windsurfer had intestinal problems cause the shark spent 45 mins circling him :P
hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not exactly a joke but a very interesting question. A man goes into a shop and points at something in the shop and asks how much are they? The shop keeper replies, If you buy one it costs one euro, if you buy ten it costs two euros and if you buy a hundred it costs three euros. What was he buying? PM me the answer. Back to Malta on Sunday.
politicians!
Door numbers?
Blueskip was correct
Ikea have announced a new flooring product exclusively for lesbians.
"No screwing, its all tongue & groove" :D
Quote from: blueskip on August 29, 2010, 22:06:01 CET
Ikea have announced a new flooring product exclusively for lesbians.
"No screwing, its all tongue & groove" :D
LMAO :)
4 gays were driving along in a car & when they stopped at the traffic lights a lorry ran into the back of them. The gay driver got out & went back to the lorry to talk to the driver, "look at the damage to my car you clumsy sod, that's going to cost me a fortune to get fixed, you can pay for that!"
"Kiss my arse" said the lorry driver, so the gay driver went back to the car & said to the gay passengers, "I will be a while, we have settled out of court"! ::)
A Husband takes his wife to play her first
game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot
right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be
careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and
see how much your lousy drive is going
to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and
knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the
damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique
bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are
you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about
that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. A ctually I
want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in
that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm
allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you
don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said.
He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a
year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've
got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long,
healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie
asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete
with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And
your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural
disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison,
what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that
bottle and haven't been with a woman in more tha n a thousand years, my
wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said,
"Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses.
What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and
said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I
wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said
the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs
where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. After
about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked
directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she res ponded
breathlessly.
"No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five
years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds,
so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.
Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't' have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there?
When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash.
That was what probably was making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said. "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.
She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the parish," the younger doctor told her.
"Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct,
but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it,
I noticed the priest under the bed."
A Newfie Feels the Pain
A drunk Newfie gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts." The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it.
"You'll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high"
An American, an Englishman and a Indian went for a hike one day. It was very hot.
They were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake, they took
off all their clothes and jumped into the water since it was fairly secluded
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom".
As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Englishman quickly used
their hands to cover their privates. But the Indian covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the American and the
Englishman asked the Indian why he covered his Face rather than his private part
The Indian replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize."
A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine, who is sitting by herself.
Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'
Maxine: 'No, they spread!' ::)
http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/mYHH6DuZdzKkVV2x
lol lol il listra kif fqajtni ;D ;D.....Edric il Lupu, Censu il vampire u jien il Mara hejjjjj :-[.....f@@@ kemm gh@@@k!
jiena qadt fuq parir professjonali ta siehbek. Ma nafx imma hekk jied fuqek 8)
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Ija ija hekk qed jghid......ha noqod kwiet ara ma iridx inkun hammallu! ;)
http://www.timesofmalta.com/articles/view/20101028/local/streaker-runs-into-marsaxlokk-church
Men and fish are alike. They both get into trouble when they open their mouths.
Jimmy D Moore
A beautiful young Maltese woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to America tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to America , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he would bring her sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.
"He brings me food and I get a free trip to America . Plus he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Gozo Ferry"....
For sure he was a "Gozitan"
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'
'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating
that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible,' said the man'. And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life.'
'Where's Lawrence Gonzi's clock?' asked the man.
'Gonzi's clock is in Jesus' office..
He's using it as a ceiling fan.
Subject: Deaf Sex
Two deaf people get married and during the first
week of marriage they find that they are unable to
communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes, 'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.'
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes
back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.
If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.
Subject: How to call the police
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'
(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!
Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 4-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, a baby boy was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. The baby began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 4-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place . . . Smack his ass again!'
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Nudist Colony Rules
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'
The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.
'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, bent him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.
'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'
'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'
;D ;D ;D nice one tony. ;D ;D ;D
Welcome mate
Roger , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old .
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
PS.. Have I sent this to you already?
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and the prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
:-[
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
You know I wouldn't send anything rude
BE HAPPY EVERY ONE!
The Princess could also touch Water!, or any other liquid for that matter!
Gaffer .. melting is the process of change of phase from solid to liquid! so liquid can never be the starting state of phase :) ..
