Jokes!

[shanook]

Nudist Colony Rules

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'

The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.

'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around,  bent  him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'

'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'

[mike.d.]

  nice one tony. 

[shanook]

Welcome mate

[freediver]

Roger , 85,  married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old .   
   
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself   if they spend the entire night together.   
   
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the  expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens   and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as   one.   All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to   sleep. 
   
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door,  and   it's Roger,  Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised,  Jenny   consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. 
   
She is  set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is  back   again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for  more   'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. 
   
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I  am thoroughly  impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.   I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good   once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' 
   
Roger,  somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?' 
   
The moral  of the story: 
   
Don't  be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages. 
   
PS..  Have I sent this to you already?
 

[shanook]

    Once upon a time there lived a king.
    The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

    But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

    No matter what;

    metal,

    wood,

    stone,

    Anything she touched would melt.

    Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

    The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

    He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

    The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.


    THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

    The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

    But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and the prince went away sadly.

    The second prince brought diamonds.

    He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

   

    The third prince approached. He told the princess,

    'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

    The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
   
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

    And it did not melt!!!

    The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

    Question: What was in the prince's pants?

    M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

    What were you thinking??
    You know I wouldn't send anything rude

    BE HAPPY EVERY ONE!

[The_Gaffer]

The Princess could also touch Water!, or any other liquid for that matter!

[polidmar]

Gaffer .. melting is the process of change of phase from solid to liquid!  so liquid can never be the starting state of phase ..

Just not to be too serious i'll post a joke too :

At primary school the teacher was asking the kiddies where does the light go when we switch it off?  Nobody knew .. except little johnny who proudly lifted his hand up.  He told the teacher that light always goes in his mother's mouth when switched off.  Nobody understood anything but then he clarified that he had heard several times his father tell his mother .. Switch off the light and put it in your mouth..!

keep 'em coming

[shanook]

ok little Johhny jokes.......I like them
The teacher asked 'When we die which part of us goes to heaven first?'
One little cute girl said the Hearth......teacher asked why.......because the hearth is pure.. replied the little girl
Another boy said the brain.......teacher asked why......because it has pure thoughts..replied the boy.......
little Johnny had his had up all this time but the teacher was wary finally she asked little Johnny.........Its the legs Miss........the teacher thought hard, as she knew that Johnny always comes up with strange things finally she found the courage to ask WHY.........Well last night I was passing my parents room and I heard mum shouting "God I am coming'' I looked in and mum had her feet high up in the air......good thing Dad was on top, pushing her down.........

the teacher fainted

[visa]

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?


The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo0.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'


The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.

Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box..


The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, 'Magic Penis, my crotch.'

The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.


On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'


The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my ass....!'

The rest, as they say, is history.

[freediver]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The older one leaned over and said, ''Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!''

''You're on!'' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

''What happened?'' asked her waiting friend.

''I won $1000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'.''

[name]

A Newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like Newfies. 
The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license. 
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its ass, and said, 'This duck ain't from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, boy?' The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license. 
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its ass, and said,'This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?' The Newfie reached into wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.
   
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its ass, and said, 'This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?' Again the Newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license. 
   
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Newfie, 'Just where the hell are you from?' 
   
The Newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, 'You tell me, you're the expert.' 

[Destination Sea]

ta veru prosit name,

whats the name of the bee that produces milk............................boobee

[shanook]

Think before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -

The last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could

Immediately take the words back...

Or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....



FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow

And asked loudly,

'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back

My husband didn't say a word...

He knew better.



SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes,

I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.

He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men 's balls .



THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and

Passed by a store that sold a

Variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case,

The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day,

My sister has never let me forget.



FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon,

My toddler decided to release

Some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of

Her after receiving looks of disgust

And annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving

'right now' she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

'If you don't let me go right now,

I will tell Grandma that I saw you

Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and

Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.



FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands

It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco,

I smelled something funny,

So of course I checked

My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.

Then realized that Danny

Had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go,

And he said 'No' .

I kept thinking

'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'

Then I said,

'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'

'No,' he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ?This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,

Bent over, spread his cheeks

And yelled

'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,

He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better,

Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!



LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days

And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,

In the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!

We had a female news anchor that,

The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,

Turned to the weatherman and asked:

'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set,

But half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?

Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh

and remember

we all say things we don't really mean,

so think before you speak!!!!!

[shanook]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
           THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
           SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
           THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO  TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
           THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.       
           THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
           THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
           HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
           THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

           "I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO  TORONTO ".

[name]

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink..
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

(You gotta love this)
/
/

/ /

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'