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Author Topic: Jokes!  (Read 243906 times)
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blueskip
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On the plane!


« Reply #15 on: September 27, 2008, 19:57:18 CET »

The phone rings in the house of the catholic priest,
"Is that Father Antonio",
"It is"
"This is the Maltese Income Tax Department,do you know a Mr Camkev"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation"
"He is"
"Has he recently donated 10,000 Euro to your church?"
"He will!"
blueskip
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shanook
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« Reply #16 on: September 27, 2008, 20:06:27 CET »

hey camkev didnt know u were so generous and RICH
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blueskip
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On the plane!


« Reply #17 on: September 27, 2008, 20:11:42 CET »

A woman gets out of the shower & stands in front of the mirror naked, & comments to her husband on her breasts being too small, instead of disagreeing with her, he suggests that if she rubbed toilet paper on them every day, they would get bigger!:o
When she asked how long it would take, he stated it would take several years to have the full effect, she asked how rubbing toilet paper on her breasts could make them bigger, & he commented that, "It worked for your arse didn't it".
I hear that the chances of him being able to walk again are quite good, but he will be taking his meals through a straw for many years to come!;D
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« Reply #18 on: September 27, 2008, 21:39:51 CET »

One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs his dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down to the driveway he goes

Coming out of his garage the rain is pouring down: it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow and sleet mixed in with the rain. The wind is blowing at over 50mph.

Minutes later he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house. Turns the TV to the weather channel and he finds it is going to be very bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible". To which she sleepily replies, "Yeah, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?"
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  How do Chinese parents name their kids?

The parents take a couple of dishes with them and head upstairs. They reach the top of the stairs and throw the dishes downstairs.

"CHING!!! CHONG!!!" 


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camkev
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« Reply #19 on: September 27, 2008, 21:44:53 CET »

A man is out in his row boat when suddenly a passing speed boat raises huge waves and the man's oars fall overboard! He is stranded out in the middle of the lake!

After about two hours, he sees another row boat going by with a man and two women in it! The first man yells, "Hey buddy, can I borrow one of your oars?"

The other man yells back, "They're not whores ... they're my sisters
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camkev
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« Reply #20 on: September 27, 2008, 21:50:41 CET »

Black Parrot
A black guy walks into a bar with a beatiful parrot on his shoulder. "Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something. Where'd you get it?"

"Africa," says the parrot.
 
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Stolen Bike
A truck driver is driving through a little town in Georgia wit a truck load of bowling balls. In this town there is 2 state troupers who hate truck drivers with a passion. The truck driver sees the two and turns off at the next exit. He sees a little black boy on a bike hitch hicking he picks up the little boy but tells him, "you cant ride up here but you can ride in the back. So he put's the little black boy and his bike in the back and get's back on the interstate. the two state cops see him again and pull him over they start giving him hell just looking for something to write him up for. They can't find anything so they are about to let him go then one says to the other, "We forgot to check the back." So one goes to the back opens the doors, slams them back comes up to the truck driver. The cop is whiter than a ghost and scared as hell, and says "Get the hell out of my town, get the hell out of my county, get the hell out of my state and don't ever come back." So the truck driver leaves. when they get back into the car one looks at the other and says "what the hell did you see back there?" the other says, "That guy was carring a truck load of black babys and one had already hatched and stolen a bike".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You're So Black
You're so black you blead coffee.

You're so black you could leave a hand print in charcoal.

You're so black you went to night school and the teacher counted you absent.

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blueskip
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On the plane!


« Reply #21 on: September 27, 2008, 22:56:35 CET »

Oh dear Camkev, "political correctness" would have had you hung, drawn, & quartered, for telling those two over here, make sure you haven't got any twin towers over there, they can aim at! Grin
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Essexdave
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« Reply #22 on: September 27, 2008, 23:05:08 CET »

A nun having a bath gets a knock on the bathroom door.
"Who is it" she asks worried
"Blind man from the village" comes the reply.
Well she thinks, it can do no harm letting a blind man in.
"Come in " she replies.
The man walks in, takes a good look and says
"Nice tits love, now where do you want these blinds fitted?"

Dave
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camkev
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« Reply #23 on: September 28, 2008, 06:55:03 CET »

Good one dave,tks blueskip!!!!I m still ailve and portomaso is still here. Wink
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shanook
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« Reply #24 on: September 28, 2008, 07:40:12 CET »

not for long cause as soon as 'Achmed the Dead Terrorist' hears of this u are in trouble
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shanook
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« Reply #25 on: September 28, 2008, 07:41:55 CET »

hose who would like to see Achemd go to
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOXCAKL9ESc
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fishfinder
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Kaptan Leisure with Suzuki DF115 4 stroke


« Reply #26 on: September 29, 2008, 09:46:35 CET »

Subject: The Pope
 


After getting all of the Popes' luggage loaded into the limo, (and he
doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing
on the kerb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at
the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to
work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver. The Pope
pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop
takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets
on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a
hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who ya got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!'
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Kaptan Leisure with Suzuki DF115 4 stroke
Kaptan Jr
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Eat, Sleep and go fishing mates!!!!


« Reply #27 on: September 29, 2008, 09:53:23 CET »

tajba din king
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skip
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WWW
« Reply #28 on: September 29, 2008, 16:31:26 CET »

that was is excellent fishfinder!
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camkev
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« Reply #29 on: September 29, 2008, 19:22:24 CET »

THAT'S LOVE!

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.

He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AFFAIR WITH DENTIST

Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours.

But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
 

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