Just not to be too serious i'll post a joke too :
At primary school the teacher was asking the kiddies where does the light go when we switch it off? Nobody knew .. except little johnny who proudly lifted his hand up. He told the teacher that light always goes in his mother's mouth when switched off. Nobody understood anything but then he clarified that he had heard several times his father tell his mother .. Switch off the light and put it in your mouth..! :) :)
keep 'em coming
ok little Johhny jokes.......I like them
The teacher asked 'When we die which part of us goes to heaven first?'
One little cute girl said the Hearth......teacher asked why.......because the hearth is pure.. replied the little girl
Another boy said the brain.......teacher asked why......because it has pure thoughts..replied the boy.......
little Johnny had his had up all this time but the teacher was wary finally she asked little Johnny.........Its the legs Miss........the teacher thought hard, as she knew that Johnny always comes up with strange things finally she found the courage to ask WHY.........Well last night I was passing my parents room and I heard mum shouting "God I am coming'' I looked in and mum had her feet high up in the air......good thing Dad was on top, pushing her down.........
the teacher fainted
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'
The husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo0.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box..
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, 'Magic Penis, my crotch.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my ass....!'
The rest, as they say, is history.
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The older one leaned over and said, ''Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!''
''You're on!'' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
''What happened?'' asked her waiting friend.
''I won $1000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'.''
A Newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like Newfies.
The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its ass, and said, 'This duck ain't from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, boy?' The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its ass, and said,'This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?' The Newfie reached into wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its ass, and said, 'This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?' Again the Newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Newfie, 'Just where the hell are you from?'
The Newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, 'You tell me, you're the expert.'
ta veru prosit name,
whats the name of the bee that produces milk............................boobee
Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
The last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
Immediately take the words back...
Or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
And asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men 's balls .
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
Passed by a store that sold a
Variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
My sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
My toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
Her after receiving looks of disgust
And annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked
My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then realized that Danny
Had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
And he said 'No' .
I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ?This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks
And yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
In the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
Turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
But half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
and remember
we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak!!!!!
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink..
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(You gotta love this)
/
/
/ /
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
Fr thos who are 60 and over as I am..
Reasons to be glad you are getting older:
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
"divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.' ( Keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, " Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.... "
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use paper from the photocopier," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
(Brunette, by the way!!)
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, "I just gave him some ant killer...." Dispatcher: "Rush him in to emergency!"
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh...it is all true.
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask,"did I wake you?"
5 There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
6.Things you buy now won't wear out.
7 You can live without sex but not your glasses.
8. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
9. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room
10. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
11. And you notice these are all in Simple Print for your convenience.
Ghal Maltin ..Grupp ta' nisa waqt coffee morning fis-sala tal-Kappillan :
Wahda mara qabditha l-'Gasket flu' – Gastric flu
L-ohra ftahret li r-ragel wahhlilha l- 'Intercourse in every room' – Intercom in every room
Wahda ohra marret tixtri l- 'Ghost Cheese' – Goats' Cheese
Ohra qalet li hi 'l aktar li tiggosta huwa l-'Yoghurt tal-Kliewi' – Youghurt tal-Kiwi
Ohra riedet id-'De fuckinated coffee' – Decaffinated Coffee
Xi hadd staqsa ghall-gelat 'Strawberry Nipples' – Strawberry Ripple
Ohra kellha ugigh ta' ras u riedet 'Panadol tat 250 miles per gallon' – Panadaol tat-250mg
Meta siefret marret tara l-'Kastell ta' hand grenade' (Kastell ta Henry VIII), Piccalilli Circle (Piccadilly Circus) u marret ukoll ghand 'Self Raising' (Selfridges)
loool illejla nahseb jimxi id defuckinated coffee :D
and a baguette with the ghost cheese ;)
Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea
tasted Salty?!
Why is it that a girl looks down when u say I love u?
....To see if u really mean it!
Why is sex similar to shaving?
....because no matter how well u do it today,tomorrow u have to do it again.
Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.
Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-olympic sex .
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.
The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?
... Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fucked!
This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan:
....We stare because we care!
The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.
.....the Lord Almighty sentenced them to : Hang Till Death !
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window..
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of a standing cock.
If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana split.
What's the diff between a bomb n a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of a standing cock.
If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana split.
What's the diff between a bomb n a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.
===========
A STORY FROM THE BACKBLOCKS of QUEENSLAND
A Queensland farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked.
