Jokes!

[fisheye]

One day a small cat was sitting hungry by a river when a small chipalata sausage came flowing past....the cat used his paw to get the chipalata and managed to not even get it wet. The cat was happy! The next day the cat was equally as hungry when a larger sausage came flowing past in the river, the cat dipped its paw in to get the sausage and only got its paw marginally wet, the cat was happy! The next day the cat was absolutely starving when a massive frankfurt wopper came flowing past..the cat dipped his paw in to get it but fell in! However the cat retrieved the sausage and was happy. The moral or the story is.............the bigger the sausage....the wetter the pussy! 

[noztheviking]

This year my wife proclaimed loudly that she wanted to go somewhere really exspensive for Christmas so I am taking her to the local petrol filling station !!!!!!!!

[ramio]

The Sheer Nightgown


A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250
to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally,
he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He
presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.

Upstairs the wife think s (no dummy she), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer tha t
it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the
modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

[ramio]

Nudist Colony

          A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On
his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander
around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the
man immediately got an erection.

          The woman noticed his erection, came over to him
and asked, did you call for me?' The man replied,
'No, what do you mean?' She said, 'You must be
new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you
get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling,
she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on
a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have
his way with her.


          Later, the man continued to explore the
colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat
down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered
out of the steam room toward him. 'Did you call for
me?' asked the hairy man. 'No, what do you
mean?' replied the newcomer. 'You must be new.'
answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you
fart, it implies that you called for me.'

          The huge man easily spun him around, put him over
a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

          The newcomer staggered back to the colony office
where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist,
'May I help you?' she asked. 'Here's my
membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep
the $500 membership fee.'


        'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've
only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to
see all our facilities.' 'Listen lady, I'm 68
years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart
15 times a day. I'm outta here

[fisheye]

A woman and a man were involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars were totally demolished but amazingly neither of them were hurt. God works in mysterious ways.


After they crawled out of their cars, the man was yelling - about women drivers.  The woman said, 'So you're a man.  That's interesting.
I'm  a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!  There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.  This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replied, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely;    this must be a sign from God!  But, you're still at fault...women shouldn't  be allowed to drive.'

The woman continued, 'And look at this, here's another miracle.  My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

Then she handed the bottle to the man.  The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it and drank half the bottle, then handed it back to the woman.  The woman took the bottle and immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asked, 'Aren't you having any?'    The woman replied, 'No, I think I'll just wait for the police.'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, smart, and can be evil bitches if you piss them off ....so don't mess with them!

[redbus9]

A man who had been a gynaecoligist for many years and made lots of money decided to have a career change and become a motor mechanic as cars was his hobby.He enrolled on a mechanics course to get qualifications so he could open up his own business.At the end of the course was an exam with 50 points for stripping an engine down completely and another 50 points for rebuilding it.When the results came out he was amazed to find he had been awarded 150 points.He asked his examiner how could this be so.He replied "We awarded 50 points for the strip down,50 points for the rebuild and an extra 50 points for ...doing it all through the exhaust pipe"

[ramio]

A man goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist takes
out a needle to give the man a shot of novocain...
"No way, no needles, I can't stand needles.."
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas but the man again objects.
"No gas, please, the mask on my face is suffocating to me."
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
"No," said the patient, "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says "Here's a Viagra tablet."
The patient says "Wow, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain
pill."
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you
something to
hold on to when I pull out your tooth."

[King]

looooooool tajba

[ramio]

Toilet cubicle

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other cubicle saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't
know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just
fine!"

And the other guy says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that?  At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be
polite and end the conversation.  I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy
right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back.  There's an idiot in the other cubicle
who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

[ramio]

At the world women's conference

The first speaker from Canada stood up.

"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our
Husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband
That I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it
himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing.
But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from France stood up:

"After le conference de last year, I went home and told my husband that I
Would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it
Himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw
Nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had not only done his
Own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Bormla stood up:

"After last year conferen I wen hom an telled the hasbant
thet I dont do his cookink, clean d haws, or shoppink at Leedil
and almadonna he hef to do it himself.
D ferst day I could see nothink. D sekond day nothink.
D thert day, I could open one eye a liddle bit"

[ramio]

Italian Sex

    The Jewish man said, " L ast week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her
body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she
screamed for five full minutes at the end!"

      The Frenchman boasted, " L ast week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes!"

      The Italian man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed
her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over  six hours!"

     The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"

      The Italian man said, " I wiped my hands on the bedspread."

[neville]

WY BORMLA?

[ramio]

A man goes to a dentist to take a tooth out. As soon as he sees the syringe he says "no way, I'm scared of that".

The dentist presents the gas mask, to which the man says " I get claustophobic if you put that on"

At this point the doctor hands out a pill to the patient. The man relieved says "This I can take no problem" On close examination of the pill he exclaimes "I didn't know Viagra was a pain Kliller"

Dentice says " It's not, it's just to give you somthing to hold on to while I pull your tooth out"

[placebo]

tajba Ramio ta bormla!

[ramio]

Hi Neville, nothing personal on Bormla, just happened to be picked up for a place in Malta. No offence.

mario