Jokes!

[blueskip]

Note on fridge door
"Dear wife you are 54, & there are things that you can no longer do for me, but I still value you as a wife so therefore I will tell you this! When you read this I will be at the Royal Hotel with my secretary who is 18, we will have sex, & I will be home later on this evening!"
When he returns home that evening he finds a note on the fridge door which reads.
"Dear husband, thank you for your honesty & the fact that you still value me as a wife, I should point out that you are also 54 & there are things you can no longer do for me as well, when you read this, I will be at the Imperial Hotel with one of my students who is also 18, is very virile, & is also an assistant physical training instructor.
Now 54 doesn't go into 18 very much, but 18 goes into 54 many more times, & therefore I wont be home until some time tomorrow!"

[blueskip]

Mighty Thor is on earth & sees a beautiful young girl carrying a large pitcher of water so he offers to carry it home for her, she agrees & they walk to her house. She invites him in & offers him a cooling drink, & one thing leads to another & he spends a mad passionate night with her.
When they wake in the morning he feels that he must tell her the truth about himself! "I am mighty Thor" he bellows!
"Your'e Thor" she says "how do you think my fanny feelth after a night like that?"

[robby017]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get To Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't Even know the way to the Post Office."

[alfadelta]

RAKKONT MILL-KTIEB TAL-GENESI


U Alla halaq lill-hmar u qallu:

"Int hmar, se tghaddi hajtek tahdem u tbati minn filghodu sa filghaxija.

Biex tghix trid tiekol il-haxix.


Mhux se jkollok intelligenza u se tghix ghal hamsin sena".

Il-hmar wiegeb:

"Biex nghix 50 sena f'dik it-tbatija naraha wisq.
Tista' thallini nghix sa 20 sena?" U hekk kien.

Imbaghad Alla halaq lill-kelb u qallu:

"Int kelb. Trid izzomm l-ghassa mad-djar tal-bniedem, li tieghu se

tkun l-ikbar habib. Se tiekol minn dak li jhalli u se tghix 25 sena".

Il-kelb wiegeb:

"Mulej, li nghix ghal 25 sena bhal kelb naraha wisq.
Tista' thallini nghix sa 10 snin?" U hekk kien.

Il-Mulej imbaghad halaq lix-xadin u qallu:

"Int xadin. Trid tixxabbat mas-sigar.

Trid tkun tac-cajt u se tghix ghal ghoxrin sena".

Ix-xadin wiegeb:

"Mulej, ma tahsbix li 20 sena huma wisq?"

Hallini nghix ghal 10 snin". U hekk kien.

Fl-ahhar Alla halaq lill-bniedem u qallu:

"Int bniedem, l-uniku hlejqa li tirraguna.

Trid tuza l-intelligenza tieghek fuq il-hlejjaq l-ohra.

Trid tiddomina d-dinja u se tghix 20 sena".

Il-bniedem qallu:

"Mulej, ghaliex daqshekk biss?"
Jekk joghgbok tini t-tletin sena tal-hmar, il-hmistax tal-kelb u

l-ghaxra tax-xadin. U hekk kien.

U Alla ghamel il-bniedem jghix 20 sena ta' ragel,

imbaghad jizzewweg u jghix 30 sena ta' hmar, jahdem u jbati.

Imbaghad ikollu t-tfal u jghix 15-il sena ta' kelb, jiehu hsieb id-dar

u jiekol dak li jhallu t-tfal wara li jkunu zarmaw il-fridge.

Imbaghad jghix l-ahhar 10 snin ta' hajtu bhax-xadin, jikkummiedja

biex izomm lin-neputijiet kwieti. U hekk kien.

[blueskip]

Brilliant! (What did he say)? or would the humour be lost in the translation??

[blueskip]

It wont load on here the file is too big, but have a look at this & make sure you have your speakers on  Google "Chimps do Riverdance"  I just watched the 10yr anniversary documentary & remembered this  

[robby017]

The Good Grandpa


A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his   hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."


Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.  Hang in there, boy."


At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."


Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.


"You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."


"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name is Steve."

[Destination Sea]

a cadet before jumping with his parachute was told by the instructor remember  left button open main parachute  right button opens emergency parachute. If none works pray to god.
after jumping the cadet tried left button ?nothing a few seconds later right button ?nothing. So he started praying. In the meantime he was approached by a man with a spanner in his hand. Very happy to see this man he cried. at last god heard my prayers and sent you. what god cried out the main , the gas cylinder has just blown .

[robby017]

 

A farmer got in his truck and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.



A young boy, about nine, opened the door.



"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked.
"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?
"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."



"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"?
"He went with Mum and Dad."



The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to theother and mumbling to himself.



"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."



"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."



The boy considered for a moment.
"You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."

[robby017]

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

[robby017]

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline (an area where Canadian tourists typically visit in the winter) when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. He drove closer to see what it was. Upon approaching the scene, he saw a man in the water wearing a Montreal Canadians hockey jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark! At that moment, a speedboat containing three men wearing Toronto Maple Leafs jerseys, roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Montreal fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They then bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was the Pope summoning them to the beach. After they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred in your country between the fans of the Leafs and the Canadiens, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and companionship that could serve as a model on which other countries, like this one, could follow". He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom".

"Well," the harpooner replied, "he doesn't know a thing about shark fishing!! Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another one?"

GO LEAFS GO

[robby017]

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.  When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."  Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.  Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."  "I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."  The old woman fainted.

[robby017]

In biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?"

Little Johnny raises his hand.

"Go ahead, Johnny."

"My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder."

"That's terrible, Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"

Again Johnny raises his hand.

"We'll give you another chance."

"My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it and his eyes popped out in shock."

[robby017]

The new age



Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.


When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.


'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies .. and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the Superiority of gay love!'


The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now but just watch what happens When we pull the thermometer out of his ass!'

[blueskip]

Why do women prefer to have sex with circumcised men?
They cant resist something with 10% off!