"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?
"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"?
"He went with Mum and Dad.."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely..
"I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one.
Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably,
"I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.."
The boy considered for a moment.
"You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig,
but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."
Complaints from Council House Owners. These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
8. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant
10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
14. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC 2.
New Panties
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never heard the gunshot
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)
Scientists at Rolls Royce, England built a gun specifically to launch dead
chickens at the wind shields of airliners and military jets all travelling
at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne
fowl to test the strength of the wind shields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
Wind shields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled
out of the barrel, crashed into the shatter-proof shield, smashed it to
smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's
back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an
arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the wind shield and begged the
British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
Larry gets home late one night and his wife
Linda says "Where the hell have you been?"
Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo!", she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates", he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking!", she said, shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed
on his privates?"
"Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you
going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred
bucks anytime you want."
Larry is in the Hospital, room 233.
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
At 5:30 that afternoon, his 11 year old son, Tommy, returned home from school two hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked his mother, Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called "Girls, Girls."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"
The Black Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything ... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Yellow Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off ", came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "Why are you here?"
The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Black Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
;D ;D ;D
The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
Two free divers go spear fishing. They shoot a lot of fish and
return to the shore.
The first one says, "I hope you remember the spot where we
caught all those fish."
The other answers, "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the
boat to mark the spot."
"You idiot!" cries the first, "How do you know we will get the
same boat tomorrow?"
jumejn ohra hekk ha nispiccaw!
http://fotosa.ru/stock_photo/Fancy%20by%20Veer/p_2702909.jpg
be careful caldaland as they will start thinking of imposing a tax on that as well......keep it hush hush
What Confucius Didn't Say -
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally we dicovered what CONFUCIUS MIGHT WELL HAVE SAID. . ..
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1, you have to be single and
2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'
http://youtu.be/IpollSJgv1g
Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? asked Jane's best friend. "Why shouldn't I?" said Jane. "Well, maybe he is having an affair?" "No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."
Screams of Passion
the Italian fellow said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her
body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I
made her scream, non stop for five minutes."
The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body
with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I
made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Maltese said: "That's nothing!!!. Last night I massaged my wife
man,you know-
all over her body with a special butter.
I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and
I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours?
phenomenal!
How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Maltese: replied Ostra "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
On an Air Malta flight from Gatwick to Luqa a blonde got up from economy & went & sat in First Class, she was asked to move by the cabin crew but refused!
The stewardess went to the pilots & asked them to radio ahead for the police to be there when they landed to take the blonde into custody. The co-pilot said "leave this to me I am married to a blonde & I speak blonde", he went up to the blonde & whispered something in her ear, she got up said "Thank you very much" & went & sat back in her seat in economy.
The cabin crew asked what he had said to her to get her to move when they had failed, & he said that he told her that First Class wasn't going to Luqa! ::)
MALTESE Technology
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet. A story was subsequently published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of copper wire 250 years old, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network -- 50 years earlier than the British."
One week later, the Times of Malta reported: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in BIRZEBBUGIA a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Casey has concluded that 250 years ago, MALTA had already gone wireless."
Makes you bloody proud to be Maltese ........
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat,
and one says to the other, "I hear that the people
in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling,
"Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk
towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers......
"What part did you get?"
John Murphy hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
________________________________________
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
________________________________________
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
________________________________________
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
________________________________________
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
________________________________________
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
________________________________________
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
________________________________________
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
John I am slowly getting there.... thanks for reminding me :)PPPP
In an alcohol factory the regular wine taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him anyway.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
A third glass.
''It's champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father!"
GHAND IL PERIT
Koppja li kienu qed jahsbu biex jizzewgu marru ghand perit biex
jghamillhom il-pjanta tad-dar u japplikallhom ghall-permessi etc. etc..
Wara li il-perit wriehom xi pjanti li kellu lesti l-gharus qallu li
Ma ghogbu xejn minnhom.
" Tajjeb mela xkellek f'mohhok, perezempju il-kamra tas-sodda kif
tixtieqa?"
"Tonda"
"U l-kamra tal-banju?"
"Tonda"
"U l-kcina?"
"Tonda"
"U s-salott?"
"Tond"
"Skuzi ta, imma hekk ser ikollok hafna hela, hemm xi raguni
Ghala trid kollox tond?"
