Jokes!

[Gazzetta]

HAHAHAHA nice one !!! 

Chris 

[maltembu]

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that stuff?'

[noztheviking]

HI how many  animals can you fit in a pair of tights?. Answer = 2 calves,1beaver,1,ass, 1pussy,countless hares, the occasional cock, and 1 dead fish that body can find

[ramio]

  A little British humour
 
   The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire
  length
   looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well
  dressed,
   middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
 
   The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
 
   The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
  'Americans
   are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
 
   The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left
  was under
   that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
 
   She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also
  arrogant!'
 
   This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the
  little dog,
   tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
 
   The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! This American
  should be
   put in his place!'
 
   An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans
  often
   seem
   to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork
  in the
   wrong
   hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now,
  sir, you
   seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!

[ramio]

Never be late !!!!

Retirement Dinner
   
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.  A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:   'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.  I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.  I was appalled.
   
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
   
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
   
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

[noztheviking]

Ethel is a prostitute, but she did not want her Grandma to now what she did for a living. One day the police raided the brothel where Ethel worked, They marched all the working girls outside and lined them up, Just at that moment Ethels grandma walks past and sees the commotion,And spots Ethel. quick thinking Ethel tells grandma that they are lined up waiting for free oranges, so grandma decides to join the end of the quew to get her free orange.The police eventually reach grandma and begin to question her, How do you manage to do it at your age grandma?  OH I JUST take out my teeth  pull back the skin and suck em dry, The police man fainted

[noztheviking]

Harley Davidson died and whent to heaven,He started  boasting to God on how he had created the best moter cycle  the world had ever seen. God disagreed saying  BMWs were a better designed bike. Harley said what the chuff do you knowabout design ? YOU CREATED woman and look at the problems we have with them.  WELL EXCUSE ME says God  B ut I think youll find a lot more men are riding my chuffing creation than yours

[Kaptan Jr]

Subject: Il-manieri

Waqt wahda mis- sezzjonijiet taghha fil-klassi, l-Ghalliema bdiet  taghllem  dwar kif ghandu jkollok manjieri tajbin. Hija bdiet tistaqsi  l-istudenti  Taghha,*

'Michael, li kieku kellek date --- ikla,  ma tfajla,  kif se  Tghidilha  li ghandek bzonn tmur sat-toilet?'

Michael irrisponda, 'Tini minuta ghax ghandi bzonn naghmel pipi.'

L-Ghalliema irispondit billi qalet, 'Le hazin !'

'  U int Peter XI tkun ir- risposta tieghek?'*

Peter qal, 'Skuzani, imma ghandi bzonn immur sal kamra tal banju.
Nigi
Lura Ma ndumx.'

'Hekk hafna ahjar, imma xorta mhux pulit li tuza IL kelma `tal  banju`Waqt L-ikel'*

'U int Little Johnny, tista' tuza mohhok ghal darba u tghidilna IL  manjieri  tajba tieghek XI jkunu?'*

Kieku nghidilha hekk, 'Darling, tista' tiskuzani ftit jekk
Joghgbok?*

Ghandi bzonn niehu b'idejn habib kbir tieghi, li nispera li nlaqqek  Mieghu Wara din l-ikla.

[Kaptan Jr]

