Jokes!

[The_Gaffer]

Great joke man!

[fishfinder]

Good joke Camkev. keep them coming

[camkev]

Mirror mirror on the door

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun."

The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic."

"Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing.

"What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!"

"That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bedroom American Football

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says "seven points."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie, score."

After about ten minutes later he old man farts again and says, Touchdown I'm ahead 14 to 7.

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining real hard the old man tries so hard he poops in the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Perfect Man

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.

The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very load voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here... you want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"

All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation...and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.

It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading: "keep off the grass."

After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, ?You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker.?

Janet responded, ?Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's ?politically correct? for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.?

Hillary asked, ?Well,... how do you deal with the problem??

?Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can.?

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him! She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolled over and asked, ?Janet, is that you??

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Messing With The Sheiks' Women

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting freaky with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a cop," said the first man.

"Then we will shoot your dick off!" said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen," said the second man.

"Then we will burn your dick off!" said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

The third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A: What do you call a gay man's scrotum?
Q: Mud flaps!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking around his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes.

One of the old villagers came up to him and said. "Good morning, Vicar, how be you and the wife?"

The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also. I left her in bed smoking."

The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Four kinds of Sex

The first is Smurf Sex - This happens during the honeymoon period of a relationship, you keep doing it and doing it, until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex - This is at the beginning of your marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, anyplace, even in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex - You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have had some kids, so you have to do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is

Hallway Sex - This is where you pass each other in the hallway, look each other in the eye and say, ?F@CK YOU!?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Penis Size

TRUE FACT:
Male sperm (Y) swim faster and die sooner than female sperm (X), because female sperm contain heavier genetic material, which slows them down but allows them to live longer.

THEREFORE:
Males with longer penises tend to produce more male offspring because they deposit the sperm closer to the egg and Y sperm cells win the "sprint." Males with shorter penises tend to have more female offspring because sperm is deposited further from the egg, Y sperm die off thus allowing X sperm to win the "marathon."

CONCLUSION:
Look at your family. This tells you whether or not your father had a big
one.

(That's why i have 2 boys and my father had 3 boys!!!!!!)

[The_Gaffer]

So that's why I have 3 sons!!!!...always wondered why!!!!

[benri]

......Now we're going personal..... I have 2 girls   

[shanook]

i am with u benri 2 girls...........do dogs count?

[bigboy]

Good one boys (Kevin tarax kbir ax taqa an nejk )

[fishfinder]

guys next Friday we will bring the measuring tape and we will solve this issue no problem.

The biggest will pay for everyone

[bigboy]

Haha good one

[camkev]

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "But why?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight." 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three Men And A Baby" What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!" 

[ramio]

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
 
Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with
fear."
 
Lion says: "if I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."
 
Says the chicken: "big deal, I only have to cough, and the entire planet
sh**'s itself."

**************************
A few Days off

I decided that I needed a few days off and realized that I had run out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy, thinking he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.
I came in to work early the next day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde-it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I was doing.
"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."
A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.
"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."
With that, I jumped down and started walking out.
My blonde coworker started following me and the Boss asked where she was going.
"I can't work in the dark," she said.

***************************
A man and an ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the
man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again.  "The usual?" asks
the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will
be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with
the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for
a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

**************************************
A ventriloquist

   A ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting in his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welsh man "Can I talk to your dog?"

>> >Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."

>> >Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

>> >Dog: "Doing all right."

>> >Villager: (look of extreme shock)

>> >Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

>> >Dog: "Yep"

>> >Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

>> >Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

>> >Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

>> >Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

>> >Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."

>> >Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

>> >Horse: "Cool"

>> >Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

>> >Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

>> >Horse: "Yep"

>> >Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

>> >Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

>> >Villager: (total look of amazement)

>> >Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

>> >Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f**king liar!

