Jokes!

[The_Gaffer]

lolololololololololololol.....Rammx

[camkev]

TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA:        Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:         Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John , why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:           You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:         K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:         Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:           Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE:           I is..
TEACHER:    No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:           All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'     
________________________________

TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:          Because George still had the axe in his hand.   
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:        No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook..
______________________________

TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :       No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER:  Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:   A teacher

[robby017]

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.  We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

[kurtfalcon]

Hehe. Tajba din.

[camkev]

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a

condom
all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green
and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the
results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,
'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare
and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me
up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is
your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese
doctor examines his penis and proclaims,'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man
replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks.  Faw off by itself!'

[camkev]

The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens





he kept in the hen house behind the church.


           
One Sunday morning, before mass, he
went to feed the birds and discovered
that the cock was missing.



He knew about cock fights in
the village, so he questioned
his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation,

'Has anybody got a cock? '




All the men stood up.



'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock? '




All the women stood up.


'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that
doesn't belong to them? '



Half the women stood up.

'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen MY cock? '
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.


.   

[camkev]

                                    1. Geography of a woman:
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>   Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered,
>>>>>>>   half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>   Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and
>>>>>>>   open to trade especially for someone with cash.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>   Between! 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and
>>>>>>>   convinced of her own beauty.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>   Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and
>>>>>>>   desirable place to visit.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>   Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war -
>>>>>>>   haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now
>>>>>>>   necessary.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>   Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders
>>>>>>>   are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>   Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious
>>>>>>>   and all conquering past but alas, no future .
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>   After 70, they become Afghanistan.. Almost everyone knows
>>>>>>>   where it is, but no one wants to go there.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>                         2. The geography of a man:
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>   Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>

[camkev]

Paddy Has A Broken Leg



Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin?"

"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me
feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the
bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."



They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"



Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"

[maltembu]

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

[fishfinder]

http://www.flixxy.com/best-fisherman-bloopers.htm

[SteveGB]

lol kemm dhaqt fishfinder...

[fishfinder]

qishom il-praspar li jaghmel il bikri

[BIKRI]

habib insejt lahhar li morna al klamari flimkien fishfinder kemm ghamilt praspsar fl-ewwel cast li amilt. Steve ghamilli pjacir u meta immorru al klamari ara x'tamel u thallix 30 metru xlief warajk meta johroglok kobba

[mellieha]

it had to be fishfinder.....

[camkev]

Dear Lord,




I know that I don't talk to you that much, but this past year you have taken away



my favourite actor, Patrick Swayze,



my favourite actress, Farah Fawcett



and my favourite musician, Michael Jackson.




I just wanted to let you know that my favourite prime minister is Lawrence Gonzi



Amen