> IT-TRADUTTUR
>
>
>
>
>
> KURUNELL Good evening Malta. thank you ever so much for inviting me to
> give this speech and I promise that I will be brief, and to the point.
>
> TRADUTTUR Mela  bonswa Malta, grazzi talli stedintuh biex ikellimkhom,
> u jwieghedkhom li ha jkun qasir u ppuntat.
>
> KURUNELL Being a former navy captain, I often make my journeys by ship.
>
> TRADUTTUR Huwa jhobb joqghod jigi bid-dghajsa.
>
> KURUNELL And I daresay that Malta was no exception.
>
> TRADUTTUR U llum behsiebu jaghmel l-istess.
>
> KURUNELL Now that I am finally here about to start my speech I
> find myself wildly enthusiastic to set off.
>
> TRADUTTUR Issa li sa fl-ahhar wasal, ghandu genn biex jitlaq.
>
> KURUNELL But I am fully aware that my speech needs a translation.
>
> TRADUTTUR Izda jaf li d-diskors tieghu ha jkollu bzonn traduzzjoni.
>
> KURUNELL And that is why according to the EU Constitution, I have brought
> along a translator.
>
> TRADUTTUR U ghalhekk skond l-Unjoni Ewropea, gab mieghu it-traduttur.
> (JIPPONTA LEJH INNIFSU)
>
> KURUNELL I would like to reassure you that Her Majesty the Queen will
> shortly be here along with two of her trusty dogs of course.
>
> TRADUTTUR Jixtieq jghidilkom li dalwaqt gejja r-regina maz-zewgt iklieb
> taghha.
>
> KURUNELL And everyone is quite amazed at what a lovely pair they are.
>
> TRADUTTUR U kulhadd mistaghageb x'par ghandha.
>
> KURUNELL I would like to start by apologising
>
> TRADUTTUR Jixtieq jibda billi jghidilkom sorry
>
> KURUNELL Because as you all know, in the past few years, I have created
> several new positions within my department, and this has caused a lot of
> shifts.
>
> TRADUTTUR Ghax bhal ma tafu, f'dawn l-ahhar snin, ivvinta xi jobs godda
> u dawn ikkagunaw hafna caqliq.
>
> KURUNELL But now, although I feel bad about this, I'm afraid that there
> are some of these that I think I'm going to have to extract.
>
> TRADUTTUR Imma issa qed ihossu hazin u jahseb li se jaqla.
>
> KURUNELL This is because there are some things that I need to remedy.
>
> TRADUTTUR Dan huwa peress li hemm certi affarijiet li ghandu bzonn
> jirremettihom.
>
> KURUNELL I'm sorry to say, but I also believe that there are more
> problems in another department that is lower down than mine.
>
> TRADUTTUR Tghidlu qalbu li ghandu xi problemi wkoll fid-dipartiment
> t'hemm isfel.
>
> KURUNELL For some reason, it is no longer functioning as it should.
>
> TRADUTTUR Ghal xi raguni m'ghadux jahdem sew.
>
> KURUNELL However, I am now proud to report that things are finally
> looking up.
>
> TRADUTTUR Imma issa jista jghidilkom b'wiccu minn quddiem li kollox qed
> ihares 'il fuq.
>
> KURUNELL I feel that as a body, my organisation is currently getting
> tougher.
>
> TRADUTTUR Huwa jhoss li gismu bhal-issa qed jibbies.
>
> KURUNELL In fact, I am very much looking forward to the day when I will
> finally reveal all my plans to the general public.
>
> TRADUTTUR Fil-fatt, igri jasal dak in-nhar meta jkun jista jikxef
> kollox quddiem in-nies.
>
> KURUNELL But for now, I will give you one important message.
>
> TRADUTTUR Imma ghalissa, ha jaghtikhom messagg importanti.
>
> KURUNELL I will give you this message without beating about the bush.
>
> TRADUTTUR Dan il-mesagg ha jtihulkom minghajr ma joqghod isawwat lil
> Bush.
>
> KURUNELL Remember that as Maltese, you are all pulling the same rope.
>
> TRADUTTUR Ftakru li bhala Maltin, inthom kollha qed tigbdu l-istess habel.
>
> KURUNELL And in my estimation, I put you down as a religious nation, and
> you have all the saints to help you.
>
> TRADUTTUR U ghan-nizla kull qaddis jghin.
>
> KURUNELL I swear
>
> TRADUTTUR Ha jidghi.
>
> KURUNELL That whenever I hear that you need my help
>
> TRADUTTUR U malli jkun jaf li ghandkom bzonn l-ghajnuna tieghu
>
> KURUNELL I will start pulling that rope along with all the saints
>
> TRADUTTUR Ha jaqbad jigbed bil-qaddisin kollha.
>
> KURUNELL Thank you.
>
> TRADUTTUR Ta xejn hi

[noztheviking]

Ryan Air pilot Paddy is flying into Manchester Airport, the plane develops engine trouble so paddy calls the tower. HELP, HELP, Easter, Pancake day, New Years Eve,Bank holiday Monday, Halloween, Bonfire night.!!!! suddenly a voice comes back, FOR CHUFFS SAKE PADDY ITS,       MAYDAY !!!!!!!!

[mike.d.]

a woman in her late 30s is at home happily jumping naked, up and down on her bed squealing with delight.
her husband watches her for a while and asks,"do you have any idea how stupid you look ? whats the matter with you"?
the woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "i dont care what you think. i just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am i healthy, but i have the breasts of an 18 year old."
the husband replies, "what did he say about your 42-year old arse"?
"your name never came up" she replied.     

[maltembu]

 

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '

[ramio]

Good reason not to flirt...

A couple was invited to a fancy dress party, but the wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go alone.
So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was,
she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in
his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally,
since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her earand she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse
in the back seat. She slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening"

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

[mike.d.]

love it.

[mike.d.]

is there anyway we can post picture jokes, or is it not allowed. i mean some i have e mailed me can i forward them on to you, if so how ?