Jokes!

[camkev]

Q: How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?

A: Who knows -- it's never been done.

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Q: Why don't women need watches?

A: Because there's a clock on the stove.

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Q: Why is it when a man talks nasty to a women it's sexual harassment.
A: But when a women talks nasty to a man it's $3.99 a minute.

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Q: What do you call a women who knows where her husband is each night?
A: widow.


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Q: Why can you never trust a woman?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and does not die?

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[name]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and
ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug.  Do you want a bed near the window?"

[robby017]

DIARY: DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.


DIARY: DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.


DIARY: DAY 3

At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DIARY:DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DIARY: DAY 5

Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DIARY: DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives.
Twice.

[name]

Men's Logic

A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.
The Problem was who should get custody of the child.
The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought The child into the world with all the pain and labor.
The child Should be in my custody."
The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense?"
The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose. "Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out...

Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?"

[maltembu]

A teenage boy had just got his driver's license and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son:

'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said,

'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't got your hair cut.'

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.

'To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?   

[Destination Sea]

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
 
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
 
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
 
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
 
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
 
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
 
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
 
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
 
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
 
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
 
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
 
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
 
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
 
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
 
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
 
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
 
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
 
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
 
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
 
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
 
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
 
What happened?'
 
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning ..... today you voted.'
 

[name]

A man enters a barbershop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

[maltembu]

A  SCOTSMAN walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and  says...
"Honey,  this is the cow I  make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and  says,
"If you weren't such an idiot,  you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous  bitch,
you'd realize  I was talking to the sheep."

[name]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel ' s ear and she said, ' ' Mabel, do you know you ' ve got a suppository in your left ear? '

Mabel answered, ' I have a suppository in my ear? '

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, ' Ethel, I ' m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid. '

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When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, ' You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea. '

Replied the widow, ' I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was. '

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An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn ' t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: ' Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . .. please advise. '

The old man faxed back: ' Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap. '

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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, ' Watch that wall! '

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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, ' I have a 22 year old husband at home He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee. '

I said, ' Well, then why are you crying? '

She said, ' He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon. ' (scoll)

I said, ' Well, why are you crying? '

She said, ' For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. '

I said, ' Well, why in the world would you be crying? '

She said, ' I can ' t remember where I live! '

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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ' Now don ' t get mad at me. I know we ' ve been friends for a long time.....but I just can ' t think of your name! I ' ve thought and thought, but I can ' t remember it. Please tell me what your name is. '

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, ' How soon do you need to know? '

[camkev]

Three women from Valletta were talking over a coffee at the Premier about their love lives...
Phyllis said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
Michelle said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
Katie said, "Mine is like an old VW. It needs a hand start, and I have to jump on while it's still going."
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Three sailors stopped in Malta for 3 day shore leave after 9 months on the water without seeing a woman for a while.Having nothing on their mind but women, they decided to visit Strada Stretta in the city but they had a bit of a problem, one had 10 Pounds,one had 20 Pounds and the other had 30 Pounds.
Anyway they pushed the guy with 10 Pounds in first and the job was done in 10 minutes. When he came out his mates ran up to him asking what he got, and the he said " It was worth every minute of it mate!!.She played with my Dick for 5 minutes and then she slipped a Pineapple ring around it and ate it off.!"

The guy with 20 Pounds went in and was out after 15 minutes. His mate with 30 Pounds eagerly asked him what he got, and he replied, " Mate, what an experience!!. She played with my old fellow for a while then she slipped 2 Pineapple rings around it and ate them off."

The last one did not waste any time and went in, but he was out after 7 minutes. His mates ran up to him asking why he was out in such a short time. And he replied," I got my money's worth, she played with my donger for a while then she slipped 3 Pineapple rings around it, filled the gaps with whipped cream and topped it up with a cherry, it looked so good I ate it myself."

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A teacher at an English school in Sliema notices that little Johnny, at the back of the class, is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy.
The teacher has him go down to the principal's office to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it.

He does this, returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom," she says.

"I did," he says, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon she'd come and pick me up from school."


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L-istorja ta' Leli u r-rizzi wara l-mawra tieghu l-Munxar!
(Bid-djalett Zejtuni:-)!
Dmewh sa xerred imme bid-dehk....

Rizzi gebt bumli xkura tal-patuta tal-25 kilo,emminni gebt iktar minn 50 jew 60 tuzzuna,kijf wasalt il-munxur kienu kwuzii s-sitte u nofs u kijf nizzelt saqajja ga l-ilme hessejt qalbi bejn snieni daqs kemm kien kieseh,imme minhebbe it-tifle ma qaght inqijs xejn u ntfajt,mite gejt biex nitla l-ixkura kienet tqila wesq u emmini ma batajtx narfa l-vura l-kbire milli dik l-ixkura rizzi, spallti taqqbitili kullha. Is-sabijha hi dijn,xhijn il-mara rut duk ir-rizzi kullu ceplet lit-tifle u lil mara tat-tifel,insumma f`inqas minn kwarta kienu id-dur,is-sultu nhur ta`Hedd taghmilli l-brudu u mghamlitewx ghax qaltli nieklu ir-rizzi,biex ma noqghodx intawwal kif suru l-hdux u nofs qbadt inkissru u kien mimli ta bully,jien inkisser u hume jieklu u ma hellewlejx wahde u kelli nikkuntente bicce hops bit-tonn taz-zejt, xejn ma ddispjecini tu ghax fteht zewg fliexken inbit Psaila made qabbat il-pipe u kont qisni l-genne minbarra l-ugijh ta`spallti...

Toghbok sijap dijn l-isturja?

[Destination Sea]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.' (soccer ball)

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here..'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'


Boy - '$ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'


The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'


They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'...

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!   

[robby017]

more than a joke, this is more of a motto:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, totally worn out and screaming 'WOOO HOOOOO... what a ride!

[name]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

"Wow," the social worker exclaims, "are they all yours?"

"Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, "Sit down, Leroy!" All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

''Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy."

In disbelief, the case worker says, "Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?"

Their momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come and not the whole bunch?"

"Then I call them by their last names."

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[robby017]

"I got a new trolling rod and reel+ a fancy lure for my wife
...best trade I ever made."

[camkev]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says .

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident..

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fuck!, the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.