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Author Topic: Jokes!  (Read 102978 times)
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The_Gaffer
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« on: September 25, 2008, 12:30:23 CET »

Nick, most of the international fishing forums have a dedicated section for jokes, normally called Just for laughs....what do you think....
I will reproduce some of the best jokes I've come accross, courtesy of Pakula.com.....
1st Joke


Subject: Men Have Better Friends

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called
his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife
that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her
husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept
over and two said that he was still there.

You gotta love your mates
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« Reply #1 on: September 25, 2008, 12:35:50 CET »

2nd Joke

9 Words women use

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F**CK YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
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« Reply #2 on: September 25, 2008, 12:37:16 CET »

3rd Joke
Two mates (Mal and Leon) are out fishing at their favorite fishing spot, just fishing quietly and drinking a few beers.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mal says,

"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Leon continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,

"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
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« Reply #3 on: September 25, 2008, 12:38:10 CET »

Joe, the off topic section isn't very full so perhaps for the time being we can continue to use that for jokes.
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« Reply #4 on: September 25, 2008, 12:40:40 CET »

4th joke....this one'll blow your mind off!!!!

Crazy Facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head
off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
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« Reply #5 on: September 25, 2008, 12:45:30 CET »

....and last, but certainly by no means least....
we have the classic il-maltin mhawnx bhalhom....

Maltese - Wisest of all breeds!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An office manager from Wal-Mart in Toronto, Canada was given the
task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine  which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man from England on his right, the man
replied, "A THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no
warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the
fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.. "And now you sir?"
he asked the second man from Italy.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't
know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know
of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a
very popular clich? for speed." He then turned to the third man
from Calgary, Canada who was contemplating his reply.

Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant.

Yep,

TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The
interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man from Malta,
the interviewer posed the same question.

The last man [Maltese] replied, "After hearing the three previous
answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is
DIARRHEA."

WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the Maltese man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants.

The Maltese Got the Job.
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« Reply #6 on: September 25, 2008, 13:05:33 CET »

Could not resist this one too.....

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was
admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water,and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
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« Reply #7 on: September 25, 2008, 13:17:32 CET »

This is a classic!!!!

Subject: Four married guys go fishing.........

Four married guys go fishing.

After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy:

"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this
weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the
house next weekend."


Second guy:

"That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new
deck for the pool."

Third guy:

"Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will
remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realised that the fourth guy has not
said a word. So they asked him.

"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
 
Fourth guy:

"I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear sun-block."
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« Reply #8 on: September 25, 2008, 16:43:23 CET »

this was sent to me by VISA

Married couple:

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple  is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find  themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting  for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder:

Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.


St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.   Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months

 passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited,  they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven,  what was the eternal aspect of it all.  'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns,

 looking somewhat bedraggled.

 

'Yes, you can get married in Heaven.' he informs the couple,   

'Great, but we were just wondering,  what if things don't work out?' said the couple.  'Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!',  'It took me three months to find a priest up here!  St. Peter shouts.  'Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?'

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« Reply #9 on: September 25, 2008, 17:04:14 CET »

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your a**!"
"AMEN," replied the congregation.
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Il-Huwt hu jaqbdek u mhux inti taqbdu :P


« Reply #10 on: September 26, 2008, 15:37:53 CET »

Ahahahaahah loool nice topic guys Cheesy Cheesy:D
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« Reply #11 on: September 27, 2008, 12:28:19 CET »

Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex
When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
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Fishing,fishing ,fishing thats all i think about.
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« Reply #12 on: September 27, 2008, 12:30:26 CET »

The Fishing Groom
A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.

He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.

"I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife."

"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."

"Well, what about anal sex?"

"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."

"There is always oral sex."

"Nope, she has pyorrhea."

"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?"

"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"
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Fishing,fishing ,fishing thats all i think about.
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« Reply #13 on: September 27, 2008, 12:39:06 CET »

2 good ones camkev
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bigboy
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« Reply #14 on: September 27, 2008, 12:48:17 CET »

The second was a blast kev hahaj
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