Jokes!

[The_Gaffer]

No problem mate. Its just that the forum is moving ahead, and gaining a lot of popularity both locally and overseas, and we can't allow material which might be deemed offensive.

[ramio]

Sunday Morning Sex


I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.


Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday
morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and
even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'


She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be
alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along'.

[ramio]

A  mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for  speeding...

Older  Woman:  Is there a problem, Officer?   
Officer:  Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older  Woman:  Oh, I see.

Officer:  Can I see your license please?

Older  Woman:  I'd give it to you but I don't have one. 

Officer:  Don't have one?

Older  Woman:  Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. 

Officer:  I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. 

Older  Woman:  I can't do that.

Officer:  Why not?

Older  Woman:  I stole this car.

Officer:  Stole it?

Older  Woman:  Yes, and I killed and hacked up the  owner. 

Officer:  You what?

Older  Woman:  His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see 

The Officer looks at the  woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.  Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer  slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. 

Officer  2:  Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle  please! The  woman steps out of her vehicle. 

Older  woman:  Is there a problem sir?

Officer  2:  One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and  murdered the owner.

Older  Woman:  Murdered the owner? 

Officer  2:  Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,  please.

The  woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty  trunk. 

Officer  2:  Is this your car, ma'am?

Older  Woman:  Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite  stunned. 

Officer  2:  One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. 

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch  purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the  license. He looks quite puzzled. 

Officer  2:  Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a  license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked  up the owner.

Older  Woman:  Bet the liar told you I was speeding,  too. 

[LapsiBoy]

LoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooL Tajba din !!

[mulett75]

ITALIAN  Mafia PHILOSOPHY!!!

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed!

'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.'

'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?'

'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos'

'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to your watch and say 'Times up'?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[noztheviking]

Paddy asks Murphy why do Skuba divers fall off their boats backwards? Murphy replies, you thick wassock Paddy if they fell forwards they would still be on the chuffing BOAT

[gary hearn]

A Flat Stomach

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him..

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.'

'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'

[Destination Sea]

Why I fired my Secretary.
Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."



 


After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turnedto me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'mgoing to step into the bedroom
forjust a moment.
I'll beright back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
anddozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".


And I just sat there...



On the couch...



Naked.

[ramio]

Golfing with your Wife

A  man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his  throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one
of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and  sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it -  stuck right in the middle of the
cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks
like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'

[ggantno1]

Good jokes guys I really enjoy reading them !!!! keep them coming!!!

[visa]

good one ramio

[fish-noob]

hahah mundinu, soo true and predictible

[noztheviking]

One day Donald Duck takes Daisey Duck for a dirty weekend in Malta That night at the hotel Donald rings down to reception and asks for a three pack of condoms. To which the receptionist, replies would you like them on your bill Mister DUCK. tO WHICH  Donald says dont be chuffing stupid Id suffocate

[fishfinder]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200

in about 3 seconds.
'I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started...

[fish-noob]

hahaha good ones ....