Jokes!

[Kaptan Jr]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,
  And noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said I am a Father. '

The little boy replied.
My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.
The priest looked up from his book and answered.
'I am the Father of many. '
The boy said.
My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!
The priest, getting impatient, said.
I am the Father of hundreds ' and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said.
Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar. ' !!!

[ramio]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.'
So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and the boyfriend said 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl said 'Put them between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm them up'.
So he did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said 'My nose is cold.'
The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'
So he did and his nose began to get warm.
He lifted his head up from between the girls legs and said 'Do you know what I think my penis is frozen solid'
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis'
Slightly concerned the mother said, 'Why, yes. Why do you ask' The daughter replies, 'Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they

[fishfinder]

God sends for 3 world leaders and tells them that he is really angry
> With all the problems the world gives him and has decided to destroy the
> planet in 3 days.
>
>
> Bush goes back to Washington and tells his people:
> 'I have good news and bad news................
> The good news is there really is a God,
> The bad news is that we have really goofed up and the world will end in 3
> days.'
>
>
> Jiang Zemin returns to the People's Republic of China and tells his
> people,
> 'I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is there is a God after all,
> The worse news is he is going to stop our plan for world domination in 3
> days.'
>
>
> Lawrence Gonzi returns to Malta with a big smile and says,
> 'I have good news and unbelievably better news!
> The good news is that God thinks I am one of the 3 most important people
> in the world.
> The better news is that
> The economy crisis,
> The illegal immigrants' problem
> The housing shortage
> And also all road maintenance problems
> Will finish in just 3 days'
>
>
> ALLELUIA....... BLESS THE LORD!!!!
>
>

[Tatanka]

18 Reasons why Fishing is better than Sex


18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines..
17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.

15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing,you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago

13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

12 - When you see a really good Fisherperson, you don't have feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.

6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

[Tatanka]

Fishing For a Sale A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

[maxxat75]

 
TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA:       Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:        Maria.

[maxxat75]

TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.

[maxxat75]

TEACHER:  Maxxat, name one important person we didn't have with us 20 years ago.
Maxxat:     Me!

[fishfinder]

A mounted Police Officer was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little  girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
 
'Yes Sir,'  the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket  for a safety violation.  The cop said, 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir.  Did Santa bring it to you?   
 
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.'

from Bikri

[maxxat75]

TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:      No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

[maxxat75]

TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :       No, sir.  It's the same dog.

[maxxat75]

TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:       A teacher

[Perla 165]

huh? wtf? LOOOL

[mike.d.]

no matter what political party you have got to love this.
a little boy goes to his dad and asks "what is politics".
dad says "well son, let me try to explain it tis way:
i am the head of the family, so call me the PRESIDENT.
your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the GOVERNMENT.
we are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the PEOPLE.
the nanny, we will consider her the WORKING CLASS.
and your baby brother, we will call him the FUTURE.
now think about this and see if it makes sense,
the boy goes to bed thinking about what dad said.
later in the night he hears his baby brother crying, so he goes to check on him.
he finds the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
so the boy goe to his parents room and finds his mum fast asleep, not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny"s room. finding the door locked, he peeks in the key holeand sees his dad in bed with the nanny, so he gives up and goes back to bed.
the following day he says "dad i think i understand politics" "good son tell me what its all about".
the little boy replies. the PRESIDENT is screwing the WORKING class while the GOVERNMENT is fast asleep. the PEOPLE are being ignored, and the FUTURE is in deep sh*t

[maltembu]

A married man was visiting his mistress one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James," she pleaded, "I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome, clean-shaven face."

James quickly replied, "My wife loves this beard, Jocelyn. I couldn't
possibly do it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" Jocelyn asked again, in a sexy little voice.

"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "She loves it ... I just can't!"

But Jocelyn was seductively persistent, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, a worried James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face. Suddenly she was wide awake and sitting bolt upright in the bed. She said tersely,

"Jesus Christ, Michael! What the hell are you doing here? My husband will be home any minute!"