"Ghax il-kunjata qalet li la tixjieh anke f'ROKNA toqghod!!!"
Have a good laugh...the little boy was brilliant!
AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Giuseppe Pagano ?
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Guseppe, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to repent.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Giuseppe walks back to his friends, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and the names of five good girls.'
Tajba din.
An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.
Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!
Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!
Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!"
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde,"we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the ottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"
A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious.
The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH"
"What fish?" the man asked.
One day, two guys Joe and Bob were out fishing. A funeral service passes over the bridge they're fishing by, and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does this until the funeral service passes by.
Joe then said "Gee Bob, I didn't know you had it in you!"
Bob then replies " It's the least I could do. After all I was married to her for the last 30 years."
Good ones robby017
Gurnata qabel ir-referendum ghall-Ewropa, Toni dar fuq Mary u qalla " Mer, ara li tivvota IVA ghax jekk nidhlu fl-unjoni nsiru nies."
"Halli f'idi Ton." Nsomma, ir-referendum ghadda, dhalna fl-unjoni u Toni mar xtara zewg containers, mela wiehed bis-saqqijiet u l-iehor bil-qliezet ta'taht tan-nisa.
"Mer, jien ghall-Italja, ha mmur inbigh dawn iz-zewg containers u narak 4 gimghat ohra."
Ghadew l-erba gimghat u Toni wasal lura b'dahqa minn widna sa widna...."X'ghidtlek Mer, bihejt kollox u f'erba gimghat qlajt LM2000."
"Mela qlajt ghalqa wkoll. Jien f'erba gimghat, b'saqqu wiehed u bla qalziet ta'taht qlajt LM4000."
Paddy and Mary went to marriage counseling after 25 years.
The therapist asked what the problem was.
Mary had a list - neglect, loneliness, felt unloved.
The therapist asked Mary to stand, he unbuttoned her blouse,
caressed her breasts and kissed her passionately.
"This is what your wife needs three times a week.
Can you do this Paddy?"
Paddy thought for a second and said "I could drop her here
Monday and Wednesday, but I go fishing on Friday's."
Tajba din.
Lighten up guys, this is a classic !!
A 7yr old and a 4yr old are in their bedroom. "you know what", says the 7yr old, "I think its time we started swearing. When we go down for breakfast I'll go first then you", OK says the 4yr old.
Mum asks the 7yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'll have the coco pops bitch!".
WHACK, and the 7yr old flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4yr old and said sternly, "and what do you want?", to which the 4yr old replies "dunno, but it won't be bloody coco pops!"
Postman Pat's Last Day:
It was Postman Pat's
last day on the job after
35 years of carrying the mail
through all kinds of weather
to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first
house on his route,
he was greeted by the whole
family there, who all hugged
and congratulated him and
sent him on his way with a
cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented
him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed
him a bottle of 15-year old
Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was
met at the door by a dumb
blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and
led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind
with the most passionate love
he had ever experienced.
When they went downstairs,
the blonde fixed him a full
English breakfast: Bacon,
Eggs, Sausage & Tomato
with freshly squeezed orange juice.
As she was pouring him a cup of
steaming coffee,
he noticed a quid coin in the saucer.
'All this was just too wonderful for words,'
he said, 'but what's the quid for?'
'Well,' said the dumb blonde,
'Last night, I told my husband that
today would be your last day and
that we should do something special
for you'.
'I asked him what I should give you'.
He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a quid.'
She smiled shyly and said,
'The breakfast was my idea.'
Four men have been going fishing for many years.
This year, Ron's wife put her foot down and told him he wasn't going.
Bitterly disappointed, he phoned and told the others that he couldn't go.
Two days later, the others arrived at the camping site, only to find Ron
sitting there with a tent already set up.
"Ron, how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading "Fifty Shades Of Grey,"
she dragged me into the bedroom.
On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
Then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, here I am!
haha, the new version of this joke :) nice one maltembu :) keep them coming
Hehe tajba din.
HAHAHA nice one!
seems that this post had been forgotten any jokes ? :)
Here you go ;)
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
Good one....oh for the younger generation "Camel" was a brand of cigarettes. We used to have Camel, Three Cats, Guards etc etc I am forgetting the brands already.....beautiful coloured packets...
bristol were the worse!
Camel are not in production anymore??
they still are.