Jokes!

[Gazzetta]

Nice one joe !! 

Chris 

[boneshaker]

hehe gr8 joke ..keep posting more good stuff

[mike.d.]

CHECK FOR ALZHEIMERS.
the folloeing was developed as a mental age assesssment by the SCHOOL OF PSYCHIATRY AT HARVARD UNIVERSITY.
take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
the average person over 40 years of age cannot do it !



1) this is this cat.
2)this is is cat.
3)this is how cat.
4)this is to cat.
5)this is keep cat.
6)this is an cat.
7)this is old cat.
8)this is fart cat.
9)this is busy cat.
10)this is for cat.
11)this is forty cat.
12)this is seconds cat.

now go back and read the third word in each line from top to bottom.

[Kaptan Jr]

nice one mike

[ramio]

Pharmacist Phun

   A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
   The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
   That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
   The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
   The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

*********************************************************
Sign Language

   I was doing yard work after the storm this past weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"

   She couldn't hear me so she shouted back, "What?" I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. My wife wasn't sure about what I meant and said, "What?" I repeated the gestures. "EYE KNEE-THE RAKE"

   My wife nodded that she understood and signalled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
   Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to figuring out
that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her,

"What the hell was that ?"

She replies,

"EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"

********************************************************
THE BARBER

> > A  guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long  before
> >can get a haircut?"The barber looked  around the shop full of
>customers
> >and said, "About two  hours."The guy left.
> >
> > A few  days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
>  >"How
> >long before I can get a haircut?"The barber  looked around at the shop
> >and said, "About three  hours."The guy left.
> >
> > A week  later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How
> >long  before I can get a haircut?"The barber looked around the shop
>and
> >said, "About an hour and a half."The guy  left.
> >
> > The barber turned to a friend and  said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.
> >Follow that guy and see where he   goes.He keeps asking how long he has
> >to wait for a  haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
> >
>  > A little while later Bill returned to the shop,  laughing
>hysterically.
> >
> > The barber  asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
> >
>  > Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your  house."

*******************************************
The Koala and the Little Lizard.
     
     
   A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past
and looks up and says "Hey Koala !  what are you doing?"
               
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
       
   After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and.
falls into the river

   A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him
to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
         
   The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a  joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the  river while taking a drink.
     
   The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
     
So the koala looks down at him and says:
     
   "Fuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

***************************************************
Tit for Tat

   A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are
their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
   When the bus arrives they find it overloaded and only the wife and
the nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

   After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick
of the blind man as he taps it on the side walk and says to him:

"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!

   The blind man replies: "If you had put a rubber on the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up!"

[The_Gaffer]

Great Jokes Man!!!!

[Kaptan Jr]

> A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for
> 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
> Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy
> out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the home-
> owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,
> kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
>
> While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
> 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his
> clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and
> hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
> neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do
> whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
> nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If
> he gets angry, he'll kill us both.. Be strong, honey.
> I love you!'
>
> His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck - he was
> whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks
> you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him
> it was in the bathroom.
>
> 'Be strong. I love you, too!'
>
> AFTER A WHILE..........
>
> OOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
> HHH
>
> ------------------------

[Perla 165]

hahhaha Lool dawn min fejn igibhom lahwa!!! nice joke Kaptan Jr. !!

[Kaptan Jr]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.


When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.



The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive.'



'How much?' asked Grandpa.



'$10.00 a pill,' Answered the son.



'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.'



Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.. He called Grandpa and said, 'I told you each pill was $10, not $110.00.



'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma!'

[maltembu]

A bad day at work..

ouch.................................


This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a
bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana .
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio
station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana , who was sponsoring a
worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

~~Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a
bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work,
so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's
not so bad after all . Before I can tell you what happened to me, I
first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my
office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's
a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial
water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the
sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to
the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air h ose. Now
this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with
no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my
whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few
seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but
the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot
water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now,
since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to
it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched
what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into
the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the c ommunicator. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other
divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the
dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin
my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was
wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running
down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my
butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I
couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat
to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.' Whenever you
have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?



May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

[ramio]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the

Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course my child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my

mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,

and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it

through Customs for me?  Under your robes perhaps?'

The priest answered: 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn
you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked,  'Father, do you have anything to declare?! '

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to  declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, and so asked,



'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman,

but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said,  'Go ahead, Father.  Next!'

[LapsiBoy]

Tajba Ramio 

[maxxat75]

nice 1 ramio!

[Tatanka]

Old man rocking on his porch

An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.
Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!"

[Tatanka]

A man is out in his row boat when suddenly a passing speed boat raises huge waves and the man's oars fall overboard! He is stranded out in the middle of the Harbour!
After about two hours, he sees another row boat going by with a man and two women in it! The first man yells, "Hey buddy, can I borrow one of your oars?" The other man yells back,

"They're not whores ... they're my sisters!"