[ramio]

Read this one guys, and if it doesn't make you cry with laughter tell me next Friday:

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY

ARTERY  - - - - - - - - - The Study of Paintings
BACTERIA  - - - - - - - Back Door of a Cafeteria
BARIUM  - - -  What Doctors Do When Patients Die
BOWEL   - - - - - A Letter Like A. E. I. 0 or U.
CAESARIAN SECTION  - - - A Neighbourhood in Rome
CAT SCAN  - - - - - - - - -   Searching for Kitty
CAUTERISE  - - --- - - Made Eye-Contact With Her
COMA  - - - - - - - - - - - -  A Punctuation Mark
D & C   - - - - - - - - - - - Where Washington Is
DILATE  - - - - - - - - - - - - -  To Live Longer
ENEMA   - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  Not A Friend
FESTER  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -   Quicker
FIBULA  - - - - - - - - - - - - - -   A Small Lie
GENITAL  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  Not A Jew
G. I. SERIES  - - - - - - - -  A Soldier Ballgame
HANGNAIL  - - - - - - - - - - - - - -   Coat Hook
IMPOTENT  - - - - - -   Distinguished, Well-Known
LABOUR PAIN  - - - - - - -   Getting Hurt At Work
MEDICAL STAFF  - - - - - - - - - -   Doctors Cane
MORBID  - - - - - - - - --- - - -  A Higher Offer
NITRATES  - - - - - - - -  Cheaper Than Day Rates
NODE  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  Was Aware Of
OUTPATIENT  - - - - - -  A Person Who Has Fainted
PAP SMEAR  - - - - - - - - - -  A Fatherhood Test
PELVIS  - - - - - - - - - - -   A Cousin To Elvis
RECOVERY ROOM  - - - - -   Place To Do Upholstery
RECTUM  - - - - - - - - - Bloody Near Killed Them
SECRETION  - - - - - - - - - -   Hiding Something
SEIZURE  - - - - - - - - - - - - -  Roman Emperor
TABLET  - - - - - - - - - - - - -   A Small Table
TERMINAL ILLNESS - -  Getting Sick At The Airport
TUMOUR   - - - - - - - - - - - - -  More Than One
URINE   - - - - - - - - -   Opposite Of You?re Out
VARICOSE  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  Nearby
VEIN  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -   Conceited

[shanook]

ramio I just hope for ur sake that there wont be any Irishman at the BBQ otherwise u are in DEEP SHIT man

[ramio]

If He cannot laugh at that one I'll tell him a couple of maltese jokes.

now try these ones, I'm off to sleep. Good night.

First aid

   A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

   The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball
Headed directly towards a group of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his
hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to
roll around in evident agony.

   The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained: "I'm a physical therapist. Please allow me to help. I Know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me." "Ummph, oooh, nooo, I'll be alright.....I'll be fine in a few minutes", He replied breathlessly as he remained in the foetal  position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

   But she felt so guilty that she continued to insist on helping him.
The man finally relented: "Well, if you really think it would do
some good....." She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
side; she loosened His pants, and she put her hands inside and began
to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"

   To which he replied: "Bloody brilliant, but my thumb still hurts
like hell."

*********************************************
Good manners

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the  students:

"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young Lady, how  would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go pee."

"That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be Right back."

That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word 'Bathroom' at the dinner table.

And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted....

***********************************************
Meaning of the word ?Tragedy?

President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the
classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the
word "tragedy."
 
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of
a "tragedy."
 
One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend,
who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over
and kills him, that would be a tragedy." " No," said Bush, "that would be
an  accident."
 
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50
children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a
tragedy."
 
'I'm afraid not." explained the president. "That's what we would
call a great  loss."
 
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
 
Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can
give me an example of tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a small boy
raised his  hand.
 
In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying Mr. Bush
was struck by  a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that
would be a tragedy."
 
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you
tell me why  that would be a tragedy?"
 
"Well," says the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either".

**********************
Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.  Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.  She motors out a short distance, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.  He pulls up alongsidethe woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am.  What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment.  For all I know you couldstart at any moment.  "I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you, " says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment.  For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

********************************
Taxi Driver


A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus,
went up on
the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver
said,
"Look
mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of
me!"
Thepassenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a littletap
would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really
your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a
funeral van for the last 25 years."

[camkev]

RUDE JOKES BEWARE


A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.

She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"

He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."

She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."

St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."

She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that." <<...

----------

What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats? Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

----------

Why do hippos do their romancing underwater? You know how hard it is to keep a five-hundred pound pussy wet? <<...

----------

A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."

So, he gets a cup of coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other guy says, "No. You can have it."

The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

----------

How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean.
---------