Jokes!

[robby017]

KIDS!!!!!!!

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma,
"Where's Mom and Dad?" And she replied, "They re up in bed." The little
boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.

Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?"
And she replied,"They're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" And his grandmother replied, They're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What's this? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?"

The little boy replied, "Well, last night Daddy came into my bedroom and
asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue!" He must have got
himself stuck somewhere in his room.

Grandma fainted.

[noztheviking]

Little suzie came home from school and said to her mum that that the boys at school kept asking her to do cartwheels because she was so good at doing them. When her mum heard this she said not to do them because the boys just wanted to see her knickers, Suzie replied I know mum thats why I hide them in my school bag !!!!!!!

[robby017]

lol... tajba mundu

[ramio]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a
little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the
sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by
her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire
truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the
cat's testicles....
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run
your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think
you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren.'

[fishfinder]

> A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby   cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first.
>
> Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash.

> Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.

> The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

> He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.

> 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file.

> 'Whose funeral is it?'

> The man replied, 'Well, the first hearse is for my wife'


> 'What happened to her?'

> The man replied 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

> He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?'


> The man answered 'My Mother-in-law. She was tryingto help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

> A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.


> 'Can I borrow the dog?'


'Join the queue'

[visa]

THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like
  onions..' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many   types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,   'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an    oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a
Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree??'
'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.

[SteveGB]

Making a baby!


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.. 'Good morning,
Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs.. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes..... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long.'


Mrs. Smith fainted

[robby017]

Thought 1
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?

Thought 2
The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wonder too.

Thought 3
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

This is the Best !!!

Thought 4
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced "Ladies and
Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued,
"My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
The whole audience including the priest erupted in laughter .......... all except the poor Groom!!

[visa]

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time.
I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator:         'What sort of trouble??'
Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator:         'Went away?'
Caller:              'They disappeared.'
Operator:         'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:              'Nothing.'
Operator:         'Nothing??'
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
Operator:         'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller:               'I don't know.'
Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller:               'I can't reach.'
Operator:          'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller:               'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator:          'Dark??'
Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator:         'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:               'I can't.'
Operator:          'No? Why not??'
Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator:          'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
                            Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller:               'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator:           'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:            'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:                 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator:            'Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

[robby017]

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

[Granitu]

lol visa

[robby017]

Funny Quotes.


 

Practice makes a man perfect... - But nobody's perfect..... . so why practice?

Money is not everything. - There's MasterCard & Visa.

One should love animals. - They are so tasty.

Save water. - Shower with your girl friend.

Love thy neighbour. - But don't get caught.


Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term. - It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop

Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children

"Your future depends on your dreams" - So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning

"Hard work never killed anybody" - But why take the risk !

"Work fascinates me" - I can look at it for hours!

God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two's company, - three's the result!

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know - So... Why learn.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say........

[visa]

Gotta Pee....

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic
on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they
needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to
wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to
a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe
with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go
home.
The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the
other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm
starting to suspect the worst.. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
stuck to her ass that said...
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"

[Granitu]

Save water. - Shower with your girl friend.

you won't save water, as soon enough there will be children around and the bathroom will be small

[robby017]

haha....... reminds me of a chinese proverb.....

'There is no economy in going to bed early to save candles if the result be twins!'