Jokes!

[name]

A Newfie Feels the Pain


A drunk Newfie gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. Then,  nothing. But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is  screaming.  What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my  customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts." The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[robby017]

One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
 
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
 
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
 
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the  Scotsman said.
 
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
 
"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.
 
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
 
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife  and SIX children with me!"
 
"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.
 
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
 
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said,  "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it.
 
"You'll really love my place.
 
"The grass is almost a foot high"

[robby017]

An American, an Englishman and a Indian went for a hike one day. It was very hot.

They were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake, they took

off all their clothes and jumped into the water since it was fairly secluded

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom".

As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Englishman quickly used

their hands to cover their privates. But the Indian covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the American and the

Englishman asked the Indian why he covered his Face rather than his private part


The Indian replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize."

[robby017]

A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine, who is sitting by herself.

Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they  swell?'
Maxine: 'No, they spread!’

[fishfinder]

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/mYHH6DuZdzKkVV2x

[SteveGB]

lol lol il listra kif fqajtni .....Edric il Lupu, Censu il vampire u jien il Mara hejjjjj .....f@@@ kemm gh@@@k!

[fishfinder]

jiena qadt fuq parir professjonali ta siehbek. Ma nafx imma hekk jied fuqek

[robby017]

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

[SteveGB]

Ija ija hekk qed jghid......ha noqod kwiet ara ma iridx inkun hammallu!

[rammx]

http://www.timesofmalta.com/articles/view/20101028/local/streaker-runs-into-marsaxlokk-church

[caldaland]

Men and fish are alike. They both get into trouble when they open their mouths.
Jimmy D Moore

[fishfinder]

A beautiful young Maltese woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to America tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to America , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he would bring her sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.
"He brings me food and I get a free trip to America . Plus he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Gozo Ferry"....
 
 
For sure he was a "Gozitan"

[fishfinder]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating
that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man'. And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life.'

'Where's Lawrence Gonzi’s clock?' asked the man.

'Gonzi's clock is in Jesus' office..

He's using it as a ceiling fan.

[visa]

Subject: Deaf Sex


Two deaf people get married and during the first
  week of marriage they find that they are unable to
  communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes, 'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes
  back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.
If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

 

 

 

Subject: How to call the police

 

 

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.  Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!

 

 

Should children witness childbirth?
 
 
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 4-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, a baby boy was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. The baby began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 4-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place . . . Smack his ass again!' 
 

 

[shanook]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
 
 
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen. 

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.   

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. 

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.  also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.   

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. 

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.   

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.