Jokes!

[mike.d.]

nice one

[Destination Sea]

An old man hanging on to his walking stick boarded a bus. Unfortunately the bus was full so he had to stay standing up. Seeing a young boy seated he moved towards him hoping that the boy will give him his seat. However the boy did not take any notice. Suddenly the bus braked and the old man ended up lying flat on the bus floor. The young boy turned to the old man and said.
Grandpa if you had a piece of rubber fitted to the end of your stick you would not have ended up like this.
The old man looked up to the boy and said. Young man how old are you. The boy replied I am seven.
The old man than said.. If your father placed a piece of rubber to the end of  his stick seven years ago, you would not have been here today and I will be seated instead of you. 

[robby017]

How to get to Heaven from Ireland

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept   everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.

' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'No!'. I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out " YUV GOTTA BE FUKN' DEAD.........."

[robby017]

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her
mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost ?300, she
exclaimed: "I don't have any money.
But I'd do ANYTHING to get a
message to my mother".

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next
room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did. He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.. "Now take down my zipper".

She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out....." he said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well............ go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close
to her lips, tentatively said...........

"Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"

[sajjiedf2]

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

[Kevin G]

A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?

MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.

[robby017]

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:
 
Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.
  ..................
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
 
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
 
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a m?nage ? trois.
 
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
 
The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
 
The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
 
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
 
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
 
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.
 
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they're satisfied because the British aren't having any fun.
 
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman won't shut up and complains relentlessly about her body; the true nature of feminism; what the sun is doing to her skin; how she can do anything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems; and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done & go shopping.

[robby017]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded,
and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight
You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said,

'I'm his Grandma,
but I'm glad I came.'

[Perla 165]

LOL ^^

[rammx]

An MFF member was stranded with his boat on a desert island somwhere  between the far islands of Gozo & Comino, and was left there for 2 months, before being found by another MFF member....

when returning to Malta the two started this chat :

MFF LIFE SAVER : What did you eat??


MFF CAST AWAY : Mux fish jew!!!



MFF LIFE SAVER: wasn't it boring ??


MFF CAST AWAY: how can two months of fishing be boring!!!???

MFF LIFE SAVER : did you keep a sort of calendar or something???  



MFF CAST AWAY: no ta!! When the wind picked up hard, I said to myself "this must be a Friday evening"



MFF LIFE SAVER : Ahhh yess ...silly question !!!!  



MFF LIFE SAVER: whats the first thing you'll do when in Malta ??



MFF CAST AWAY: will check the MFF on my pc!





MFF LIFE SAVER : Ahhh yess ...silly question !!!!  

[EmicMalta]

l ahjar wahda din Rammx

[robby017]

Originali din rammx! A+++

[The_Gaffer]

Proset....damn good joke

[Granitu]

rammx king tivvinthom.. kif mort competition bdw?

[rammx]

mghamilt xejn yesterday granit!!!    il polza ma tantx tghatni post tajjeb  :/
  u kul ma nqabdu xi 5 hutit b'kollox...bix taxxaqa kien hemm id dniefel...so....