Jokes!

[fish-noob]

lool gd one vikinggg

[robby017]

NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Don't ya love military time?!

[robby017]

Did you know that Eagles mate for life?




Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.


After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
 
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
 
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is ....

'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.

 
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate.
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.
 
This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....








(scroll down)


 









NO, The duck didn't say THAT







..... Don't be SO disgusting!


The duck said....






'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!

[noztheviking]

young lad comes home from school and says to his dad what are condoms ? Dad says they are what responsible men use to practice safe sex. and then takes the youngster to the local chemist to show him, at the chemist the youngster picks up a pack of three and says wow why three Dad to which dad replies ohh thats for youngsters one for friday night, one for saterday night, and one for sunday night. GEE the young lad says and picks up a six pack, Well who are these for then dad? he replies OHH they are for more exsperianced lovers 2 for friday 2 for saterday and 2 for sunday.BLIMY DAD WELL WHO ARE THESE FOR holding up a twelve pack. ohh dad says those are for married men , one for january one for february one for march etc etc etc

[Perla 165]

tal kuragg din ee haha najs mundinu

[noztheviking]

Please translate to english so we can have a laugh too. thank you!!!!!!!!!!

[fish-noob]

good one mundinu loooolll.....

[visa]

Why  .....do drugstores make the sick walk all the  way to the back of the store to get their  prescriptions while healthy people can buy  cigarettes at the front.


Why  .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large  fries, and a diet  coke.


Why  ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain  the pens to the counters.


Why  ......do we leave cars worth thousands of  dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk  in the garage.


Why  . ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with  Braille lettering.


EVER  WONDER ...


Why  the sun lightens our hair,
But darkens our skin ? 


Why  women can't put on mascara with their mouth  closed?


Why  don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins  Lottery'?


Why  is 'abbreviated' such a long word? 


Why  is it that doctors call what they do  'practice'?   
 

Why is  lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and  dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? 


Why  is the man who invests all your money called a  broker?


Why  is the time of day with the slowest traffic  called rush hour?


Why  isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 


Why  didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 


Why do  they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? 


You  know that indestructible black box that is used  on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole  plane out of that stuff?!


Why  don't sheep shrink when it rains? 


Why  are they called apartments when they are all  stuck together?   


If  flying is so safe, why do they call the airport  the terminal?
 
Why?  Good question..



 
 








   
 
   

[noztheviking]

whats got hair on the outside is wet on the inside, starts with C and ends with a T and got a N and a U in between ??









scroll down





keep going




is your dirty mind working







OK its a COCONUT

[fishfinder]

Darba kien hemm ragel jismu Ganni mill-Mellieha u kien
twajjeb hafna. Quddies ma jfalli qatt. Dejjem ifahhar lil Mulej.

Jaghmel karita'. Jghin il-proxxmu. Insomma kien qaddis jimxi
fl-art. U l-Mulej innota l-hajja qaddisa ta' Ganni. U ried
jippremjah. Ghalhekk ghodwa wahda l-Mulej tkellem u qallu.

'Ganni....Ganni'

'Xi trid Mulej?'

Mhux xi rrid. Bil-kontra Gann. Ghidli xi trid inti. Innutajt
il-hajja qaddisa tieghek u illum rrid naghtik rigal. Ghidli xi

trid u jien naqtaghlek xewqtek.'

U Ganni beda jahseb u qal,

'Iva Mulej. Inti taf li jien
noqghod il-Mellieha u nahdem
Birzebbugia. Taf kemm ghandi boghod ghax-xoghol. Nixtieqek
taghmilli triq dritta, minghajr kantunieri, minghajr side
streets, minghajr traffic lights, triq dritta mill-Mellieha sa
Birzebbugia biex nasal ghax-xoghol malajr u minghajr inkwiet
ta' xejn.'

'Ganni. Ganni. Iddizappuntajtni. Ma hsibtx li ser titlob
affarijiet materjali. Taf li kieku rrid kapaci naghmilha t-triq
jien. Imma hsibt kemm ser naghmel hsara lill-ambjent. Kemm ser
nghaddi minn go ghelieqi u gonna biex naghmillek din it-triq
ghall-uzu personali tieghek.Gann ma xtaqtekx tkun egoist
fix-xewqa tieghek. Mhux ahjar tahseb f'xi haga ohra?'

U Ganni rega' beda jahseb. 'Iva Mulej mela. Ghinni u
iftahli
mohhi biex nibda nifhem in-nisa. Ghinni halli naghmilhom
kuntenti. Ghinni nifhem kif jahsbuha. Ghinni nifhem il-harsa
taghhom,is-skiet taghhom.Ghinni nifhem ghaliex jibku u jekk
ikunux qed jibku ta' veru.Ghinni Mulej.'

'Isma Gann. Rigward dik it-triq li ridt, kif tahseb li l-ahjar
naghmluha - Two lanes jew four lanes?

[ramio]

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM?'I've got problems.

Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.. I think I'm going crazy.'



'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

SCREW THOSE SHRINKS?GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

[fish-noob]

Awesome m8 !!! bloody brilliant lol

[ramio]

I know, had me crying in stiches!!

[stu]

hi ramio.. nice joke..dont no how to us this site properly yet. but anyway. i live in the uk and was in malt all last week hada fantastic week stayed in buggiba lovely place good food and frendly people''went for the squid fishing up on the pier were you catch the ferry for gozo..and got one i was well pleased...hired a jeep for the week{them roads bumby or what} anyway will be back for 2weeks sept for the lampuki .....i hope fantastic place... love malta .....cheeres chow

[fish-noob]

roads are bumpy?? good thing u didnt hire a motorbike...... but still u posted in the right thread.. they are a joke... a "eu standard" joke