Jokes!

[SEAFOX]

Fr thos who are 60 and over as I am..
Reasons to be glad you are getting older:
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?"  I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve,"  was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" 
"That's right." 

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. 
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
"divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me,  "Do you know how much this is?" 
I said to her  "I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today." 
She said  "OK,"  and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and  pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'  ( Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?"  I asked.
She replied,  "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they  (pointing to a distant convenience store) would  have a battery to fit this?" 
"Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?"  I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy,"  she answered,  handing it and the car keys to me.  As I  took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,  " Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries.   It's a long walk.... " 

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,  "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I  do?"   "Just use paper from the photocopier," the secretary told her. 
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it  on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank"  copies.
(Brunette, by the way!!) 

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had  eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the  kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the  mother says,  "I just gave him some ant  killer...."  Dispatcher:   "Rush him in to emergency!"     

Life is tough.  It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh...it is all true.

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask,"did I wake you?"

5 There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

6.Things you buy now won't wear out.

7 You can live without sex but not your glasses.

8. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

9. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room

10. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

11. And you notice these are all in Simple Print for your convenience.

[SEAFOX]

Ghal Maltin ..Grupp ta' nisa waqt coffee morning fis-sala tal-Kappillan :

Wahda  mara qabditha l-'Gasket flu' – Gastric flu
L-ohra ftahret li r-ragel wahhlilha l- 'Intercourse in every room' – Intercom in every room
Wahda ohra marret tixtri l- 'Ghost Cheese' – Goats' Cheese
Ohra qalet li hi 'l aktar li tiggosta huwa l-'Yoghurt tal-Kliewi' – Youghurt tal-Kiwi
Ohra riedet id-'De fuckinated coffee' – Decaffinated Coffee
Xi hadd staqsa ghall-gelat 'Strawberry Nipples' – Strawberry Ripple
Ohra kellha ugigh ta' ras u riedet 'Panadol tat 250 miles per gallon' – Panadaol tat-250mg
Meta siefret marret tara l-'Kastell ta' hand grenade' (Kastell ta Henry VIII), Piccalilli Circle (Piccadilly Circus) u marret ukoll ghand 'Self Raising' (Selfridges) 

[rammx]

loool illejla nahseb jimxi id defuckinated coffee

[robby017]

and a baguette with the ghost cheese

[visa]

 
Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When  girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea
tasted  Salty?!


Why is it that a girl looks down when u say I love  u?
....To see if u really mean it!


Why is sex similar to shaving?
....because no  matter how well u do it today,tomorrow u have  to do it  again.


Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.


Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-olympic sex .
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
wife: Not really. It only  happens once in 4 Years.


The stock markets now are like an old  man's dick?
... Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fucked!



This week is Breast Awareness Week.  Spread the slogan:
....We stare because we care!



The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.
.....the Lord Almighty sentenced  them to : Hang Till Death !



A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window..
Wife yells: That guy  just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.


What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result  of a standing cock.

If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would  you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's  underwear?
Banana split.




What's the diff between a bomb n a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.

What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result  of a standing cock.

If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would  you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's  underwear?
Banana split.




What's the diff between a bomb n a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.


===========
A STORY FROM THE BACKBLOCKS of QUEENSLAND


A Queensland farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked.
"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?
"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"?
"He went with Mum and Dad.."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely..
"I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one.
Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably,
"I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.."

The boy considered for a moment.
"You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded.

"If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig,
but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."
      

[fisheye]

Complaints from Council House Owners. These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

8. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant

10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

14. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC 2.

[fisheye]

New Panties

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,

"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."



He never heard the gunshot

[visa]

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)






Scientists at Rolls Royce, England built a gun specifically to launch dead
chickens at the wind shields of airliners and military jets all travelling
at maximum  velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne
fowl to test the strength of the wind shields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
Wind shields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled
out of the barrel, crashed into the shatter-proof shield, smashed it to
smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's
back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an
arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the wind shield and begged the
British scientists for suggestions.




You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:






"Defrost the chicken."

[visa]

 
Larry gets home late one night and his wife

Linda says "Where the hell have you been?"

Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo!", she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates", he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking!", she said, shaking her head in  disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed
on his privates?"

"Well, One, I like to watch my money grow. 
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.  And, lastly, instead of you
going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred
bucks anytime you want."


Larry is in the Hospital, room 233.

[malvizzu]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
At 5:30 that afternoon, his 11 year old son, Tommy, returned home from school two hours late.


"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked his mother, Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called "Girls, Girls."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[name]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"

The Black Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything ... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Yellow Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off ", came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "Why are you here?"

The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Black Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"





The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

[caldaland]

Two free divers go spear fishing. They shoot a lot of fish and
return to the shore.
The first one says, "I hope you remember the spot where we
caught all those fish."
The other answers, "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the
boat to mark the spot."
"You idiot!" cries the first, "How do you know we will get the
same boat tomorrow?"

[caldaland]

jumejn ohra hekk ha nispiccaw!
                                                 http://fotosa.ru/stock_photo/Fancy%20by%20Veer/p_2702909.jpg

[shanook]

be careful caldaland as they will start thinking of imposing a tax on that as well......keep it hush hush

[SEAFOX]

What Confucius Didn't Say -

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
 
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally we dicovered what CONFUCIUS MIGHT WELL HAVE SAID. . ..

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"