Jokes!

[acciola]

My wife just told me that if I go fishing one more time she is going to leave me...... 

I'm sure going to miss her 

[Destination Sea]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.*
 
*They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's Place.

*A few drinks later, the guy takes off  his shirt and*
*then washes his  hands. He then takes of his trousers and*
*washes  his hands again.*

*The  girl has been watching him and says, "You must be  a dentist."*
 
  *The guy, surprised,  says* how did you know?
  *"Easy," she replied,  "you keep washing your* hands."*   

*One  thing led to another and they make love.*
*After  they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good  dentist."*
 
*The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure,  I'm a  good dentist, How did you figure that out?"*

*"Didn't feel a thing!" she replied !!

[ggantno1]

 

[Destination Sea]

bomba dik

[ramio]

Dave came home from the pub late on Friday evening stinking
Drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
Already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
Found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
You?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
To live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
To send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
House, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
Around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
Welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
Inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
Laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
Out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
And his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
For the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
And he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
Ever happened to him . . .. Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
Felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
Shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

[The_Gaffer]

Husband and wife are in the bedroom, getting ready for bed.  The wife is sitting at her dresser, when she remarks to her husband;;;"John, have you noticed my breasts lately, they're sagging and don't stand up like they used to".  "do you think I should bet a boob job, like sort of make them bigger?".  John, looking up from his paper, sighs..."Rub them with toilet paper, three times a day".  The wife, bewildered, says..."What do you mean rub them with toilet paper?"....John, quick on the que says..."Well, its worked wonders on your ass!!!!!!!

**********************************************************

Three frogs die and go to meet their Maker.  The 1st frog arrives at the golden gates, and St. Peter asks, "Well, what have you been upto all your life?"...the 1st frog replies, "Well my Lord, you know how it is with us frogs, just in and out of puddles".  St. Peter opens the gates and lets him in.  2nd frog arrives at the golden gates and St. Peter asks, "Well, what have you been upto all your life?"...the 2nd frog replies, "Well my Lord, you know how it is with us frogs, just in and out of puddles".  again, St. Peter opens the gates and lets him in.
3rd frog arrives at the golden gates, and St. Peter asks' And you, what's your name?"...the 3rd frog replies...."Oh, I'm Puddles!!!!!" 

[fava]

An elderly man shuffles into a chemist and asks for Viagra.
'No problem,'says the pharmacist. 'How much do you want?'
'Just four,' replies the old man.'But you cut them into tiny pieces? I'm not interested in sex. I just want to be able to piss without hitting my slippers.'

[ramio]

Compliments of Visa:

Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

  'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her pr ogress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
 
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
 
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, r ipped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
 
'Why so terr ible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

[Perla 165]

Ragel anzjan taljan kien jghix wahdu f'razzett. Ried jaghzaq l-ghalqa biex jizra' fiha t-tadam. Imma ghalih din kienet bicca xoghol iebsa hafna, u biex taghqad, il-hamrija kienet iebsa.
L-uniku tifel li kellu, Vincent, li s-soltu kien jghinu, issa kien il-habs.. Ir-ragel anzjan, kiteb din l-ittra lil ibnu.
Ghaziz ibni Vincent, Kemm ninsab imdejjaq, billi din is-sena minix se nizra t-tadam bhas-soltu. Issa qed nixjieh, u ma niflahx naghzaq il-gnien wahdi. Kieku
int kont hawn, zgur kont taghmlu int bhas-soltu. Inhobbok hafna.
Missierek.

Ftit jiem wara, l-anzjan jircievi ittra minghand ibnu.

Ghaziz papa,

Ahjar ma taghzqu xejn dak il-gnien! Ghax biex nghidlek, il-katavri kont dfinthom go fih. Inhobbok hafna. Ibnek Vincent.

Fl-4 ta' filghodu tal-gurnata ta' wara, agenti ta' l-FBI u pulizija lokali gew, iccirkondaw il-gnien, u b'hafna ghodda qallbu l-hamrija
kollha tal-gnien, bla ma sabu xejn. Huma skuzaw ruhhom mal-anzjan, u telqu.

Dakinhar stess, l-anzjan jircievi ittra ohra minghand ibnu Vincent.


Ghaziz papa,
Issa tista' tizra' tadam kemm trid. Il-gnien maghzuq u lest. Dak kollu li stajt naghmel minn hawn. Inhobbok hafna.. Ibnek Vincent.

[The_Gaffer]

Mundinu, prosit man, great joke!!!!!

[LapsiBoy]

lool
tajba..

[kurtfalcon]

> A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many
> books on the subject, and
> finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made
> for the
> ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to
> make a circular
> cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky,
a voice
> boomed................
> "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
>
>
> Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a
> thermos of
> cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from
> the heavens the
> voice bellowed............. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER
> THE ICE!"
>
>
> The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the
> opposite end of the
> ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to saw
> through the ice.
>
>
>
> "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped,
> looked skyward and said, "IS
> THAT YOU LORD?"
>
>
>
>
> The voice replied,  "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE
> HOCKEY RINK!"
> Have a Grand day

[Perla 165]

hahah loooool tajba ta... viva il papa haha  ( proset joe haha)

[ramio]

The burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around,
looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued..

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear
as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you
that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[noztheviking]

Susan Wong marries Lee Wong, The next year the wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely bouncy healthy but Definately CAUCASION WHITE  baby boy!!!! Congratulations, says the nurseto the new parents, Well Mr Wong What will you and Mrs Wong name this baby?. The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, Well two Wongs dont make a white, So I think we will name him....................       ARE YOU READY FOR THIS......................SUM TING WONG