Jokes!

[robby017]

Adam  & God 
                                           
   
 

God  said, 'Adam, I Want you to do  Something for  Me.'

Adam  said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?' 

God  said, 'Go down Into that  valley.'

Adam  said, 'What's a Valley?'

God  explained it to Him.  Then  God said, 'Cross the river.'

Adam  said, 'What's a River?' 

God  explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the  hill....' 

Adam  said, 'What is a Hill?'

So,  God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told  Adam, 'On The other side of the Hill you will find a  Cave.'

Adam  said, 'What's a Cave?' 

After  God explained, He said, 'In the cave You will find a  woman.'

Adam  said, 'What's a Woman?' 

So  God explained That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I  Want you to Reproduce.'

Adam  said, 'How do I do that?' 

God  first said (under His breath),  'Geez.....' 

And  then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to  Adam, as well. 

So, Adam goes down Into  the valley, Across the river, and Over the hill,  into the Cave, and finds the Woman.

Then, in  about five Minutes, he was back.

God,  His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is  it Now?'

And Adam  said....

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'What's  a headache?'

[robby017]

It was entertainment night at the old people's home. Claude the Hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to
Hypnotize each and every member of the audience."


The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique Pocket watch from his coat "I want you each to keep your eye on this Antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six Generations".


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly Chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."


The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light Gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the Swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and Fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.



"SH!T" said the Hypnotist.





It took three days to clean up the old people's home!

[camkev]

 

[Jonathan]

You really must watch this one guys!

http://www.flixxy.com/best-fisherman-bloopers.htm

[OKUMA-1976]

really funny and he's stupid

[blueskip]

A wife was helping her husband set up his computer & he was getting bored, it got to the stage when it said "enter password" seeing as he was getting bored & feeling a bit amorous, his wife said "enter something you will easily remember", with his wife peering over his shoulder he thought to himself I will give her a hint here, so he types.
P
E
N
I
S
His wife bursts out laughing when the computer comes back with the message "password too small please try again"

[name]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like  Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?  He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.  'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'         
So I wrote down:



ID10T  

I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

[name]

   Two Gay Guys are walking through a Zoo. 
    

   

   They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.  The gay men are fascinated by this. 
    
   One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it.
   The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for two hours non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by. 
    
   When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.  An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. 
    
   A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?' 
    
   'AM I HURT?' he shouts; 
    
   'Wouldn't you be?.............he hasn't called....he hasn't written....'

[robby017]

The stranded Irishman








One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway,

Ahh "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!

[robby017]

 A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on
the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,

standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.


"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"


He slams the door and returns to bed.


"Who was that?" asked his wife..


"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.


"Did you help him?" she asks.


"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain
out  there!"


"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you

Remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys
helped us?


I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of
yourself!"


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


"Yes," comes back the answer.


"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.


"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[robby017]

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"

Roy replied: "Wrong room.."

[camkev]

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

[name]

A  mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.   The
cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and  take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the  Garage.

"Hey,  Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The  cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked  over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The  mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and  ask,

"So  Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out, repair  any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just  like new.

So  how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks
($1,695,759) when you and  I are doing basically the same  work?"

The  cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

"Try  doing it with the engine running."

[name]

What Causes Arthritis

A drunken man who smelled of alcohol sat down on a subway next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say
Father, what causes arthritis ?'

The priest replies, 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' then returned
to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized.

'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis ?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does.'

MORAL:  Make sure you understand the question before offering the
answer.

[name]

A retired gentleman went to Centrelink Office to apply for the Age Pension. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's  license
to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

'I will have to go home and come back later.' he said.

The woman says, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.

She says, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me', and she processed his Age Pension application.

When he returned home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Centrelink office.

She says, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got the Disability Pension too!'